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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to this wedding?

47 replies

cheekster · 30/08/2011 00:05

A good friend of DH is getting married abroad. We would love to go but there are just so many reasons why we cant

1 - We just dont have the money - it would mean a loan
2 - I cant have time off work to go
3 - If i request time off and it was granted I could only have 4 days off (including the weekend) which would mean 2 days there 2 days travelling
4 - We have 2 LO so it would probably be more stressful than a holiday with it being such a short one

The thing is - his friend has asked him to be best man!

DH explained the situation to his friend, but he just doesnt understand, his DF has text me saying how gutted he is. When I explained our situation to her she didnt seem to understand either. Not only that but his friend has started to be really 'off' with DH, making comments such as "he knows who his true friends are" etc.

My only suggestion is that DH goes alone, but he says he doesnt want to (hes scared of flying).

So AI(we) BU to not go?

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 30/08/2011 09:50

DH should get himself some valium and fly on his own

Thumbwitch · 30/08/2011 09:56

Wow Vivi - he must be a really special BF - he's lucky to have you! Hope it all goes well.

ViviPru · 30/08/2011 10:05

Thanks Thumbwitch, but I'm no angel in as much as I've found it hard not to feel a bit resentful, especially when BF & his fiancee are raving over how comparatively little its costing them when you think about the average cost of a UK wedding. I feel like saying "Yes for you maybe - I'm looking forward to YOUR £2.5K contribution when [if] OH & I tie the knot!!"

I've bitten my tongue throughout though, apart from ONE occasion when we were discussing what OH and I would ever choose to do if we got married and my BF said "why not do it abroad" and I replied with a very curt "I'd never do that as I'd want ALL my friends and family to be there without being out of pocket". I felt dreadful after that though.

I am beating myself up over feeling this way, as I should have either said NO from the start or got right on board with no resentments. I just keep telling myself that we're going to have the most amazing time together which we will, and this time next year, the wound in the finances will have healed but the memories will still be with us.

LydiaWickham · 30/08/2011 10:22

OP - when DH and I got married, in the UK, we choose what was a rather expensive hotel to get married in, but there was a travellodge not that far away and we assumed guests could stay there afterwards if they couldn't afford the hotel. However we wanted the best man and my bridesmaid to stay at the hotel the night before and for the night of the wedding (selfishly so if anything went wrong they were on hand) so we assumed we'd pay for their hotel bills.

The 2 nights for the best man and bridesmaid at the hotel cost us an extra £600, however we considered that to be part of the cost of the wedding. If we were getting married abroad, I would have assumed flights as well as hotel accomodation for the best man and bridesmaid would have been part of our costs.

If they really want him there, they will pay for his flights. Noone should be out of pocket for being part of the wedding party. He then, however, should decide if he wants to go without you, I'd say if they are prepared to pay for the flights, he needs to go.

dreamingbohemian · 30/08/2011 10:32

I think definitely YANBU for not going.

It's possible your DH is a tiny bit unreasonable for not going on his own because he is afraid of flying but that depends on how close he is to the groom -- have they been friends from childhood? has the groom seen your DH through really tough times in his life?

NestaFiesta · 30/08/2011 12:30

The groom is asking for your DH to spend a lot of money. A LOT. He cannot be offended if a guest (with or without family) cannot come.

bubblesincoffee · 30/08/2011 12:39

They are being very selfish, as people sometimes are when it comes to planning their weddings.

Simple truth is that if you plan a wedding abroad, the onus is on you to understand when people can't come, or pay for them to come if you really want them there.

Knowing who your true friends are works both ways. No true friend would expect you to get into debt for them, especially for something like a wedding. For life saving medical treatment, perhaps. But not for a wedding.

halcyondays · 30/08/2011 12:47

Yanbu, if people want to get married abroad, that's their choice but they should accept that it will mean that some people won't be able to come, or won't want to spend a lot of money on travelling, so they shouldn't moan if people politely decline the invitation. Same goes for child free weddings.

oldraver · 30/08/2011 12:50

I would of suggested that your DH went alone, until you mentioned the snidey 'knows whose his friends are' comments

I would not waste any money on twats like this

Bathsheba · 30/08/2011 12:55

I am phobic of flying and TBH I'd far far rather fly by myself where I am in complete control, rather than with other people. I do think he should go by himself.

