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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL threads from the other side

26 replies

candr · 28/08/2011 21:09

Just realised that the title makes this sound spooky. There are loads of MIL threads on here and loads of women seem to have DH's that just won't stand up to their own mothers about the treatment of their DW or DC. Does anyone else wonder what your DH would write in a MIL thread about your own mother? Most DH's I know actually seem to get on well with their MIL it always seems to be the wife that has the problem - does anyone else think this and is it down to their mothers feeling no woman is good enough to replace them or is that A bit U?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/08/2011 21:11

'Does anyone else wonder what your DH would write in a MIL thread about your own mother?'

Mine are not on speaking terms atm Grin

So the language may be a bit on the strong side for even this nest of vipers.

gonerogue · 28/08/2011 21:13

My DH would have plenty to give out about my mother. To be fair she does have a tendency towards selfishness/rudeness and often it is only the BILs that say anything / point it out.

I have found that the BILs as a group tend to use humour to deflect any tension that could arise from the situation though. My DDis' and I are more likely to bitch rant about our various MILs.

LindyHemming · 28/08/2011 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointythings · 28/08/2011 21:15

I am one of the lucky ones - not only did we like each other's parents enormously, they also liked each other.

DH's parents are now both gone, my father has Parkinson's and is deteriorating rapidly and I won't have him for much longer, but at least we can treasure the years that we really did have an extended familly that really worked. We would only write soppy luvvie things about each other's DMs, sorry!

Tchootnika · 28/08/2011 21:15

The very term 'MIL thread' does make me think of Les Dawson...
... and yes, I do wonder what gems would get thrown up (IYSWIM) if DHs were posting on MILs or (curiouser still) FILs.
A shame we don't get to see this on MN, come to think of it.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 28/08/2011 21:17

My DH thinks his MIL is amazing. She'll sit and chat with him, but if he's reading she won't interrupt him. She makes him endless cups of tea and makes sure there's always bacon in for when he visits.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 28/08/2011 21:21

And she asks me what he wants for his birthday and Christmas. She never criticises him to me. She has never raised her voice to him or said a single thing to upset him - a hell of a lot more than he can say for his parents! She takes an interest in his work and hobbies and he finds her really relaxing to be around.

jumpyjan · 28/08/2011 21:22

Mine is absent pretty much. DH has got off lightly and he knows it. Have to say from the thread title thought this thread was going to be about MILs complaining about their DILs on Gransnet Smile

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 28/08/2011 21:23

I actually have an easier time from my MIL (and FIL) than her own children do.

greencolorpack · 28/08/2011 21:25

Dh and my Mum get on great, they talk about geeky things like computers and cameras. I have nothing to say and when they get together I just shut up. I do sometimes resent it, cos I think "Hang on she's my Mum, can't she notice me for a change?"

I wonder what kind of MIL I will make. My ds had a "playdate" today with the girl he's crazy about at school today. I hope she takes good care of my baby, to coin a lovesong from the fifties. I find his adoration of her somewhat adorable and it's fun to live vicariously through him, remembering how I felt back at that age myself.

bubblesincoffee · 28/08/2011 21:25

I don't think it is always the wife that has the problem, it just seems that way on here because it's a site dominated by women!

Although there probably is more scope for mil's and dil's to clash with eachother when there is a mil who wants to remain the most important female in her baby boy's life.

FWIW, my dh loves his MIL and she loves him. I have chosen to only speak to mine once in the last three years.

AgentZigzag · 28/08/2011 21:26

It's lovely hearing about good MIL/SonIL relationships Smile

Your mum has the key narky, can't go wrong with lashes of tea and bacon Grin

Kayano · 28/08/2011 21:27

My DH and mother get on but he finds my dad very tiresome. Also my cousin. He has very little tolerance for people who repeat themselves often, tell the same unfunny stories over and over again and once said

If I have to hear about how much your cousin craved spag Bol one more time I will strangle her. Really I will

This was after I announced
My pg and she made it all about her for weeks and weeks. Lol

Luckily no major issues though

Original poster
candr · 28/08/2011 21:31

It is so nice to hear that some in laws get on well. I was starting to think we were the only ones as my DH and my parents get along really well as do I with MIL (although my mum often agrees with DH in disputes over me and they all ways choose him as partner in Trivial Persuit over me due to better knowledge of politics and sport). We have aways felt so lucky especially after reading some of the posts on here it really upsets me to see how it can affect relationships with couples and their children. Ours are really looking forward to being grandparents and we have no worries about being criticized in our choices - sorry if this sounds smug!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/08/2011 21:34

Oooh, I'd love a game of Triv, not played it for yonks.

