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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friendship muddle

10 replies

itsalarch · 28/08/2011 12:54

To cut a very long story short, last year I ran out of patience with a friend (who I have known for a couple of years) who pissed me off once too often. Sent email to explain how I felt and that what with a post grad uni course to concentrate on and young children, needed a bit of space from her endless dramas. (Didn?t put it quite like that, simply that I needed a bit of space).

Anyway, a few months ago, after feeling incredibly bad for sending the email, I asked her if she would like to meet up for a coffee and a chat. She agreed and I had a nice time. I thought she had too. We left it pretty causal but said it would be nice to do this again. Anyway, kept in contact and I have just tried now to get in touch with her to see if she wants to have another coffee. Yup, you?ve guessed it ? pretty sure she?s ducking my calls.

I have got myself in a horrible muddle over this. I should never have allowed her that kind of personal intrusion in the first place ? I should have made my boundaries clear and stuck to them. At times she was a fantastic friend and great company at a point where I was very low (indeed suicidal) but other times I felt manipulated and put upon. No friendship is perfect (and this lady has had her hare of personal issues) but I wasn't at the point where I wanted to junk it totally.

Has anyone got any advice to spare MN?s?

OP posts:

Original poster

itsalarch · 28/08/2011 13:01

To clarify... the point of the post is... AIBU to expect a reply from my friend?

OP posts:

NestaFiesta · 28/08/2011 13:03

I think you're confused and now you've confused her too. Many of my dearest friends are a bit much sometimes but I wouldn't end a friendship over it.

If she helped you out when you were suicidal and then you later ended the friendship for being "put upon", then you can't blame her for being wary again.

Takitezee · 30/08/2011 15:51

YABU, I don't think I would have answered either if I were her and to be blunt you don't sound like a very good friend. You said you she was a very good friend when you were suicidal so I don't imagine it was just once that she listened to you but then dumped her because you didn't want to deal with her endless dramas.

If she's ignoring your e-mails then just respect her decision that she doesn't want to give your friendship another go.

LineRunner · 30/08/2011 16:01

Some friendships just aren't meant to be, and this may be one of them.

All friendships involve give and take and there's normally some kind of equilibrium. However if some of the highs and lows are quite extreme, sometimes it can't work; and often one friend or other feels stressed or hurt. I think you have been the former and your friend is the latter.

minipie · 30/08/2011 16:04

I don't think you can distance yourself from a friend because you don't have time for their dramas, but then expect to be able to pick up where you left off some time later. She'll have realised that your friendship is a bit more... well... limited than she had previously thought, and she will have decided to ... well .. limit her friendship in response.

SiamoFottuti · 30/08/2011 16:08

so you dumped her, decided you wanted her back on your own terms, and are now surprised she's ducking your calls.

Not very self-aware, are you?

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2011 16:10

I'd be upset if a friend went to the trouble if sending me an over and out email, and then decided they'd changed their minds.

I would ignore you too.

That sounds harsh, but I wouldn't take the risk of you humiliating me again, or let you think I was a doormat to be picked up and put down whenever you felt like it.

upahill · 30/08/2011 16:10

I wouldn't have even met up for a coffee with you after you had sent the original email tbh.

Valetude · 30/08/2011 16:13

I received one of those emails once (from someone I didn't really like!) though it was not at all direct. I just left her to get on with her life and was quite thankful. I did then meet her at her invitation, just the once, and it was clear that we were not friends. So I would be doing the same as your ex-friend is to be perfectly and brutally frank.

You felt bad, you tried to put it right, but you burned a bridge with the email. Not sure why you tried

YouDoTheMath · 30/08/2011 16:40

Well, you made it clear her "dramas" get on your nerves and now wonder why she's reluctant to pick things up where they left off.

Friendship works both ways, I'm afraid. Maybe next time, accept someone the way they are and focus on their good points, rather than letting the irritating qualities (which we ALL have, even you) outweigh them.

(I'm speaking from personal experience, by the way, of cutting someone off for trivial reasons and having regretted it ever since.)

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