Minus273 · 30/08/2011 12:58

YANBU. It is the bride and groom who are being unreasonable if they cannot understand that some people simply can't afford it. It is them who are not true friends. They do not deserve your DH as Best Man after comments like that.

For me the only absolute must when you receive a wedding invitation is to reply one way or another. It is not a summons you do not have to go and your reasons for not going are very valid. I would not get into debt for my own wedding never mind someone else's.

muminthemiddle · 30/08/2011 13:16

Be very careful if your dh does choose to fly alone. Is he sure he can conquer his fear of flying. Speaking from experience after being sat behind an absolutely terrified child who was almost hyperventilating on the run way. It was not a pleasant sight and I would hate to think your dh would feel like that.
Otherwise they will have to accept that not everyone can just drop things and zoom out to foreign lands.

Ephiny · 30/08/2011 13:23

I think they're being unreasonable. I don't know if they're just having a 'destination wedding' for the sake of it, or if they have family living overseas or something - but either way as people have said, they just have to accept that some people are going to be unable to afford the money or time, or not want to travel so far, especially with small children.

Do they know about your DHs fear of flying? It's a bit inconsiderate of them if so!

chocoroo · 30/08/2011 13:26

I was recently a bridesmaid less than six months after giving birth.

The bride and groom decided to marry abroad, in the school holidays. Even though I get a reasonable maternity package we just could not justify spending £1500 on a holiday with a 16 week old.

My friend understood and I was present, in full bridesmaid regalia for her blessing several weeks later. DD had a lovely overnight stay with the GP's.

Your friends are probably just as upset that you can't make it as you are that you can't attend but they sound like they need to understand that weddings abroad mean most people cannot attend. However, I think your DP should attend if finances allow - being afraid of flying is a poor excuse.

PicaK · 30/08/2011 14:04

YANBU - for all the reasons above.

I did just wonder if your DH declined the offer to be best man with grace and an effusive appreciation of the honour of being asked? Silly wedding-obsessives your mates might be but the groom might have felt crushed/gutted if your DH was a bit blunt.

It could be that they are focusing on that side of things whilst understanding the reason they still feel hurt.

Lunabelly · 30/08/2011 14:10

YANBU. Not at all. The marryers are being unreasonable though.

I've had a sibling marry abroad and the logistics and emotions and finances gone through in order to attend...well, let's just say that yes, it was lovely, and once-in-a-lifetime and God yes, I would have loved to have married there myself (French chateau), but I will be paying for it for a long time, and the rows that sprung up from the whole marrying abroad thing were horrific. :(

When people marry abroad, they simply have to accept that not everyone they want there will be able to make it, and that if there is a skint someone who they totally and utterly have to have there, well, they can bloodywellpayforit themselves. End of.

Not everyone has the time or the money or the babysitting credits.

However Could your DH go alone and travel there and back with mutual friendy fellow guests?

rimmer08 · 30/08/2011 16:49

YANBU in the slightest. If you get married abroad you should accept that not everyone should come. your DH could go by his self but from how you say his 'good' friend has been behaving i would be inclined to say 'sod it' :)

plupervert · 30/08/2011 18:57

Where on earth do these bloody people come from? Surely this sort of money-snobbery went "out" years ago (not that it was every acceptable amongst friends).

ticklebumpkin · 30/08/2011 19:02

We had the same set up as Lydia - married in a posh hotel with a budget hotel round the corner.

Most people stayed in the budget hotel (our parents all stayed in the nice one). Best man travelled 250 miles to be there, we paid his hotel for both nights.

I only had one bridesmaid and she lives locally, so we didn't get her a room!

BimboNo5 · 30/08/2011 19:06

I wouldn't go and wouldn't feel bad about it either. Ive no idea why these days people's elaborate wedding plans mean everyone else has to spend a fortune just to show they are grateful for being invited.

AuntiePickleBottom · 30/08/2011 19:11

i wouldn't go, a true friend is understanding.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/08/2011 19:17

YANBU

I got married abroad and did not expect anyone to come with us. In fact I fancied the whole on the beach with strangers for witnesses thing. 13 members of our families decided to come along but there was no expectation that they would.

Your friends are self-absorbed nobbers, IMO.

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