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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL is 'the other woman'...

25 replies

TheDetective · 25/08/2011 23:42

My DF's mother is in her early 40's, and she has been in a relationship with a man for 16 years. This man is married and has two children of his own. He comes over to her house after 9pm nearly every night of the week to spend time with her. My DF has been brought up to believe he is a father figure to him despite him not truly being around in his younger years - however now DF is an adult he doesn't consider him to be any kind of father to him.

My DF knows NOTHING about this man despite his inclusion in his life over a number of years. He doesn't even know his real name, where he lives, his occupation etc... although he has made some assumptions based on what he has seen. He is very careful to keep wallet/phone/documents carefully hidden or on his person.

My DF has a nephew who is 4 years old. He considers this man to be Grandad. Now, this is where my problem lies. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable by considering the following issues.

If me and DF have children together, which we are planning on, I do not want this man anywhere near any child of mine. I know nothing about him, neither does DF. He leads a double life - what is he capable of? I don't consider him to be any kind of grandparent to my future children, and simply can not see this changing, even if by some miracle he leaves the wife (ha!).

I can see this becoming a massive massive problem with DF's mum. She dotes on her grandchild, and has him overnight and looks after him regularly. I just can't see how this is going to work if I won't allow a similar close relationship.

Please discuss, and AIBU?

OP posts:

Annpan88 · 25/08/2011 23:46

YANBU

hester · 25/08/2011 23:49

It's an odd situation, but not clear to me what is distressing you so much about it. You may see this guy as an adulterer, but why do you consider him a risk? I know you don't know the details of his life, but your df has presumably known him for several years now.

Does your df have a bad relationship with him? Is the issue your disapproval of his adultery? Or is it that he keeps his life private from you? Or something else? Why don't you want him anywhere near your child?

Original poster

TheDetective · 25/08/2011 23:50

Issue being I don't want strangers looking after my child, and to be honest I consider him to be that since we know nothing about him, not even his real name!

DF feels the same way as me.

OP posts:

hester · 26/08/2011 00:01

But df has known him for several years?

I'm not meaning to be picky or challenging. I just think there must be more to this - some family history or dynamics that will make all this make sense.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 26/08/2011 00:04

If he's been leading a double life spending the majority of his time with his dw & dc and visiting your df's mother for a couple of hours after dark most evenings for the past 16 years, I doubt he's up to much else in his spare time.

Once his kids have grown, it could be that he and your df's mum will tie the knot and he will be a sgf to any children your df may have. To hasten the happy day, why don't you get married to your df, invite mil's fancy man to accompany her, make sure he's in the snaps of the B&G with their parents and have them published in a local rag close to where your df thinks Mr Mystery Man lives?

Jacinda · 26/08/2011 00:10

There's no law forcing you to leave your child with granny for any period of time. And I'm pretty sure granny will be happy to have her nights free of wailing babies.

ArtificialIntelligence · 26/08/2011 00:15

You may do as you wish with your child, it's for you to decide who they spend time with of course.

But surely MIL knows her man's real name and details even if your partner doesn't? Why not talk to her and ask her, express your concerns, if and when the need arises? At themoment it's purely hypothetical and so it may be possible that your objections are presently purely moral ones.

squeakytoy · 26/08/2011 00:42

How can your fiance not know anything about this man if he has been in his house for the last 16 years? I cant understand that at all. He is hardly a "stranger".

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/08/2011 01:41

But of course this man is a stranger; how can he be otherwise when the most basic of information - name, address and occupation - is unknown? Hell, I found that out from a woman I sat next to in the theatre after 10 minutes!

It is impossible to have a relationship with anyone who will not share any personal information - yes, I would be wary of such a person. And I'd be wary of the mother too, exposing children to such weirdness. After 16 years, and he's still skulking around keeping his name under wraps. Yuk!

MadamDeathstare · 26/08/2011 01:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

empirestateofmind · 26/08/2011 01:59

So for 16 years he has not talked to your DF about his work or his background. The man would make a good spy!

