Should I ask our neighbour why she's not talking to us?

[AgentZigzag]

The retired couple on the other side of our semi moved it a few months after we did 9 years ago, and like the rest of our row of houses, have been friendly and helpful neighbours over the years.

At the start me and DH would chat over the fence to them about stuff you chat over the fence about, stop and talk in the street when we saw them etc, but over the past couple of years the woman (who I chatted to the most) has chatted less and less to the point that she was watering her front garden the other day and definitely saw me (because I bumped the bins down the steps at the front) but didn't even look up.

I know you could say I should have said hello to her, but after noticing how she doesn't even acknowledge me in the street apart from a curt 'hello', I don't really want to force her.

I can't help wondering if we've done something to piss them off unintentionally we're not that noisy () and we 'keep regular hours' for the most part. DH thought the time it started could fit in with when we had a falling out with my mum and didn't have contact with her for a while, the neighbour was really off with me when she asked why my mum hadn't been round and I told her what had happened.

However, there are a couple of reasons I think it might not be because of us that she's withdrawn-

• They've just taken their house off the market because it hadn't sold after two years, the woman wanted to move but the bloke didn't, maybe she's desperately unhappy here, which she always said she didn't want to move in the first place, and she just can't bring herself to make small talk when she's somewhere she doesn't want to be?

• And I know a couple of her relatives have been quite ill and it's making her look to her own health etc, possibly tied in with wanting to move back to be near them?

I'm very quite unsociable in the main (so inviting her round or going round there isn't really on the menu), but I'm OK at small talk chatting and the like, so it's not as though we were BFF or anything, but it's been bothering me for quite a while, and now it's becoming even more blatant I'm wondering whether it'd be worth maybe asking her if she's alright and whether we've done anything to upset her?

Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie? If she's got a problem with us then it's her responsibility to say something, how can we stop whatever it is that's pissing them/her off if we don't know what it is? (Most probably it's because they realised they really just can't stand us (get that in before someone else suggests it ))

Hopefully that makes sense, I'm not sure how else to put it...in a shorter way probably

Thanks for reading though. Now...be gentle with me, it's my first thread

they have some thing of their own going on

I wouldn't seek the neighbour out to ask her specifically what the problem is, but next time you see her and have one of those dead-end chats, that would be the time when I would come out and ask if you have done anything to upset/offend them and is there any way of putting it right, that you've noticed they don't speak to you as much as they did. Then say nothing at all for however long it takes and if she doesn't say what is up and is still curt, at least you tried to sort it out IYSWIM

I think it probably isn't you and dh, it is whatever else is going wrong for them atm, it is sapping their energy for everything else

How do you do flaming?
In what circumstances is it appropriate?
Is it as in flambe,as in 'that flaming cat stole the ham again!or as in dragons?I want it to be dragons.

Yeah it definitely sounds like they have something going on in their lives. From their side, I was poorly a few months ago and even though we are normally quite friendly with our neighbours when I wasn't feeling so good the last thing I wanted to do was see the neighbours and have general chit-chat. I'm sure I was very rude (I'm not normally, promise!) but I just couldn't face it at all. Sounds like it's nothing you've done.

I think "What's up? Have we upset you?" sounds a bit needy so I wouldn't do that, but I would go out of my way to make eye contact and be extra friendly, so that if something has gone wrong between you, there is a chance to smooth it over without it being a big deal

I'd leave it. You'd be putting her on the spot - and what do you expect her answer to be? 'well actually yes, I think you're a right pain in the bum/cow/hellish neighbour...? It's probably nothing you've done anyway, but you've said yourself you're only interested in making small talk. So allow them - as your neighbours especially - their privacy.

I reckon you are a nice person who doesn't like atmospheres:
And because you don't like atmospheres/worry about offending etc. you are mulling over this too much.
I'll bet they are wrapped up in a bubble of their own problems - they may be so wrapped up that they actively avoid conversations in case they feel obliged to "explain" or justify etc.
I really doubt that their lack of engagement in conversation has anything to do with anything you have done.
I'd try not to worry about it - my Mum and Dad always followed the principle of "Be civil, polite and courteous but don't get involved" with regard to neighbours and it has served them in good stead. I have done the same.
I'd do anything to help a neighbour and I am friendly and civil - but I don't get involved.
Don't worry about it - it's not you (and yes, they could be deaf - my elderly relatives are deaf and don't hear neighbours etc.) but just be ready to lend a "helping hand" if they need it.

Thanks for all your posts.

As you know pranma, a MN flaming is having your arse slow roasted over a plethora of very hot air coals after having it basted in neat gin and a dash of herbal tea for nigh on 18 hours (sprinkling of doritos optional).

I admit I have had masochistic tendencies at times in my life, but it's just a step too far for me

I've been thinking, and wondered if I haven't directly asked her so far because if it is because of us I might not want to hear the answer? I'm not good at shit like that so I usually keep a good distance.

First thread, Agent?

Y'can gi'me some o' that fuckin' gin if it's my arse it's bastin'

Effing vipers.

I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm nice salmo but you're right I am self absorbed do worry about offending people, and I do overthink shit.

Because of that I try not to get involved in anything if I can help it.

I don't mind spilling over the line from civil into friendly, but I'm shit at any more than that.

Another over-thinker here so I understand why you might worry - but I've also learned to live the "move on and put it behind you" lifestyle.
It was hard to do as I over-analyse everything - but I learned. Oh yes.

And you are a nice person.

And I totally am stealing the basting gin.