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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sunday lunch, inlaws, a generic AIBU....

45 replies

Changing2011 · 28/08/2011 19:37

hi all, I am lying on my bed with a migraine - DH s parents left a little while ago, DH has now taken DD round to friends house to play.

PIL are having a difficult time at the moment, much of it of their own (financial) making, which I won't go into. DH grandmother was also widowed recently so she has had a tough time as well. I thought it would be nice if they all came for lunch. MIL wasn't too keen on grandma coming initially as she is fed up of her (not her mother) but to keep in good books she towed the line.

We got Dinner prepared, DH set the log fire up, his dad feels the cold and sits with his coat on if we don't have fire on. They arrive, the ladies sit round in the kitchen diner while I keep an eye on the lunch and put dessert together for later. DD is playing and running in and out, she is 5. FIL goes into lounge, takes up position by fire, gets DH to fetch him drinks and turns the motor racing right up loud. He emerges only to use guest toilet and does not speak while on this sojourn through the kitchen. MIL gets slowly pickled and more and more maudlin as day goes on. I serve lunch and MIL takes one look at her plate and says "I've not got X and everyone else has" I dash off to kitchen and fetch x for her. FIL has had his own meat cooked as he wont eat the particular meat we are eating. He also has several vegetables to remove from his plate as these are not in his culinary vocabulary either. He finishes eating, picks up his beer, leaves dirty plate on table, and goes back into lounge, racing goes back on. My DH kindly clears away as nobody else offers or makes any moves. MIL and GIL sit with me at the table and eventually I start getting my homemade dessert out, it has fruit in, this is not acceptable for FIL he must have shop bought cake. Get shop bought cake out and we eat dessert.

After dinner, my DD had been good all day so DH suggests a walk over to the local allotments, DD will ride her bike and show off her new skills. fIL says "not flipping likely" and sits with tv while we take rest of family for a short stroll. We then return and clear away dinner things. FIL sits on arse. We finally come through to lounge and I gladly sit down (am four months pregnant) when FIL demands coffees! his mother and wife see his behaviour as totally acceptable but seem blind to the fact that their son/grandson (my DH ) is perfectly capable of lending a hand. I think his manners are appalling and he sauntered out to the car shortly after without so much as a thank you. Pig! AIBU?

OP posts:
Arion · 28/08/2011 20:00

Definitely not his age, my lovely grandpa was born in 1911 and when he retired he took over the cooking, and took on a lot of the housework as he said my nan had already done her fair share! He was a true gentleman and sorely missed. Sad

At least you're DH is more clued up / nicer. You've got a much better deal than MIL - maybe just feel sorry for her that she's married to such an arse! Grin

Changing2011 · 28/08/2011 20:01

Nagoo - MIL has been known to turn down an invitation if we don't cater to FIL s exact needs. He has no dietary requirements, just a long list of dislikes and too much fondness for alcohol

OP posts:
Merrin · 28/08/2011 20:02

If you do have them round again I suggest you take the fuse out of the plug and look baffled when the TV doesnt work, cook food he doesnt like and look baffled again when he complains, have no cake in the house and spend as much time as you can sitting in the lounge reading. With any luck he wont want to come again!

I would also have Grandma to visit more often, she sounds lovely!

Arion · 28/08/2011 20:03

Sorry, DP Blush

Changing2011 · 28/08/2011 20:03

Arion, she is the one who has made him this way, grandma is no wallflower and would not have brought him up like this, MIL has turned him into a spoiled twat, his clothes stay on the floor where he took them off, he has never made a meal EVER since they were married. DH was pretty spoiled when we got together, but I got him young and worked on him!

OP posts:
cuttingpicassostoenails · 28/08/2011 20:04

What a truly nice person you are. Next time, unplug the TV...or even remove the plug! Can you invite MiL and Grandma and leave out the miserable old phart? Grandma sounds like a real blast...i want to be a granny like her.

Changing2011 · 28/08/2011 20:07

She is a nice old lady, I don't get why PIL are so down on her all the time, they are obsessed with her becoming a burden on them. She isn't, she is very independent. And recently widowed (not DH grandad, she married again). I would have her over them any Sunday lunch.

My parents would never have behaved like this ( my mum is dead and dad lives abroad) and would have been quite cross to see me scurrying around after such rude people!