I might be tempted to do a bit of research myself to find out who he is. A bit of detective work might throw up some gems. Equally it might put your mind at rest.

SuchProspects · 26/08/2011 07:49

YANBU That capacity for deception would concern me along with the lack of openness. I would also be worried about how my DC's understanding of good relationships would be shaped by it. And if your DH isn't happy with it despite living with it for 16 years there's no particular reason for thinking your DC will be.

That said, I don't think it would be wrong to come to the other conclusion. It's reasonable to think that 16 years of knowing someone means you have seen enough to know how they would interact with your DC and that they would be safe. Not all relationships have to be perfect.

ballstoit · 26/08/2011 07:58

Why are you worrying about something which may never arise? When, and if, you have a child of your own, would be the time to have this conversation with DF and his Mum.

caughtinanet · 26/08/2011 08:25

When you say you don't know this mans name do you mean that he was originally introduced as "John-but that's not my real name"? I don't see how you can see someone nearly every day for years and not have any kind of conversation with them.

Does the man go home at night ? If so his exposure to any future child is going to be very unlikely, how often is the 4yo nephew at the grandmas house after 9pm?

MogandMe · 26/08/2011 08:36

So what does DH call this man then - if he doesn't know his name?

aldiwhore · 26/08/2011 08:38

How do you know he has a wife? Sorry I think I missed that bit. I think you are being a little unreasonable. If he sat you down and told you his life story would that make him less of a risk? I doubt that any child of yours is more at risk of any harm than any child who knows anyone... most harm isn't done by strangers after all.

Its not comfortable to know someone and know nothing about them, on that scale I understand your concerns, maybe its time to get to know this man. Over the years has your DF never asked him anything? Had a heart to heart with his own mum saying that he feels like he's supposed to see this man as a father figure yet he's a virtual stranger?

I can't help but feel a bit sorry for the bloke.

aldiwhore · 26/08/2011 08:38

Ah lol you mention the wife in the first sentence!...

nannyl · 26/08/2011 08:41

YANBU to refuse to let your child see this man if you dont want to.

I made it crystal clear that my step dad (whose name / occupation etc etc i DID know) was never ever ever going to see my children, let alone be a "grandad" figure to them....

thankfully my mum divorced him earlier this year and our 1st baby hasnt been born yet (2 weeks to go ).

But just cause he had married my mother, IMO gave him no rights at all to have anything to do with my children.

(Just to add my step dad was a nasty violent abusive man, and i did not trust him at all)

Catslikehats · 26/08/2011 08:41

Surely DF's mum knows details about the man

nannyl · 26/08/2011 08:51

just to add

my mum has a new partner now, and she is his other woman.

he is a wonderful man (apart from the cheeting on his wife part ) but the polar opposite of ex step dad. (thank god!)

He is very welcome to see my children , though wont be a "grandad" until he has officially left his wife....

Our children will have 4 biological grandparents and MILs "new" husband will be a grandad too. (where as FILs wife will NOT be a grandmother)

OHs FILs mother (so OH's step grandmother), will also be as much a great-grandmother to our baby, as the biological great-grandparents...

My decision and thats how it is and its non negotiable..... if anyone doesnt like it then tough!!!!!

Merrin · 26/08/2011 08:57

I also would do some detective work as its all rather odd and I am nosy.

diddl · 26/08/2011 08:57

Can you not trust MIL enough?

That said-your child doesn´t ever have to stay with any GPs without you there-it´s up to you!

iscream · 26/08/2011 09:45

Hire a private investigator. Then you can decide what to do armed with whatever you learn.

pictish · 26/08/2011 09:49

Argh..that's a toughie.
Have you expressed these concerns directly to her?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 26/08/2011 11:33

You know what, your DH has known him 16 years and doesn't like him, and feels uncomfortable having him around your baby - that'd be enough for me. I trust my DH's judgement and I'd hate to have DD around someone I had a bad feeling about.

Like SuchProspects I'd also be worried what it was teaching about healthy relationships.

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