to be feeling so ambivalent about having a child?

[Theala]

Hello, I'm new and have been lurking for a few days because I've suddenly been hit with a massive attack of The Brood. I'm 36, nearly 37, and my partner of two years is 44. Neither of us have any children yet, and I'm aware that time is very quickly running out, if it hasn't already done so. (My mother went through the menopause at 40, apparently.)

So I've discussed the situation with my DP, and we've agreed that after my gynecologist's appointment in two weeks time, I'll go off the pill and we'll see what happens. So that seems all well and good and sensible.

Except I'm terrified of having a child and finding that I really hate being a mother and/or my DP hates being a father and that I've made everything worse instead of better. My DP is as ambivalent as me, and would probably not make the decision to have a child if I didn't make it for him.

I don't know whether this ambivalence/fear means that I really shouldn't have a child, or whether it's more or less normal. There is also the possibility that I/we can't have one and I'm working myself up into a tizzy for nothing. But I feel like I've two weeks to decide one way or the other now, I've been umming and ahhing for far too long.

Ambivilence is healthy I think, it's not a decision that should be taken on a whim/while full of vodka.
You're broody, but you're thinking about it from all angles. Nothing wrong with that.

I would say go for it. The vast majority of people wouldn't be without their DC, especially when they're only ambivilant rather than decidedly happy to be childfree.

I wonder if you are as ambivalent as you think you are. I think that your DP is less keen than you and you really need him to be honest with you.

I also think that you'd actually be a bit crazy not to be a bit ambivalent - if you were not scared then you would not be taking it seriously enough.

Just read your last post about the broodiness being turned off while single. I think that's normal and than many (most?) women want to be in a relationship that they feel comfortabel and confident in when they have children. I had zero interest in children before dh. Being around made me see how I would love to have a family with him. I think if you have felt this way for year and alreayd tried before... you should get a move on while you can!

My mum used to say "the only people who aren't terrified at the thoughts of having children are the ones who haven't thought about it enough"

I can't really assist, OP because I feel very similar (36 and an all important half ), but I have given myself six months to think about it very seriously but without the pressure of of actually being off contraceptives.

I was ambivalent both times I got pregnant, even though they were planned children - my worries were about it affecting our relationship (it definitely brought us closer), whether I was too selfish (we all get on with it and learn to become less selfish), and whether I'd be a good mother (I'm good enough).

Being a mum is the hardest thing I've done in my life by far, but the most worthwhile, by far.

I'm another who looked at a positive test with utter horror. I felt ambivalent up to the point of birth. And then profoundly ambivalent. And I certainly used to envy people with no children.

I still don't know what it is like just to go for it, single-mindedly; and in reality most people don't, in fact, they want the package of A Family. Very few do what my sister did, which was to conceive as a single parent (donor insemination) and assume she would be a single parent (as it happens, she's not).

I enjoy parenthood now, though. I am glad I did it.

I was ambivalent. I only got pg because I knew my DH wanted children but I wasn't sure that I did, I only thought I probably wouldn't mind; but I did also have a very strong suspicion that if I suddenly couldn't have children I'd be pretty devastated.

So. I was ambivalent all through pregnancy as well - didn't enjoy being pg, even though I had a pretty easy ride of it - right up until the day of my induction, when I suddenly got quite frightened and thought "what the FUCK have I done? Am I going to be ok? What if I don't like the baby?" I phoned my Dad and my two best friends and bleated at them. They were all very good (one BF had a child, the other didn't) and 'talked me down'. I went in for the induction and 2d later, DS was born.

As soon as I had hold of him, I wasn't ambivalent any more. I didn't get the "rush of love" thing but I felt I had known him for ages and now I was just getting to see him, like when you have a longterm penpal who you know intimately but have never met (that could be just me as well then!) only so much more.

DS is the best thing I have ever done, I know it's trite but it's true. And I am so glad I had him.

Funny thing though - TTC no. 2 - and the ambivalence is back. I have no doubt that if I get lucky (2 MCs so far, not doing too well) and actually deliver a 2nd baby that I will be fine and love it just as much as DS - but currently am pretty ambivalent about it all (still going though!)

I was 39 when DS was conceived, I'm 44 now. No. 2 is taking a while (if ever) and I wish I had been able to start younger. Maybe not so ambivalent after all?

X post motherinferior - I totally agree. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I'd not been fortunate enough to get pregnant very easily.

Thumbwitch - I was also ambivalent about no 2 9more so, actually0 - the worries were just slightly different and more well-informed ones. Again, no regrets!

Thank you all very much, this is very helpful.

I think maybe I need to discuss this with my DP some more, to make sure that we're both on the same page, and that it's not just me bossing him into it.

I'm going to discuss it with my gyn in two weeks' time too, and see what she says.

I've also ordered this book from Amazon. Can't hurt, right?

I am John's Big Ball of Bluddy Indecision.

I was ambivalent, I could never really imagine myself as a mum, husband and I were having far too much fun, and my friends at the time has all been there done that and were coming out the other side of nappies.....

But for me, the day I found out I was pregnant everything changed. We'd done the 'ce le vie' approach to conception, so were enjoying not being 'careful' rather than 'trying for baby'.... but it was alll alright, any fears over my possible capabilities as a parent given I was a party animal were switched off instantly, as were husband's.

I count myself as lucky, other friends and family have battled to conceive and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I didn't have PND, we fit snuggly into being parents.

I don't think being ambivalent is a bad thing, for us had we being 'trying' it would have taken us 5 years and with the mindset of TTC I know I would have found that traumatic, sometimes being ambivalent isn't a case of not minding either way but self preservation?

Op I wish you luck, I hope you ambivalence pays off, I hope things work themselves out, but right now, YANBU at all. (I don't think I'm allowed to send hugs to strangers but just let's pretend we are for a second)

YANBU to feel like this. I felt like this when i was pregnant with dc1 I think many people worry about how they will handle things. You say you do want children but in ten years, i would go for it. I know some people may look back and regret having children (although i dont know any) but I should think more regret not having them when they had the chance - and it sounds like you would.

I think if you'd said scared or worried about having a child I would have said that is normal. It is a massive responsibility (more that you can even imagine) and it is completely life changing. But you said ambivalent. I don't think that is normal, especially not by your mid-thirties. I would say don't do it unless you are sure.

The questions about already pregnant / will never get pregnant should focus your mind and reveal what you really want.

I think a lot of people have mixed feelings. There are those who are absolutely dead certain they want kids, and sometimes even start at a young age. And some who definitely don't want kids and build perfectly lovely lives without them. But I bet most of us are somewhere in the middle. Excited by 'the idea of embarking on this new adventure, but also terrified it might not be what we want it to be.

The other thing that I feel quite strongly is that if you already have a happy life and a good partnership, thats probably the best foundation on which to become parents, even if you feel ambivalent. A lot of people have children for all sorts of crap reasons- eg to try to save a bad relationship, or to keep a partner wbo might leave, or to escape a job they don't like, or to fill some gap in their life. The fact that those things don't apply to you- you are happy as you are, to my mind makes you more likely to be happy parents.