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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be part of the silence conspiracy?

51 replies

bigun1 · 26/08/2011 21:49

Young lass at work is expecting.

Today one of the male members of staff was tellling her some God awful things about pregnancy, birth then caring for a child.

Me & the others who have expereinced all of the above said nowt.

There was defo a silence conspiracy when i was expecting, no one told me anything, i remembered feeling utter hatred to every woman i knew who had had a child...and not told me how utterly utterly horrific it was, and what to expect.

I just cant bring myself to say anything because every one is different arent they and whatever happened to me, may never happen to anyone else, so it wouldnt be fair would it?
AIBU?

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 26/08/2011 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nihilisticbunny · 26/08/2011 23:15

Who are all these Women who think it's all going to be wonderful? With my first, obviously I observed the fact that a newborns head is pretty large relative to a vagina, I surmised that it was going to hurt, a fucking lot, even though my Mother who had 5 vaginal births all requiring stitches was very blase and all about the playing cards between contractions, I was .

It did hurt, I ended up with an emcs.

I didn't have much experience of babies, but you know I had generally heard of them and their sleepless ways.

Who the fuck goes into parenthood with a pollyanna view of birth and the newborn stage? I expected it to be hard, it was, go figure.

Nihilisticbunny · 26/08/2011 23:18

Although reading one Woman's account of a 4th degree tear on wap (was all I had) possibly sent my pelvic floor into a semi-permanent seizure which may or may not have resulted in the emcs.

cat64 · 26/08/2011 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Morloth · 27/08/2011 00:19

I tell first time expectant mothers about my birth experiences.

They don't tend to believe me though, mine were fantastic.

I don't usually bother if there is a group of women sharing their war stories, as in that situation the only valid story is a bad one.

But for first timers I talk about my virtually pain free labours, hypnobirthing and kneeling to push and finding out as much about the process as they can so they are in control and not the doctors/midwives, I also talk about getting baby latched on ASAP and not cutting the cord until it stops pulsing. The feeling like a god and those wonderful first moments.

They might not be so lucky, but it helps to balance the assumed horror and maybe they will not be so afraid.

NorfolkBroad · 27/08/2011 00:24

squeakytoy i agree with you. My dds birth was very traumatic but there is no way I could've been "prepared" for that.

Valpollicella · 27/08/2011 00:25

So many people tol me horror stories about bith...I was used to them. I knew it would be a bloody horrible mess (according to them)

But no one told me the truth about after the baby way born... And I wish they had. Might have helped with my debilitating fall when I realised that babies cry and screech for hours even when you have done the nappy check/fed/winded/hot/cold/hair wrapped around their toe...

I would have SO appreciated that insight!

SinicalSal · 27/08/2011 00:35

Don't people watch telly? Not an evening goes by when you don't see a red faced stirrupped woman being roared at to push. Surely no one believes it doesn't hurt a lot.

I agree Val, I wish I hd been told nbout life with a newborn. i was knocked for 6, so so so tired and anxious.

raffle · 27/08/2011 00:44

I remember being majorly pissed off that not one single person told me about pregnancy constipation and the resulting piles, I remember thinking you bunch of BASTARDS! All I got was the usual 'oh, you will be glowing' crap.

Andrewofgg · 27/08/2011 10:26

What was this bloke playing at?

As far as this incident is concerned the damage is done. But you, OP, or if he is your senior in the office somebody up the line, preferably a woman with DC, needs to take him aside and tell him, politely but firmly, that whatever he thought he was doing he must not do it again because he could cause deep unhappiness.

My gender doesn't always grasp what makes yours tick (and vice versa!) so be easy on him, but get the message across.

worraliberty · 27/08/2011 10:31

It's totally pointless telling her anything because firstly, unless she's lived in a bubble all her life she will know that some people have difficult births and some don't.

Also, she'll know that some people are drama queens and therefore what's 'horrific' to one person is probably Braxton Hicks to another

UserNameNotAvailable · 27/08/2011 11:24

I worked with a girl who had asked about me having ds1 - I told her how painful it was and the problems I had. Everyone (men and women) was giving me the evil eye as she was worried about how she'd cope giving birth after I told her. I wasn't going to sugar coat it just to make her feel better. Common sense tells you that its going to hurt, a baby's head coming out of a small hole that has to stretch beyond recognition will hurt. Thank god for the epidural and my c-section. One woman told her how quick and easy her birth's were - not sure if she was telling porkies but its possible she had "lovely" births.
Hopefully the girl had a painfree delivery and can tell anyone who is pregnant that asks for her experiences that its a breeze and would love to do it again.

DuelingFanjo · 27/08/2011 11:29

"and not told me how utterly utterly horrific it was"

is it? really?
I mean I had a spinal, forceps and a baby in special care but it wasn't and isn't horrific.

I think you'd have to be really naive to not have an idea that labour is painful and to not have done your own research so there really is no need for other people to bang on and on about their own experience.

DuelingFanjo · 27/08/2011 11:30

also - haven't we had this thread a lot lately?

Childbirth hurts. we all know that.

Original poster

bigun1 · 27/08/2011 14:22

I had a general anaesthetic so have limited experience of birth, i cant give any advice.

