aibu to feel on the cusp of losing the dc - 16 and 13 and growing up so fast it's pulled me up short

[marriedinwhite]

It sounds silly I know but after GCSE results and a milestone passed and having spent the weekend at my parents have just seen with for a fact that DS is taller than my step father and DD has overtaken my mother, I feel a bit scared that we are on the cusp of a new chapter and am wondering what the next stage holds and whether I will cope with it. Two more years and DS will be gone (possibly never to live at home again) and DD will follow fast on his heels. Their bedrooms will be empty and DH and I will be home alone.

I'm truly flattered but I am 59.

What Andrew said.

And they come back - and bring friends/girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses and eventually grandchildren for you to fuss over. Honestly my mum keeps moving to try and shake us off but we always track her down eventually.

Well, I agree with Talc - I think it will be great and am really looking forward to the next phase of my life without having to amuse a child ........... DS was away on a holiday without us this week and it was marvellous - doing adult things that we wanted to do rather than try and think of something we all enjoy; walking at a decent pace; enjoying a National Trust place etc etc. Call me unreasonable but I am positively going to enjoy having an empty nest - only eight more years to wait .

PS - my parents are in their late 70s and thoroughly enjoy their lives without children at home - and always have - they travel, do loads of voluntary work, have lots of different (and separate) hobbies. I hope I am like them .

My parents seem to keep adding rooms to their house since my 2 sisters and I eventually left home! They need the extra space for all the grandchildren! And, yes, we all boomeranged for years

My ds is 17 and I only have him and worried like you as he got older. He dropped out of college last year and is starting again sept and then I suppose a gap year and uni or work. He says he is never leaving but he went to Barcelona this summer for a week and dp and I were home alone and it was great! We missed him and his entourage but it was also very peaceful and free and we just enjoyed being us again and not parents 24/7. My ds is useless and I am now doing cooking etc with him which I should have done years ago but I was like fabby and having had a mum who made us do everything I let him off a bit it wasn't the right thing though and I wish I had taught him sooner but we are getting there now. They are always your children and will always be back but I is good to let them go and that is what makes them come back. Clinging on too much I think pushes them away.

I couldnt help read your story and feel a little sad, Im dealing with an over bearing mil at the moment and having read what your feeling its starting to make sense why shes always expecting us there, always tries to make us stay over etc. I thought it was just being controlling and bossy but really shes lonely, I thought it straight away so suggested she take up some hobbies, she used to love cooking but now only has herself and her husband to cook for instead of my dp and his brother and sis. (His brother only moved out last year btw - hes 31) While i dont think its healthy for him to be living at home at that age it is worth remembering your children will always need you even if they dont tell you, what if they finish uni and cant afford somewhere to live, they'll be straight back home to you.

Try not to spend the next couple of years feeling sad, have some happy memories to remember instead, and enjoy making them with the time you have, dont feel like a huge alarm clock is hanging over you, just take it a day at a time and try and stay positive, you have so many new chapters opening up for you and it is an exciting time, holidays with just you and your dh, your childrens new partners to meet, getting to know them, family christmas's and most importantly, your grandchildren who you will have all the time in the world for to teach things and get to know, enjoy it all x

I think Honeypie makes a really good point - there are so many threads about m-i-ls from hell on mumsnet that it is really important to learn to let your children go and not live your life through them.

Loudlass - She is perfectly capable of cooking five meals but WON'T - so I've told her she she has to prove it. She thinks she can't cook and therefore doesn't try very often. And YES I have taught her; she just feels she is clumsy in the kitchen and doesn't enjoy it much.

On the other hand, she works incredibly hard at school, has just done v well in her GCSEs and is a talented artist so for the most part doesn't choose to spend her time cooking and right now she doesn't have to.

You were snippy and you took my slightly tongue in cheek comment way too seriously but you are right that 16 year olds should be able to cook and I totally agree with you - that's why I joke with her that she has to prove it with five 'proper' meals and not just the odd bowl of pasta pesto etc.

