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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Keeps on lying - what to do?

49 replies

connorsmum88 · 25/08/2011 23:10

Hi there
Ive just joined so bear with me!
My sons dad and i split in march and a month ago he got with someone else - which doesnt bother me in the slightest as it was me that initiated the split. However, i had asked him that whenever he had our son (which is one day at weekend for 5 hours as hes in the army) he wasnt to allow him to meet his new gf as he gets attached too easily (ie incase they split etc). It would be fine for them to to meet after a few months ie 3, but not just now.

Turns out our son has met her twice now and i was never told. only way i found out he turned up to take our son and she was hiding in the car!!!
Iv said hes not getting our son alone until i can trust him not to go behind my back ie ill be with him - is this too far or what else can u suggest?
PS his new gf is 17 - he is 25. our son is 2.

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 25/08/2011 23:40

I see why you're upset, but there isn't much you can do to be honest. He sounds a cock, if he thinks it's ok to introduce your son to random girlfriends - he's going to continue to do it.

What would bother me more, and what I WOULD be laying the law down on, is teaching/encouraging your son to lie. Make this very clear to your ex - if he starts to teach his young son that it's ok to lie to a parent to get yourself out of a sticky situation, one day, that training is going to come back and bite HIM right on the arse. Does he want his DS to learn to lie to him too? Because he will. Remind him that if he wants to be a good parent, with a son to be proud of, he'll rethink on treating you like this in front of your son.

worraliberty · 25/08/2011 23:41

How can he be honest when your attitude is that if he introduces him to his GF, you'll insist on going on the visits to make sure he doesn't?

Please don't think I can't see your POV. I can, but I can also see his.

Original poster

connorsmum88 · 25/08/2011 23:43

these posts are making me see things from his point of view tbh....i just dont want ds to meet her too soon and he agreed to that a week before it all came out he was already meeting her.

OP posts:

saladsandwich · 25/08/2011 23:43

i think as a parent of a young child you should have some rights to who your child is meeting on a regular basis, i dont think its a massive ask that he had waited a couple of months before introducing the g/f. i also thing that he should be spending time with the child on his own if hes only gettng 5hrs a week with them not him and g/f if you get me.

i think when trust is broken i think its natural to become protective, i know my ex took my ds to a park once, nothing wrong with that at all, but he lied when he dropped him off said he'd been in the house all day, but his brand new shoes where caked in mud... why bloody lie? if he can lie about that what else might he lie about, try sit down and just say you'd rather be mad at him than him lie

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 25/08/2011 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BoscoIsMyLover · 25/08/2011 23:45

No offense OP but you need to butt out a bit. Everyone should be cordial foer the childs sake but if ye cannot manage that, all you can do is bite your tongue and let your child be with his father.

What if you get together with someone, you feel the time is right to introduce him to DS and your ex says no and forbids it? Would you be happy with that?

Original poster

connorsmum88 · 25/08/2011 23:46

i think thats what is getting to me more is that he isnt spending one on one time with his dad alone - i know if i was there he still wouldnt be but id rather it with me than a stranger.

OP posts:

Original poster

connorsmum88 · 25/08/2011 23:47

i wouldnt be happy but i have the respect for him to talk things through. i wouldnt think about letting someone meet and perhaps bond with my son until i knew it was serious

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 25/08/2011 23:48

While I can totally agree with you that it's far too soon to introduce your DS to the new GF, I'm afraid you have no right to tell your ex what he can or cannot do with your son (providing it's legal obv) and giving him ultimatums is one hell of a sure fire way of ensuring he does the exact opposite of what you want imho

It sucks sometimes I know but you no longer have any call over his behaviour

BoscoIsMyLover · 25/08/2011 23:49

You cannot dictate what he does with your DS when he has him. Seriously, twist it around for a minute and imagine the ex telling you you can't meet this friend, or you can't do this with him! He would be viewed as a controlling twat.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 25/08/2011 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

worraliberty · 25/08/2011 23:53

And another point is this...your ex may end up dating lots of women for the next few years.

All the relationships could last a few months. Your Son will still meet them (with your blessing by that time) and still end up not seeing them again.

Sadly, when you split up you don't get to control everything that happens.

Original poster

connorsmum88 · 25/08/2011 23:57

hmmmm....lots to think about....i just hate people lying tbh its got to me but i would never stop DS seeing his dad its just getting round the obstacles that i havent quite figured out lol

OP posts:

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 25/08/2011 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

connorsmum88 · 26/08/2011 00:02

as a pp said, he only offered to see DS for 5hours on a Saturday so i thought hed rather spend it alone but i suppose at 2 DS only cares hes seeing his dad, not who else is there. i just thought ex would have a bit more balls to mention it lol

OP posts:

worraliberty · 26/08/2011 00:04

I know what you mean about 'balls' but perhaps he felt that would entail an argument.

