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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to let my son who has Aspergers fly alone at 12 yrs old

49 replies

RCToday · 30/08/2011 00:32

His Dad doesnt accept he has Aspergers and has never supported him and has no understanding of ASD's

Its a 3 hour train journey, bus across a city and a 1 hour flight

I said no, DS has a lot of other important issues to deal and I will see when DS is older and more settled

So AIBU?

OP posts:

MugglesandLuna · 30/08/2011 10:12

YANBU - too many variables. The flight would worry me the most. If he misses a bus or a train they might be another he could catch, but once a flight has gone, its gone.

My 10yo has AS and he would struggle to ask for help, and for him passing through security at the airport would be a nightmare.

SoupDragon · 30/08/2011 10:14

does he have to do the entire journey alone?

SoupDragon · 30/08/2011 10:15

I thought hat, as minors, you handed them over to a member of staff at the airport. Didn't think they were expected to negotiate everything themselves.

Kladdkaka · 30/08/2011 10:22

Don't forget that people with AS can have airport assistance, where they get escorted all the way through security to the plane and all the way out at the other side.

Maryz · 30/08/2011 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chill1243 · 30/08/2011 10:33

RCT.. I am no expert; but I think you are wise not to allow this journey alone at 12 years of age. Good luck

IloveJudgeJudy · 30/08/2011 10:45

I did let my NT DD fly alone when she was 12, but I wouldn't have let her travel to the airport on her own or continue her journey on her own. She was all right doing the flight on her own, but was still quite daunted and very pleased with herself when she had accomplished it.

In your situation OP I certainly would not allow my DS to do this journey or even part of it unaccompanied.

CognitiveDissident · 30/08/2011 10:53

My v.v. high-functioning AS daughter, who has been travelling by herself on London public transport since the age of 13 still managed to get lost on a single stop coach trip to visit her dad in Manchester. She was 16 at the time.

We still can't work out how it happened. The coach stopped for a toilet break in Milton Keynes,and she managed to wander out of the bus station down a dual carridgeway.By the time she'd realised her mistake and found her way back the coach had gone. We had a frantic midnight dash to darkest Berkshire to rescue her.

FWIW I'd find the journey you described daunting, and I'm NT and a veteran public transport user.

duchesse · 30/08/2011 11:09

Our parents' generation grew up in a time when they were permitted a lot more freedom. My father has been very dismissive of our refusal to let our children travel to France by boat and train alone from 11/12 onwards. It doesn't matter how many times I explain patiently that they are not allowed to travel alone on the ferry until they are 16 - he just doesn't get it, and thinks they are namby-pamby pampered little gits. It sounds like a tall order for any 12 yo, let alone one who may struggle to approach people to ask for help tbh. If you don;t feel that he can manage then don't let him do it alone until he can. If needs be go with him a few times while he gets used to it.

PattySimcox · 30/08/2011 11:14

12 nearly 13 you with HFA - no way would I let him - too much could go wrong - even minor things like missing a train, loosing money / tickets etc that would floor an adult let alone an NT 12yo.

I can imagine if your DS is like mine that he can well imagine himself capable of doing it, as to him, if he has done it once then (in his mind) it will be exactly the same experience.

Jodianna · 30/08/2011 11:24

My sixteen year old has AS. I would not sanction such a journey.
A month ago he got the bus for a 45 minute journey, alone. We'd done it together, he'd done it with friends. After three trips home from the bus stop, we got him on the bus, using mobiles. The trip home involved a major meltdown because of a godawful bus driver, the trip ended with the police being involved and bus driver sacked. He won't get on a bus now.