Thats not the bit that i keep to myself.
The bit i remain quiet about is after the birth for the following reasons:

I couldnt even begin to describe to anyone the bone drenching chronic exhaustion that disables you to the extent that you are unable to make a cuppa without having to grip the kitchen worktop to prevent collapse.
how i looked at the breast feeding room in Ikea and wanted to lock the door and go to sleep on the floor for just 10 minutes.
The monotomy of every day interspursed with the exhausted, lack of energy and depression that overwhelmed me every minute of every day.
The destruction, damage and mess of my gorgeous home that we had lovingly taken 3 years to do up from floor boards to ceilings in every room.
The challenges of just going to the supermarket with a willful child who made it torture.
The disapointment of realising that everyone around us, family & friends would offer absolutely no help or support even for a 10 minute break or a walk with the pram around the block while i got 1/2 an hour sleep or caught up with the washing & ironing.
Every day is a worry. from 5am in the morning when the child wakes for the day, till 12mn at night when you are then up every hour with a child with croup/colic/teething pains/vomiting & diarrhoea etc etc.
Some days, you wont rememebr if you have eaten anything or not, or even when you last had a wee in peace.
going to work knowing that your child is ill, but hoping they will be ok becasue you just cant have any more time off work, then trying to work a day afetr having 3 hours sleep, listening to the girl next to you moaning that she didnt get in fromt he pub till 2am so is knackard.
having to sort out who will pick your child up and drop them off at school every day, how you will get to parents evenings/plays/sports days and what you are going to do with them in the 6 weeks summer holidays.

Having never experienced depression in all of my 33 years, i could not have predicted that i would get it and how bad it would be.

Surfice to say, being a parent is NOT how i pictured it, despite planning everything even down to what month i want to have a baby it didnt turn out quite that way.
No i shall not be sharing any of that with my lovely friend at work

OP posts:

worraliberty · 27/08/2011 14:26

And how do you think all that relates to the pregnant woman in question OP?

Everyone has their own 'birth story' that's personal to them.

We'd be bored to tears if we had to sit and listen to them all...and at the end of the day, none of what you've written may relate to her in the slightest.

Original poster

bigun1 · 27/08/2011 14:30

I wish soem one had told me all that stuff though.

The birth is very individual, but what happens afterwards is fairly common.

Especially where depression is concerned, its common, but no one tells you. If i knew i wouldnt have felt like such a freak and would have been more vocal in asking for help. People need to know that they can get help and that its NOT that they cant cope, its that they are not well. No one told me.

OP posts:

pink4ever · 27/08/2011 15:17

I was induced with ds1. Had a very quick labour-went from 3cm on arrival to 9cm in the space of an hour and a half. Yes it hurt-full on labour almost as soon as they put the drugs in. I chose to forgo painkillers as gas makes me ill and too late for epidural. But I wouldnt say it was "horrific". Actually a far better experience than having a c-section which I had subsequently.
Everyone experience is different so probably best to keep quiet.

Original poster

bigun1 · 27/08/2011 17:51

Thats what i thought Pink4ever, she didnt ask me directly anyway.

Just observing that there does appear to be a silence conspiracy.

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 27/08/2011 18:04

Have you actually spoken to her about her pregnancy and how it's going?..

Mumcentreplus · 27/08/2011 18:10

I always speak to people about their pregnancies...'How's it going?'...'How are the scans?'..'Do you have any cravings?'..you know basic questions..

I don't think it's a true conspiracy of silence ...more a question of if women don't talk to each other and show interest then a new mother never gets the opportunity to ask questions and voice concerns to more experienced mothers..

hairylights · 27/08/2011 18:25

Yanbu.

Whenever someone tells ne a horrific birth story (people love to tell pregnant women horrific birth stories) I think of several of my friends who have had reasonably pain free and fast births and this who had difficult experiences but dealt with then well.

Original poster

bigun1 · 27/08/2011 18:32

I havent, i struggle becuase i had my 6th mc about 6 weeks ago so i tend to avoid conversations as its too hard at the moment, but i will do as she is a lovely lass and i know she is very excited.

Im not asking because of this though, im asking because i jsut dont feel right saying negative things to people at what should be an exciting time for them.

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 27/08/2011 18:47

bigun...I know what you mean...

I'm just honest and I try to be light-hearted... I have been asked is it painful I say yes because it bluddy is!...but they have really good pain relief then I tell them about how my DH took over the gas and air and I had to remind him it was for me!!...I always say you never know what could happen so be relaxed...being relaxed is the best thing you can do and you may have to change your birth-plan..rest assured many other women have done this before..every birth is unique and special.

I always say parenting isn't easy,it's difficult,boring,irritating and much more...but it's also fun, hilarious,amazing and powerful you certainly grow as a person and a woman...and they will be a great mother!

I think it's good to share experiences, because when you are a new mother you think you are the only one who has had negative feelings during pregnancy,birth and parenting...

MynameisnotEarl · 27/08/2011 19:17

I think you'd have to be really naive to not have an idea that labour is painful and to not have done your own research

I was really naive, young and immature and just didn't even think about how painful it would be.

Every woman I asked gave the same response - 'if it was that painful, we wouldn't have any more babies would we?' - sort of thing, even my mother.

Bearing in mind this was ages ago, the only books I read glossed over the pain - no, sorry, 'sensation' of labour and I was left with the impression that all I had to do was relax and I wouldn't feel any pain.

Well, I wasn't frightened in the least but I was very innocent and after the birth of my first baby, the shock stayed with me for at least six months.

I realise now I actually had a very straightforward and medically 'easy' birth but I remember it as nothing less than brutal.

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