AIBU to feel upset about this?

[Theas18]

fortunately the kids are healthy generally but the youngest has had a few years of hospital appointments and ds is currently having 6 weekly appointments for his roaccutane follow up.

I have a fairly flexible job, within reason and so have shuffled stuff about and gone but Tuesday's have a fixed point that is very difficult to get changed.

DH teaches.

I have done every bl**dy appointment over past 12yrs except for the one in July - I couldn't possibly take time off before we went on holiday so eldest ( just turned 18 a few days before ) went as his adult.

Next appt is 6/9. We have just got the date on return from holiday. No way can I go as it isn't even a week for me to swap stuff about.

DH refuses to even ask if he can go- despite the fact that he has a teacher day, so no kids in- he also refused in July " to near to end if term" ( though the kids were in then).

His reasoning - new job started on 1/9.

Changing appt really difficult and vital as he won't get medication if he isn't seen.

I am so upset- surely other teachers ( especially female ones?) do have time off to take kids to hospital?? WTF can't he just occasionally go- actually his new school is very close to the hospital so he'll be out of school for only 90 mins or so- takes me all morning...

I have called them and ds will go alone- it seems they will see him and he is fully gillick competent- he has always done all the talking etc so will be fine and he's happy to do it so all will be well but I'm still fuming.

(actually it'll be a but of a waste of time- doc will say are they working- ds will say - yes and then he'll say the side effects are just are just about tolerable , and he'll get more tablets , but it has to be done).

What do you think? Surely all parents should be allowed to cover these things??

Unless you pinned him down and forced himt o impregnante you it is tough, he has a child and is responsible for him. What would he do if you left him and he had to look after the child for fifty percent of the time?Just tell him you and other son are not going so he will have to, and he should have thought about that before he became a father.

kelly2000 that might be right on a future occasion but he is in a new job and has to make a good impression and not piss of the people he works with in Week One.

"I seem to remember reading that, legally, partners are supposed to split childcare commitments like this: there can be serious trouble for parents who are always the one to take time off in these situations."

Yeah, the Fairness Police are really cracking down on this sort of thing

At 15 he doesnt sound like he needs/wants either of you there so you vs dp sounds like a bit of a non issue to me.

However, in general of course parents should share these responsibilities unless there is some extreme reason not to.

I think that if he was already established in this job, then it would be entirely fair to expect him to take his turn and attend this appointment. However, it is very difficult to take time off when you are new.

I think the mistake you made was in rearranging everything in your job to do all the appointments up to this point. What you should have been doing is making him take his fair share of time off, in the past. Sounds like you've finally snapped,but this is the one wrong time to put your foot down, unfortunately.

I recommend that you let ds go on his own, if you really cannot go with him and get the prescription filled another day if the pharmacy won't do it. Perhaps your ds could meet your dh from work and then get it filled.

In future though, you need to stop letting your dh off the hook. Yes, he is a teacher, but so are lots of people with dc - his primary obligation is to his own child and it's time he pulled his weight. So I'd stop (after this one appt) rearranging my life so he doesn't have to and make him do it. If he won't then you have bigger problems, such as him thinking his career is more important than yours.

it also depends on the school,my previous school (after I had established myself as not being someone who takes the p*) were very accommodating to medical appointments. However, my current school takes a very dim view of having to have time off in the school day.

As others have said, in July your dh would have been very busy sorting out for finishing, handing things on, ensuring HoD had everything (also to make sure any future reference requests would still look good) and first week in a new job would look horrendous for his future at the school.

just wondering karma how you would feel if your dc's teachers were not in to teach them.....

there are some roles which the difficulty surrounding time off has nothing to do with him thinking his career is more important than yours but just the roles themselves, for instance, emergency services, armed forces etc. There are times when the bigger picture needs to be taken into consideration

its just not that easy to take time off as a teacher...its not a matter of thinking one career is more important than another, he could have his pay docked.

I've been a teacher cricketballs and tried hard not to take unnecessary time off. I even scheduled antenatal appointments for out of school hours as much as I could, so I'm not suggesting a teacher takes unnecessary time off.

But, teaching is not comparable to being in the armed forces.No one would reasonably suggest a soldier come back from active duty to take a child to the doctor, however, no one will die if their teacher takes a morning off occasionally to take their child to a medical appointment. And although it is very hard to take time off when you are a teacher, there are plenty of other jobs where it is equally as hard to take time off. Two people have a child, not just one, so it stands to reason that both parents should have to share the responsibility. One career cannot be constantly held to be more important than the other. At some point the OP's boss is going to get pissed off with her having all the time off, when there is another parent who ought to be sharing the load.

I can see where you DH is coming from TBH..... a new job where he doesn't know the management yet and they don't know him and an INSET day where important info may be imparted.
Last academic year I missed part of an INSET day because my DS ( who is being iinvestigated for ASD and ADHD) decided to kick off at school and I was asked to go and help calm him down. I have been at my current school for over 10 years and the Head is very family friendly so he let me go. I then missed the info on how to use certain pieces of IT equipment. I am a Luddite and not good with technology and the IT co ordinator has had no time to show me although he has promised to do it on the first day back this year. DH works an hour away and so was unable to do it.
Let him off this time and then see if it can be a turn and turn about thing once he has established himself at work. I am luck in that my Head is very family freindly, others are not so much and I worry about my boss retiring!

I was a teacher and DH had to do appointments in the school day.

He can't miss part of an INSET day at a new school-despite parents thinking they are extra holiday they are actually important-especially his first day in a new job.
Teachers may get long holidays, but the downside is that there is no flexibility and you can't see Christmas plays, go to sport's days or review days of your own DCs-neither can you do their hospital appointments etc

Having worked in schools I have to agree. It may actually be harder to take time off on an INSET day than a school day (as at secondary there are cover supervisors). However I would talk to him about why he couldn't take the time off at the end of last term. I would also put your husband in the seat to go and collect the prescription, as if the hospital is not that far away I am sure he could do it during a break/ at the end of the day.

even the dog has to wait till a school holiday to get clipped in our house.

I can reassure you that the hospital Pharmacy will give the meds to your DS. My 15 year old has just stopped taking it - the side effects were not worth it for him - but he usually went to the hospital himself and got the drugs from the pharmacy with no problem.