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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not on?!

54 replies

Renaissance227 · 30/08/2011 11:06

I'm 32+2 today and although I don't have terrible mood swings I can get snappy with my DP over very little. He's currently drinking enough to sink a small ship most nights (and stinking of stale larger almost every day!) which is starting to irritate me so I snap at him a lot and get very short tempered with most things that he does. (Apparently he will stop drinking as much SOON but this is still not happening!)
Anyway, Last night I did just this after HE had had a long soak in a hot bath and he was asking me stupid questions about stuff (not pregnancy related!). I was tired and had had enough of pandering to him, BUT I got a mouthful from him about how I'm a "moody bitch" and should "sort it". I explained about pregnancy hormones etc and how I'm getting tired and have aches and pains all over but he just said this is not pregnancy related just me being a moody bitch who deserves no sympathy. He seems to think that pregnancy hormones just mean that you are either very happy or very sad and crying.

I am feeling totally deflated and horrible today.

(Also last night I had a horrible nightmare about him turning into a drunk/psycho who was determined to leave me and I woke up crying. When I told him what the dream was about this morning all he said was that's not scary. Why were you so upset?!)

This isn't reasonable behaviour from him is it?!

OP posts:

faverolles · 30/08/2011 11:37

And what SGB said.

Birdsgottafly · 30/08/2011 11:38

OP have you had an honest talk with him about how much involvement he is going to have in with the baby, because if he carries on drinking to that level, he won't be capable of helping.

"I can't be doing with him moaning AND drinking so I just do it all"

If you don't want him to moan or drink to the level he is, tell him that you aren't prepared to carry on living with him, you are enabling his behaviour and now bringing a baby into the equation. Either set ground rules or carry on without complaint, he isn't going to change unless you make him, it is upto you what you are prepared to live with.

I'm sorry but firey people who drink to excess don't make good parents, unless they change.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2011 11:38

I am wondering how you will cope when you have two backsides to wipe.

Stop being a bloody slave to him. You dont need to be rude to him, you just need to stop acting like his personal servant and get some self respect.

If he doesnt like it, let him go.

troisgarcons · 30/08/2011 11:40

Well, dare I say, you've made a rod for your own back. However, as the old saying goes, men marry their mothers! Shame his didn't train him properly rather than cosset him!

Seriously though - I'd think whether you want to be with a bloke who cant draw his own bath!

Original poster

Renaissance227 · 30/08/2011 11:40

"You are being snappy because you are with a lazy, selfish,over-entitled arse" How do you work this one out CognitiveDissident?!

OP posts:

CognitiveDissident · 30/08/2011 11:40

x-posted with sgb

TandB · 30/08/2011 11:40

It sounds like a slightly confused situation. On the one hand you say that you are snapping at him over very little which is obviously going to get to anyone after a while. But on the other hand you say that he effectively does nothing but sit round drinking while you do everything, run him a bath and then give him a massage. WTF?

You need to be setting up clear expectations. If he is selfish enough to let you run around after him while heavily pregnant then he is not going to change as long as you allow him to get away with his behaviour. You can't physically force him to help you round the house but you can certainly stop pandering to him with baths and massages. Or you can remove yourself from the situation entirely. Your choice obviously.

But there seems little point in gtting snappy and resentful while enabling his behaviour. Start setting some up some expectations for his behaviour and get snappy when he falls short. And save the nice things for when he deserves them.

Original poster

Renaissance227 · 30/08/2011 11:45

Sorry CognitiveDissident. I read that wrong!
I agree with you!

OP posts:

CognitiveDissident · 30/08/2011 11:48

You've damned him with your own posts Renaissance

You've already said that you are running round after him cooking, cleaning and giving him massages.

He has refused to give up drinking.

Any attempt to talk things over has been met with insults.

If you don't behave exactly as he wants, he sulks and moans...

Did I miss anything out?

CognitiveDissident · 30/08/2011 11:50

Ooops x-posted again ...fast-moving thread is no match for my two-fingered typing.

Ephiny · 30/08/2011 11:50

Is this for real? You're 30+ weeks pregnant, and running around preparing baths for him and giving him massages, and doing all the chores on your own and cleaning up after him, while he sits getting drunk on lager and calling you a 'bitch'?

Of course it's not reasonable behaviour!

Normally I'd say YABU to be snappy and blame it on pregnancy, but it sounds like there are bigger problems going on here...

Original poster

Renaissance227 · 30/08/2011 12:00

Will try to get him to stop the drinking so often but I fear I'll just be told I'm being controlling and moody again. Even though I'm 32 weeks pregnant I see that I need to put my foot down!

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2011 12:01

You've spotted it now, Renaissance. You can try talking it over with him before he cracks his first can of the day, and tell him that life is changing for both of you, like it or not, and that if he's not prepared to pull his weight, he's going to have to leave. However, before you do that, think about how likely it is that he will get physically aggressive (you, after all, know him better than we do) - it is not impossible for men who are this lazy, selfish and entitled to resort to physical violence when they are challenged. If you do think there's a risk of it, maybe have a friend round? Or at least your phone within reach...
Anyway, best of luck. It is possible for a man like this to grow up and get a grip, but not unless he's been thrown out of the family home for a while ie seen that there are serious consequences to mistreating his partner, that will not be mended by a half-hearted apology, some crying, a bunch of limp flowers and no change in his behaviour.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2011 12:06

How much is he actually drinking?

GrownUpNow · 30/08/2011 12:09

I think you both need to engage in some serious discussions about your expectations from the relationship and how you are feeling in the run up to this very big, very important life changing event.