OP posts:
defrocked · 28/08/2011 20:12

why are you pandering to them re shop bought cake and whatnot

why did you not go into the lounge, get the remote and turn the tv down to an acceptable level

did you try and engage father in the wimmens talk

Changing2011 · 28/08/2011 20:16

I did turn the tv down, which didn't go down too well, but he didn't turn it up again. I tried to start a conversation with him but he wasn't interested. Just quite sullen. Perhaps they had a row the night before, I dunno.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 28/08/2011 20:16

59 is a very good age - I speak from experience! - and far too young to be any sort of excuse. Not yet provided with a DIL or GCs, day will doubtless come, but I would regard myself with contempt if I had and behaved like that. I should add that when guests arrive in the Andrewofgg household they find the television off and off it stays.

As for impossible people having lovely offspring, that's common enough. Meet my MIL - meet my DW!

Changing2011 · 28/08/2011 20:19

FIL would be gobsmacked if not allowed to watch tv. At ANY event in someones home. I guess this is why he hasn't any friends actually. Their other son hasn't fallen far from the tree, he watches tv constantly and grunts when spoken to, has no friends and an appalling diet. The common denominator is how long each family member has lived with MIL who actively encourages this behaviour!

OP posts:
dozyrosie · 28/08/2011 20:54

You are not being unreasonable at all. I too have the worlds worst in-laws also going through a tough patch of their own financial making. They also treat everyone utter crap especially me (also 4 months pregnant), apart from GMI who is alcoholic and old so apparently can say and do as she pleases and DP who is MIL little prince that can do no wrong. Are you my SIL? Poor you, I really do feel for you.
Now my plan is avoid them at all costs, if it's really unavoidable smile, nod and ignore because I just can't win. Would this work for you?

bubblesincoffee · 28/08/2011 20:55

YANBU.

What's a pregnancy smock?

peeoffkitty · 28/08/2011 21:06

YADNBU! Sorry, nothing more to add really but just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy Grin. I contributed to a thread you started a while back when you were worried about something that happened with your DD. Good to hear everything well (apart from nightmare inlaws that is!)

muminthemiddle · 28/08/2011 22:01

Op- are you talking about my fil too???
He is exactly like this.
Once he stormed out of our house on my ds birthday because I didn't cook him a meal!!!! We asked them not to come that night, ds was very young it was mid week dh was working late, I had dd to get ready for bed nursery or school the next day. Plus mil had to work late that evening, we asked them to come at the weekend but no it suited him so we all had to oblige. He was retired at the time.Anyway he actually made rude comments about the fact that he hadn't eaten all day and now still no meal at ours-the lazy twat was sat at home all bloody day!!!!!
Anyway I have deliberately not invited him for over 12 months and you know what both myself and dh agree it has been wonderful.

Marshy · 28/08/2011 22:15

You were very good to cook and entertain them all day. Sounds like that's just how they are - if you expect any different you will be disappointed. Just be pleased that you did your best and what you wanted to do.

My DH is 59 btw and doesn't behave like this - I don't think it's necessarily an age thing, more a 'that's what he's like' thing.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 28/08/2011 22:28

Don't invite him again, or if you do tell him the TV doesn't go on when people are round for lunch. And don't pander to his childish food tastes. Fuck him and his shop-bought cake.

However, your grandma sounds like a class act. I want a pregnancy smock from her! (and I'm not even pregnant Grin)

Marshy · 28/08/2011 22:40

I vote for leaving him to watch tv if he wants to - saves the rest of you from having to converse with him.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 28/08/2011 22:57

Some people are just rude, regardless of generation, gender etc.

I have a posse of inlaws descending tomorrow, GFIL will switch telly on and sit in front of sport, not lifting a finger. I'll let him off though, because he is 89.

That side of the family do seem to be of the opinion that cooking / clearing up is "woman stuff" though.
GMIL thought I was joking when she rang one evening and her grandson was cooking a roast dinner.

I suggest you don't pander to food fussiness - use the recommended technique for children, offer meal, if he's hungry enough he'll eat it!

MrsBloomingTroll · 28/08/2011 23:11

I empathise OP, my own Dad can be like this (he's 66).

Throughout both my pregnancies he thought it acceptable for me to wait on him hand and foot with cups of tea, etc. My Mum told him off but it made no difference.

Had two classic examples recently, one where he demanded a particular pudding all of three hours after we had all returned to my house after a holiday together abroad. I'd had a very basic Tesco delivery consisting of bread, milk, sandwich fillings, and not much else, and my Dad dared to express disappointment that I hadn't anticipated the pudding he wanted for lunch that day. Hmm

Second example was when my Mum, Dad, Auntie and Uncle came to visit, arranged through my Dad. Dad failed to tell my Mum or I that they would all be staying for tea/dinner. So then Mum and I had to cobble something together based on what I had in the cupboards.

Just that generation I think. Doesn't make it right though!

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