Don't risk it.

biddysmama · 30/08/2011 12:13

my dad lives in ireland and when my nt 14 year old sister wants to visit him he comes and picks her up

LIZS · 30/08/2011 12:22

Can't imagine my 13yo entertaining this let alone coping with the stress of negotiating each leg without a hitch. If it were just one part of it, taken/met each end, then maybe. btw, Mrs Flittersnoop of course 12yo can go on trains by themselves and plenty of secondary school kids commute each day, some quite long journeys. One of ds' friends did a 3 hour trip including crossing London by himself last summer, without a moibile. But it varies for each child.

ragged · 30/08/2011 12:51

The airflight would not worry me, if I could deliver him to the gate and he probably qualifies for an escort otherwise. But all the rest, with transfers, what MaryZ said, so NO.
DS is 11 and NT, btw. He went on his first ever train trip alone a few weeks ago and that was a very big deal (all 30 mins. of it). I struggle to believe I'd be comfortable with him doing a lot more in the next year.

bubblesincoffee · 30/08/2011 13:02

That's an unreasonable journey to expect any 12 yo to make, let alone one without AS.

My son has AS, and at 11 is nowhere near ready to get the bus or the train to school on his own yet. It's a shame, because lots of his classmates will be doing it, but it's not going to happen.

Perhaps a year from now he would be ok if he knew exactly the times and the stops etc, but if a train or a bus got cancelled, or was more than a few minutes late, he would get seriously stressed, even with coaching on what to do.

This is a no brainer. His Dad has to either collect him, or face the fact that he is being a crap Da by not seeing him.

lesstalkmoreaction · 30/08/2011 13:13

Could he catch a plane from a different airport perhaps closer to you, and cut out the 3 hour train journey.

SusanneLinder · 30/08/2011 13:17

I have an ASD 12 year old, and I let her go into town on her own.No WAY would I let her do that journey though.Come to think on it I would struggle to have let my NT kids do that till they were about 16.

On a plane travelling as an unaccompanied minor would be fine, if one parent is dropping at an airport, and someone collecting at other end.That would be fine.

AspergerFiction · 30/08/2011 17:54

It is a definite no to the journey at that age with AS.

His Dad doesnt accept he has Aspergers and has never supported him and has no understanding of ASD's
This is almost as worrying as the thought of the journey.

EldritchCleavage · 30/08/2011 20:24

It's a no from me too.

I once did a long (Africa to Europe) journey and found myself, as a woman travelling alone, expected to look after a sobbing unaccompanied child because cabin crew could not be bothered.

My 13 year old niece has just done it, albeit only a flight, without the other elements your son would have to do. However, despite charging her family for a special service that was supposed to see her escorted at all times, from gate to seat etc., the airline completely failed to do as it promised. In her case, and given the smooth journey, it didn't cause too much difficulty.

My nephew flew alone at 16 and was abandoned at the departure airport after a cancellation. He was only given a hotel for the night after his parents managed to get through to the airline and read the riot act. Even at 16, he was pretty shaken by that.

I think this shows even established airlines can't always be relied on to do the looking after they claim to do. One hitch and your child could be stranded. Unless you are very confident he'd cope, I wouldn't expose your 12 year old to that.

DrCoconut · 30/08/2011 22:39

My 12 yo son (with ASD) would need a chaperone to go beyond the spar shop! YHe'd never cope with a bus or train let alone a flight. So YANBU at all.

WetAugust · 30/08/2011 23:00

My v.v. high functioning AS son aged 23 couldn't do that journey alone.

CardyMow · 31/08/2011 01:21

DD is going to fly to Scotland in October as an unaccompanied Minor. DD is 13.5yo and has asd. However - I will be taking her to Stansted by coach, and her father will be picking her up fom Inverness airport in person. Would you not be able to take your ds to the airport and see him on the plane, and have his father meet him at the airport at the other end?

I have no car, am having to organise babysitters for 2 other dc, and I will have to take the bf baby with me, but DD needs to see her father, even if he does live 500-odd miles away.

dorie · 31/08/2011 01:41

YANBU at all! If his father wants him tell him to come and get him.

NunTheWiser · 31/08/2011 05:10

That's a lot to expect of a NT 12 year old, let alone your DS with AS.

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