I would look after my DP the way you are if he was also being supportive of me because we are a team, sometimes looking after the other is a pleasure and is for me a part of caring for my partner (after a long day at a building site he is in pain), however it looks like you don't feel this support is mutual and you are putting up with it where I think you should not.

Tell him you are worried about the amount he drinks. That you are concerned that your life is changing dramatically, along with you body and hormones, worry about the impending labour and birth, and the responsibility of a child. That you feel a bit unsupported. Don't be a martyr, it's not unreasonable to ask for help and support, but it is unreasonable to just bear it and be moody and snappy about it if you don't do anything to change it, simply because you aren't helping your state of health by getting so stressed.

He might be nervous about the impending baby, or feeling a bit worried about the loss of freedom to do as he wants and only really be responsible for his own self, but he's not dealing with it appropriately if he is putting you through this stress at a time that can be difficult for a mum to be. Honestly, he does need to just get it out his system and grow up, you need him on board and drinking excessively is not the way.

I'd give him the ultimatum of mutual support or bugger off so I can deal with this pregnancy like a grown up. I was you five years ago and I didn't do any of this and I ended up resentful, unhappy, ill and eventually single. I could have changed the way I felt by being assertive and not avoidant/martyred by the situation. You can't force them to change, but unless you communicate your unhappiness and expectations, you can't expect them to realise things can't stay the same.

Original poster

Renaissance227 · 30/08/2011 12:13

He drinks most nights - Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday (sometimes Tuesday or Wednesday as well)and on average he drinks 4-6 cans and/or 4-8 bottles. Occasionally, when I've told him he drinks too much, he will drink one or two cans for a few nights or have a few days break but then he starts again. His excuses are that he likes it, he's an adult so it's his decision, it's the summer, he works hard so deserves it, and he doesn't get drunk, drunk so there is no harm!

I also can't keep any alcohol in the house because he will drink it if it is there. I had half a big bottle of Baileys left over from Christmas and he finished it off over a couple of nights when he had run out of larger, even though he usually doesn't like it!

OP posts:

GrownUpNow · 30/08/2011 12:16

It sounds like he needs to admit he has a problem if he is drinking that much, it sounds like a problem to me.

Inertia · 30/08/2011 12:16

Exactly what SGB said.

YANBU. Anyone would be snappy after being called a moody bitch by a drunk man who sat on the sofa all night, drinking and complaining that the standard to which his heavily pregnant wife did everything for him was inadequate.

Inertia · 30/08/2011 12:19

Cross-posted - that sounds like it could be a drink problem . Could you seek advice from the support groups for families of alcoholics?

QuintessentialShadow · 30/08/2011 12:22

The problem is not that you are snapping. The problem is that you are trying to have a relationship with him, but he is already in a much more important relationship, with alcohol.

Your husband sounds like an alcoholic. Sorry. He s not likely to change.
Do you think you can put u with this behaviour when you give birth, have a new born, try to raise a child.

If I were you, I would leave.

Frommfollower · 30/08/2011 12:23

I feel for you, it sounds like a lot of stress to deal with in your last few weeks of pregnancy. I'm lucky, my OH is pretty much teetotal, he'd start snoring after half a can, forget a glass of wine, I'd have to carry him to bed, lol... therefore he hardly drinks. I've not drank hardly anything since my DD was born 3yrs ago, buying alcohol would eat too much into the food bill and I consider food more essential than alcohol while we're on a budget.

Also my OH works from quite early in the morning and usually longs hrs, sometimes 12 a day, and its a job of heavy responsiblity so drinking so much would harm his performance. Does your partners job allow him to drink so much, suffer hangovers and the like?

I think the only person that can stop him drinking is himself. Don't blame yourself too much with the snapping, its probably because you're going into nesting mode and you want everything to be perfect.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2011 12:29

Who buys these lagers? If it is you when you do the shopping, then stop buying them for him. If it is him, then if he is capable of going to a shop and buying his own beers, he is capable of getting other shopping too. Give him a list.

Before you got pregnant, was he drinking this much? And did you drink when he was drinking?

Mabelface · 30/08/2011 12:31

He's acting like he's your first child. You don't need this when you're going to have a newborn. His drinking is excessive and he has no right to call you names.

joric · 30/08/2011 12:41

I hate alcohol because selfish pigs who drink become even worse after a few too many.
I don't think it's the hormones either... I hate it when DH drinks because he turns into an idiot. His behaviour and attitude make me feel stressed and I snap at him. He then has a go at me for snapping.
Bloody hell.

flyingmum · 30/08/2011 12:44

I think it will be easier being a single parent that dealing with a new baby and looking after a very selfish man. A different story perhaps if he admits he has a problem with alcohol and you decide to help him through it but it doesn't sound like this is going to happen. If he is getting grumpy with you now (and I can understand why you snipe at him) then how is he going to be when he has a howling baby in the house and you are crying your eyes out at 3.00 in the morning because you are sleep deprived with no support. If he is drinking that much as well I honestly wouldn't trust him to hold a baby or care for it adequately and do you really want a child growing up thinking that this is how men treat their partners? I can honestly say that having a demanding newborn baby was one of the biggest strains on our relationship for DH and me and that includes later on going through diagnosis of severe special needs and for a different child, long term chronic medical illness. Yet my DH is a walk in the park compared to yours. You hit the nail on the head when you said he is behaving like a teenager. What is his mother/family like and would you get any support from them to help back you up.

So, now you need to decide what to do. If you put up and shut up this is only going to get worse. I think you need to see someone more professional - some sort of Relate type counselling that can see you together. Before you talk to him though I would do some background work on sorting out finances, indivdiual account etc etc. It is your choice on when you talk to him - before the baby is born or after.

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