Thanks all - it was just a fleeting moment facing up to the thought of transition. DS has just wandered into the kitchen in his pants - "are there any bacon sandwiches left; where's the ketchup"; "I'm peeling off early from the arrangements later and meeting x, y and z at the carnival" Me: "talk about that with dad darling". Can't face another contratemps about boundaries and safety (OTH, I think there are probably so many police there this year it's the safest place in London but our friends have still taken their cars to friends in Finchley for the duration!. When did I say he would be packing for university .

hope to goodness i am not STILL single by the time dd goes. 6 yrs on my own now, and dd will prob leave in 9 yrs, do you reckon i stand a chance of that loud sex??!!!

I'm with you OP.
I'm on my own with my 16 year old son, he's just sat his standard grades and will leave for university in a couple of years.
He towers over me and looks like he's due his first shave.
We've been our own little unit for so long now and I know it's inevitable, but I'm preparing myself for missing him terribly

I know exactly how you feel, although things are a little different in our household. DS2 went to Uni last September and I cried buckets when we got home from taking him there. He has been a huge support to me through so many difficulties in our family - both DH and DS1 are disabled. DS2 is a friend as well as a son, although I try hard not to lean on him too much.

It has been wonderful having him home again this summer and I am getting nervous and sad about him going back to Uni in three weeks. Of course, I won't show that to him as I want him to have a great time. I am very lucky that we are so close and I promise that I don't smother him. He hasn't had a girlfriend yet and I think I must be very careful when he does meet someone and firmly make myself take a back seat in his life (don't want her on here moaning about me as the MiL from Hell!!).

Things are different for us as we think that DS1 will have to stay at home for many more years. He may never be ready to lived independently, even in sheltered accommodation. That makes us sad in another way.

One tip is to make sure that you are building a close relationship with your DH. We found that we got to the teen years and had not gone out on our own together for a long time - mainly because we couldn't get babysitters with our DS1 being disabled. When they got old enough to trust them on their own, we started going out every Saturday lunchtime and some Friday evenings and rebuilt our own relationship. I remembered exactly why I had married DH in the first place!

YANBU - my DS are a little younger (13 and 10) but DS1 turning 13 earlier this month felt like something of a watershed moment, also that DS2 is starting Yr 6 in September (and doing the 11plus), have come to realise they are growing up so fast - the last 3 years, since DS1 was starting Yr 6 have gone past in a flash - another 3 and he will be getting GCSE results....feels like I have very little of their childhood left, then they will be young men and leaving home. That's actually just brought a lump to my throat :(

Being single, I do worry about the future on my own - realistically I'm not going to find a man, so once the boys are gone I will be rattling around in my stupid big house like Miss Havisham minus the decaying wedding dress. Not an appealing prospect in truth!

Isn't the average age for leaving home about 27 now?
Do you mean going to Uni? The holidys are longer than the term times?

I absolutely agree with NotQuite's tip. Dp and I also try and get out together each weekend, even if it's just for a coffee on a Saturday morning or a couple of pints early on a Friday evening. It's actually really lovely getting to know each other as just a couple again!

Thanks RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie :)

I think of it as an exciting new phase. It does show that you shouldn't live through your DCs and you should keep your own life because it is all over in what seems a blinking of an eye. You then have decades with just you, or you and DP or DH. If you have done the job well they keep coming back.

My ds's NINo arrived yesterday and he's not 16 until October! I am beginning to feel a bit unsettled, especially as we hope to send him back to UK to board at 6th form from next September. The poor kid can't work out why I keep hugging him and looking mistily at him.

My DCs are very helpful by becoming pains in the neck just before its time for to go to university. Even DD2 who has been a pleasure to be around for most of her teenage years is deciding to seriously try my patience for the last few weeks before she goes.

I agree with exoticfruits - its an exciting phase and I glad that they are happy to be independent.