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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu... underwear for a 14 year old girl

41 replies

nancythursday · 30/08/2011 08:44

My 14 year old DSD came home last week (she lives with us) saying that her mum and grandma had seen her undies and said that she needed new ones, I buy most of her clothes and had recently bought her a load new bras, knickers and socks, so I knew she didn't really need any and just thought she must have been wearing some old favourites. Her mum very rarely buys her anything so we (DH and I) didn't say anything, even though there were lots of things she could have bought her, like new school uniform etc... her mum pays nothing towards her daughter, she did get her a present for her 14th birthday, but didn't get her anything last Christmas or for her 13th... so we were just suprised that she was being taken shopping.... so off they went, and i've just washed what they bought... 3 g-strings and a pair of black see through knickers!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking a 14 year old shouldn't be wearing see through knickers, or a thong? All her other knickers that either i've bought, or she's bought herself, are little shorts type ones. I've seen a couple of her friends getting changed and they all seem to wear the same type.

Her mum is prone to doing daft things, she gave her permission to get her nosed pierced at 13. My DH and I had said no.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 30/08/2011 10:00

I was brought up not to wander around the house half naked. At 14 I certainly wouldnt have felt comfortable walking around the house in my bra and knickers.. ok, walking from the bathroom to bedroom, fine.. but I wouldnt have been pottering around the living room or kitchen where the rest of the family were.

It hasnt left me with an issue about my body before anyone suggests that. :) Neither of my stepchildren would have walked around the house in their bra and knickers when they lived here either. If you need to come downstairs in the middle of getting dressed, you put a towel round you, or you put a dressing gown on.

pickgo · 30/08/2011 10:08

Don't just 'lose' them, that's so passive-aggressive and would rightly wind-up your DSD.

I wouldn't say anything about them at all, but I might try and drop into the conversation the campaign on here about letting girls be girls and the way culture as a whole sexualises and objectifies girls/women. But then I'd want to talk about that to any girl whatever knickers she wears. They need the ammunition to hold on to their self-esteem as they grow up imho.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/08/2011 10:10

As Denial says, choose your battles wisely.

The mum is clearly on a wind up - best not rise to it tbh. Maybe she reads MN and knows how apoplectic MNers get about "inappropriate" clothing Wink

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/08/2011 10:11

Grin at x-post with pickgo there.

bonkers20 · 30/08/2011 10:23

squeakytoy Oh yeah! More coffee.

bonkers20 · 30/08/2011 10:27

nancy You really think your 14 yo DSD would be comfortable walking around in see-through knicks in front of her Dad?

This would imply that she is not at all mature and I'm baffled as to why she wants to wear them at all?

exoticfruits · 30/08/2011 10:37

I wouldn't mention it-she will find them most uncomfortable, probably wouldn't want to get changed for PE in them at school-and won't wear them. Just make sure that she has plenty of sensible underwear to choose from.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2011 10:41

Maybe the mum isnt on a wind up at all, and (like the majority on this thread) dont see a big deal in a 14 year old wearing the underwear of her choice.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/08/2011 11:12

Yet again, I'm agreeing with Squeakytoy... every flipping post... Hmm It's getting old... Grin

Squeaky says everything I wanted to and so much better.... I wonder if they make badges with that on? Must go check....>>>

Jodianna · 30/08/2011 11:19

I have twins of nearly fifteen. They choose their own undies. Neither has chosen thongs, both say 'they feel like your arse is trying to eat your undies!'
Leave her to it. It'll sort.

By the way, Matalan is great for bras to wear under school shirts. Two for six quid.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/08/2011 11:27

I'd have thought t-shirt bras - the sort you can buy anywhere - would be good under school shirts.

Maybe the mum isn't on the wind up, but she does have form (the nose piercing thing). Seeing as she's fucked up somewhat in the parenting stakes (missing birthday and Christmas presents) maybe she tries to over compensate by taking a big sister/friend role. Or possibly she's trying to buy her dd Confused

Or yes, maybe she doesn't think teenagers choosing their underwear (assuming the dsd did choose the underwear) is not big deal. I don't think it matters a jot tbh. My mum bought me lovely lingerie when I was that age, for birthdays and Christmas. It was no big deal.

Original poster
nancythursday · 30/08/2011 11:52

The day before the shopping trip, DSD came home upset, saying 'mum says I can't wear my black skirt, she said it looks like something a hooker would wear' and she got a change if clothes.

The skirt in question is short, but DSD has great legs and she usually wears opaque tights with it. Me and DH have never had a problem with what she wears.

I then asked DSD if she wore that skirt to x's party a few weeks earlier... She had worn it then, without tights, and stayed the night at her mums house after the party... yet mum didn't have a problem with the skirt then!?

I just find it odd that she would stop her daughter from wearing something, say she would be dressed like a prostitute... but then buy her sexy undies the next day.

I've lived with DSD for 2 years, and my DH says i'm more of a mum to her than her mother is. I have no friends with teenage daughters and just wanted some advice, so thank you.

OP posts:
duchesse · 30/08/2011 12:02

Little boy leg shorts are perfect for young teens. Her mother sounds like a loon. Lose the G strings- she will prob thank you for it.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2011 12:02

Again, a big difference between a short skirt (especially without tights), and underwear, which is not on show.

As a stepmother to two girls, who are now in their mid twenties, and who lived with me from their teens for quite a few years, be flattered that your DH says you are "more of a mum", but please please, keep that to yourself, and I do hope he doesnt say that in front of his daughter.

You are still only her stepmother, and 2 years of her life is not very much. Teenage years are difficult to parent, and if you are not careful you will end up in a battle with her mother, which is not something that is much fun, believe me.

limetrees · 30/08/2011 12:13

I would just monitor the situation - see how often you are washing the gstrings. Chances are that she will find them uncomfortable/want to wear shorts ones if her friends are - if so, problem solved without any conversation or confrontation. Let her keep them in her drawer and just see how it goes.

I would try very hard not to engage in any sort of battle with her mother.

Original poster
nancythursday · 30/08/2011 12:17

DH has never said it in front of her, we are both careful to never talk about his ex wife in front of DSD. She used to ring up for arguments while DSD was with her.

OP posts:
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