I'm not saying he was right to lie...but at the same time I think he might feel you're being unreasonable so doesn't want to rock the boat when it comes to seeing his son.

Of course it shouldn't rock the boat and it's a shame he feels he has to lie...though again I do understand your POV too.

MoominsAreScary · 26/08/2011 00:23

The thing is regardless of if your right or wrong they are your rules not his, if it was the other way round he would have no choice, if you have no issues with him as a father you should leave things as they are. This will not be the last time you disagree on parenting issues and unfortunately the lying is also something you will have to put up with for the sake of your son. When it boils down to it as long as your ds is happy with his father and safe what you want to happen eg no lying/ introducing to early isn't a priority

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 00:45

I might be in the minority, but I cannot see why you get to decide when he introduces his girlfriend to his own son, nor do I see why you get to refuse your son access to his own father because you do not want him meeting the girlfreind yet. especially as you admit your son gets attached so presumably will be very attached to his father. He is just as much his son as yours, and it really is not your place any more than it is his to dictate the visitation.

Andrewofgg · 26/08/2011 07:54

Ex-partners have been unhappy about their DCs meeting the XOH's new OH since time immemorial and in the absence of serious and justified personal objection to the new OH it is just too bad. If you meet someone new your DC will spend far more time in his company than every he will in this GF's and your ex will have to live with it. And you have to live with this.

The lies aren't good but if he feared a major battle with you withholding contact in the meantime - and such things have happened - I can see why he was economical with the truth.

Mitmoo · 26/08/2011 08:23

You have put him into a position where he had to "obey" you or lie to you. Your son's emotional attachments issues are a pile of old hooey, she will only be with him for 5 hours a week and that is unlikely to change.

However, I would be furious that the father had taught the child to lie to his mother. Now that for me is a very real issue. He is going to lie to you, that's parr for the course I'm afraid, but he should never teach his child to lie or keep secrets from his Mum. He is 100% wrong there.

There is nothing in place that says you have to let the child go to him, he would have to go to court to apply for contact which can take months, while he isn't seeing the child at all. That's not fair on the father or the child. It is a last resort not a first one.

I think you might think about saying something like "I believe it is in DS best interest not to meet new partners until three months into it (nonsense anyway what difference would that make?) but now that it has happened it may as well carry on. However I have very real concerns about you as a role model and father teaching your son to lie and keep secrets from his mother, this is not in his best interest at all. I truly want you to see your son and will be as flexible as possible in order to avoid lengthy and protracted court cases. I hope this can be avoided at all costs".

Just to let him know he needs to not teach a toddler to lie and has to consider what is in your son's interest. Oh and don't supervise the contact yourself, he is no danger to the child.

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 09:26

i have given this more thought....

my ex only has supervised access and either his family or i supervise it, i will be honest when i supervise it, it is one of the hardest things i have to do, we get on better now so its getting easier but ds didn't see his dad properly for about 12months (not my choice)

i decided when the ex was in some kind of state to see ds that i would go with what the courts would do, which is supervised access and rather than ds go to a contact centre miles from home and drag it through courts we came to an arrangement.

i dont think things are at this sort of level for you, if you was getting along before this...i might be wrong but i thought i read he had thrown a load of obscenities i wouldn't be happy about him throwing insults infront of ds though, thats not on at all dont care how angry he is its not a way to carry on.

Original poster

connorsmum88 · 26/08/2011 10:06

he throw obscenities - he was name calling and shouting and when he left he slammed doors! he is the kind of person that would rather shout n scream when he disagrees rather than sit down and talk.

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 26/08/2011 12:02

You are focussing on all of the wrong things IMO.

Who cares when he meets the exes new partners, it doesn't matter. I am more freaked that my ex hasn't introduced my son to his partner of three years.

Your son is not going to emotionally damaged because he meets exes new partner and they might split.

You have a father who teaches a child to lie and deceive their mother. that matters

Your son WILL be very likely to be emotionally damaged by seeing his father shout obscenities at his mother while slamming doors. That matters Then previously you have said you want to supervise contact despite him being abusive to you in front of your son. This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

I think you need to have a long hard think about what behaviours are in your sons best interest (truely and genuinely) and which ones aren't (like NP) because if you don't understand it yourself you can hardly set yourself up to teach him anything and your poor child is witnessing domestic violence and you are doing nothing to stop it.

sausagesandmarmelade · 26/08/2011 12:10

I can see where you are coming from, but I don't think you have any right to demand that your son doesn't meet the girlfriend for 3 months. She is part of his life now....and he's decided that he wants to share some of his access time with her.

HOWEVER - I don't his conniving....OR that he is teaching his son to keep secrets from Mummy (which is undoubtedly happening).
He should have been open and honest with you. What sort of example is he setting the child?

Serious words are needed about how to proceed from now on.

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