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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in a big sulk about DH's late night

48 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 27/08/2011 08:22

So DH's oldest friend comes to stay last night (they see each other every few weeks) and after going out for a few drinks & dinner, they get in at 3.45am. I was awake worrying, then cross. So this leaves me tired on a Saturday dealing with kids while he will lie in and then try to pretend not have a hangover. Pretty sure they were just in a late bar chatting, not chained to a lap dancer or anything, so AIBU to think this is a bit pathetic at aged 40? I like a few drinks and a late night myself but this feels excessive.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/08/2011 10:41

YABU but did you send him a text asking what time he'll be home?

You've said it's rare and this is his oldest friend...just because 1am is late enough for you, doesn't mean it is for them IYSWIM.

Also, Why does he feel the need to pretend he's not hungover? If he is...then he is.

diddl · 27/08/2011 11:12

Up to him, I would say.

But I wouldn´t be tiptoeing around the house so that he could sleep in.

I´d expect him to get up & get on with what he had planned.

On the whole I think it´s a bit pathetic tbh-but purely on the grounds that the next day is often wasted with getting up late & then just flopping around all day.

leftblank · 27/08/2011 11:28

YABU if he's out he's out, shouldn't make any difference until what time. He would have assumed you were asleep.

leftblank · 27/08/2011 11:30

But yes agree with diddl, my DP gets up hangover or not normally

Piggyleroux · 27/08/2011 15:29

I think he was bu to not let you know that he would be out that late. I would be worried if my dh was out until that time and could not even send me a text to tell me it was going to be a late one. Marriage is about communication after all. if you did this how would he react?

I don't think yabu op.

worraliberty · 27/08/2011 15:35

The OP hasn't said whether she called or texted him though.

He would be U if he ignored her calls and messages...but did she try to contact him or was she being stubborn about it?

scrambedeggs · 27/08/2011 15:39

I go out but wouldn't get in as late as that - 1ish is late enough for me.

well thats your choice, 3.45 is his choice

and as for the "no text or call" lol, that makes you sound quite pathetic :)

scrambedeggs · 27/08/2011 15:39

He would be U if he ignored her calls and messages.

not if it was the 53rd time she had texted LOL

LineRunner · 27/08/2011 15:41

This was one of my pet hates when I was married to my ExH - I didn't feel able to go out, let my hair down and stay out even very occasionally, without the inevitable Atmosphere.

He once locked me and my friend out when I got home by midnight instead of 11.30pm. Refused to answer the door. Eventually I made a big loud drama of saying that I needed to phoned the police because he must have collapsed (he could hear me from inside the house) for him to answer the door.

Give your DP some freedom.

notlettingthefearshow · 27/08/2011 15:43

YABU unless you had some arrangement about plans which he broke. It's a late night but as long as it's not a regular occurrence, I can't see a problem. If you're worried about it happening again, see if you can agree what time he might roughly get in/up.

Your turn next time!

TheBolter · 27/08/2011 15:56

I reckon your dh is a bit scared of you OP! Why should he pretend not to be hungover as if he's a naughty boy around his parents?!

didldidi · 27/08/2011 16:26

Well as you've said yourself OP he does have a habit of coming in v. late so it wasn't worth staying awake worrying about was it?

HeifferunderConstruction · 27/08/2011 17:34

Just because 11ish is enough for you doesnt mean it has to be for him

why did you stay awake?? he had a key??

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 27/08/2011 18:46

YABU 1ish is your time not your DH's.

I'm not 40 but not far off and I could easily stay up until that time. In fact there are times I haven't been to bed but stayed up instead and got an early night the next night.

YANBU to expect him to do the things he's said he'd do though.

mumsamilitant · 27/08/2011 18:47

Well I'd be a bit pee'd off if he'd said he'd take the kids out to do stuff with them and let them down, that is absolutely not on. Other than that, great! Means I can too!

BrummieMummie · 27/08/2011 19:34

Did he do the things he had promised to do today, OP?

What I don't understand is, why didn't you call him if you were laying awake worrying about him until nearly 4am? But if he usually stays out until that sort of time when he goes out, I don't really know why you were so worried, sorry.

MrsGravy · 27/08/2011 19:54

Sorry but another YABU here. My DH went out with his friend last night (who was also staying here). I didn't even think to ask him when he'd be home...possibly if I'd woken at 3.30ish I'd have been a bit worried - but not angry. I'd have probably texted him at that point, simply because there isn't much night life where we live so I'd wonder where he could have got to! The 'pretending not to have a hangover' thing actually sounds pretty considerate to me. He understands he has a family and has to get on with things regardless of how shit he feels. Would you prefer him to lie on the sofa feeling sorry for himself??? You say he was 'still' in bed at 9.30. Come on, that's not so late. I'm an early riser myself and we tend not to sleep in past 9am but 9.30 doesn't sound excessive at all.

bumpsoon · 27/08/2011 20:17

sorry but another yabu from me too ,but only because in the past i have muttered the immortal line 'bye , i wont be late ' and have staggered in at 4am (disclaimer : was only about 200m away at a PTA do )

Broodymomma · 27/08/2011 22:21

I get where you are coming from. My dh rolled in at 6am last Sunday totally ruining the day we had planned. Well for him anyway I took his cashcard and took ds out for a day of treats!!!

BabeRuthless · 28/08/2011 09:20

My OH does this every now & again & did it last weekend. He had promised me several times that he wasn't going to stop out late because he wanted us all to do something together on the Sunday (we only get a couple of Sundays a month together as a family) Despite this he rolls in at half 2 without a text to let me know he's ok. He then proceeds to stay in bed until at least mid afternoon (I'd taken ds for a walk at 1 we got back round 4 & he was just making a coffee). The most annoying thing was his insistence that he wasn't hungover, just "tired". I'm still a bit pissed off about it.

DoMeDon · 28/08/2011 09:29

YABU - adults have the right to stay out late, all night in fact, if they choose to.

YA also BU about using it to get a few things you want too. Why would you use your P going out and enjoying himself as a tool to manipulate him?

YANBU to be annoyed if he disrespected you by not informing you how late he would be (although if he gave no time limit and you know he likes to stay out late I don't see the problem).

When I read these types of threads, I always think it's more to do with how they do it than what they've done. Not getting up and missing things, not letting you know they are safe, rather than staying up late - those are the things that would be a problem for me anyway.

MrsRhettButler · 28/08/2011 09:34

You say no text or call but out of interest did you call or text him to see if he was ok? (you say you were worried)

If he was drinking he probably a) wasn't aware of time, b) not thinking properly about how you were feeling and c) may have thought you were asleep and not wanted to wake you
Not excuses as such but reasons why he may not have text you

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 28/08/2011 09:36

you sound controlling. everyone deserves a big night every now and then, don't be such a shrew!

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