PrincessJenga · 28/08/2011 21:35

DP adores my mum. He told her he loved her the other day (in a mum way, not in a way I need my own AIBU about!)

squeakytoy · 28/08/2011 21:43

I was very lucky. My mum and my husband thought the world of each other, and my Mum also got on very well with my husbands parents.

When my FIL died unexepectedly 3.5years ago, my mum came to stay (she lived 250 miles away) with my MIL for a couple of weeks, and they were planning on my mum selling her house and moving down here and my Mum was going to move in with MIL as they got on so well. Sadly my mum died too the same year, so it didnt happen.

My MIL is like a Mum to me though, and we have a fantastic relationship. I know I am very very lucky, especially when I read some of the threads on here.

dozyrosie · 28/08/2011 21:50

My DP and DM get on very well. In fact when me and DP were just friends, DM said "why can't you date a nice man like him", I guess she gave me the idea. But as far as me and DILs go; I'll avoid them as much as possible, and just smile an nod when I do actually have to see them. I'm sure MIL would gladly have DP living with her for ever.

plupervert · 28/08/2011 21:53

There is tension on both IL axes, but both DH and I make an effort with our respective ILs, while sharing observations aside to each other about "your DM/DF", so it seems to be all right.

On the other end, I know my mother sees DH's faults, and my MIL is frustrated by my non-hypochondriac attitude (on DS's behalf), which I paradoxically ally with strictness (how could I be so unfeeling as to deny him something he's crying so hard about?!).

Both my mother and DH's parents have invited the other set around, and presents are exchanged, etc. Basically, we are all trying hard to get along.

However, I admit that the feelings could be warmerand more natural, which is a bit sad. Mind you, DH, his brother and his parents are often shouting at one another, and taking the piss (not always nicely, either), so I don't want that, either!

springboksaplenty · 28/08/2011 21:56

DH gets on with my parents. My mom really annoyingly will take his side in 'discussions' - I think she does it just to wind me up :) She did tell him off once, he still remembers it five years on.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2011 22:03

My SiL thinks I'm wonderful, but then I would say that, wouldn't I?
Grin

exoticfruits · 28/08/2011 22:15

If this site had a majority of men posting there would be just as many terrible MIL stories. Reading MN you get the impression that mothers of DD are lovely and great mothers whereas the mothers of DSs are dreaful and terrible mothers! I don't think it works like that.

redexpat · 28/08/2011 22:49

I LOVE my MIL, DH quite likes my DM, but is a bit wary. She can get a bit overexcited sometimes, and has interesting logic which he doesnt always follow. Crazy but harmless is what he would probably write.

Xenia · 28/08/2011 22:51

I was thinking this might be about becoming a mother in law. My older children are in their 20s so presumably it's in prospect for me at some point. I think be hands off. Don't interfere. Be emotionally intelligent about it. Don't make your son or daughter choose between their spouse or me.

Don't impose your own views about children on them. Only spend time with them which they want rather than foisting yourself on them. Be nice. I try in life, in work, with my family always to say 5 positive things for every negative one.

There certainly is a tradition world wide in countless cultures where girls marry and go away and boys live with parents for life and bring their wife home. The wife then has to live with her mother in law. It is a culture all around me here and not always easy for the girls who come into the family home. From that comes the saying that you never lose a son but you lose a daughter. It comes from women as property who are handed over in their wedding and continues in our sexist weddings when father hands his daughter to her husband and she is given away like a sack of potatoes. Boys are not given away.

worraliberty · 28/08/2011 22:51

My Mum passed away years ago but my DH loved her.

He'd known her since he was about 16yrs old (he's my DB's best mate) and if my DB wasn't home when he called round...he'd sit there watching snooker or Clint Eastwood films with her Grin