AIBU to wonder how anyone with a toddler and a newborn stays fed, clean and sane?

[Helzapoppin]

We have a two and a half year old and a fifteen day old in our house and I spend much of my day wondering how anyone copes with even basic living with this fraught combination.

I'm having a difficult recovery from a section and DH works long hours, but I have my mother staying for the next fortnight and she is basically functionning as a House Elf (poor woman!) - I don't think I've seen her sit down in two days. I've just put down my baby for the first time since 5.30 (3 week growth spurt?) and DD has been taken to the swimming pool.

So, AIBU to wonder how on earth anyone copes once they are on their own with the two children and expected to keep them fed, clean and stimulated? (or am I just a bit lame in the parenting department?!)

And as I finish my post, so the baby awakes!....

DS1 (2 and a half) went to a creche for 3 hours a day whilst I go home with baby to make dinner (the only simple proper meal of the day) and do the minimal washing up/laundry etc. That way DS1 is less bored and happier so everyone else is happier.

I don't remember it being that hard, but mine are now 10 and 11, so I might have blocked it out forgotten.

I had an 18 month old and a newborn. Then, when the baby was 6 months old, I looked after my friend's 6 month-old every day while she was at work. So a 2 year old and 2 babies.

I was showered and dressed every morning by 8.30am, and we just got on with it.

When I had a 3.5 year old, 18 month old and newborn, there was a lot of ceebies and biscuits. I spent a lot of time moaning "but I'm sooooooooo tired." In many ways it was easier when DC4 was born 2.5 years later when DC1 was at school because there was no time to wallow - we had to be on time.
The bf ones had a lot of top ups before we went out, rather than proper feeds - once DH came home it would mean longer evenings of cluster feeds while he put the older ones to bed.

But personally I found going from 1 to 2 most difficult even though it was a reasonable age gap (22 mo) - it was just learning to juggle more than a PFB.

So, have another, it'll seem easy

Even with a 7mo baby, I have had to lower my standards and expect my house not to look tidy. I'm now an LP with 4dc (13.5yo, 9.4yo, 7.10yo and 7mo). And it's the holidays. My house is a shithole total mess at the moment. As long as I tidy and hoover the front room once a day, get 2 loads of washing done, do all 3 meals for the dc, washing up done and dc cleaned, I don't much care about the rest of it! The older dc will be back at school in 2 weeks, then I can do a good deep clean and get it back to 'normal' again!

I was fed ( a lot of chocolate) and clean, because I took my newborn in the shower with me - until she was able to sit up in the bath, actually. Sane? Probably not. Dh asked me why I was swearing so much in the evening and I told him it was because I had been swearing so much in my head all day.

Simple - I didn't stay sane.

Seriously though - you do learn to juggle your time and attention and it does get easier as you get more practiced at it.

haha, I have a 3yo and am having a cs in a week and a half for my twins - no hope for me then!

I plan to stay in my pjs, avoid make-up and hope dd1 gets enough stimulation from 2 days a week at nursery! I'm also planning on these two babies sleeping... I'll just go and see if I can get my head any further in the sand...

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions. It's just nice to know I'm not the only one. Breastfeeding has been a lifesaver from the point of view of being able to sit down for a while. CS recovery has been much harder than last time however, with a big old haematoma lurking behind my scar and a would infection :(

Good to know it will get better though and I feel so lucky to have had all the help I have, from both mum and DH who spends the evenings with DS in a sling answering his work emails, so that I can shower, eat etc.

Thanks again, I feel much better now :)

op glad you're feeling better, i agree with the other comments it will get easier. in a way its easier once all your help goes cos it force you to get on with it by yourself, then you have the confidence to know that you can, iyswim? but obviously recovering from csection you will need the help for now!

once your fully recovered i definitely agree the suggestion about toddler groups etc, for me it helps a lot. it keeps your toddler busy & can be a good support for you. i also have a 15ish day old (i am so crap i lose track already , a 20 months and a 3 yr old, and dh is in hospital :( i am keeping them clean & fed but my house is in a mess, and not sure i would class myself fully sane at the moment :p

I managed fed and clean but not sane.

It gets loads better though, 3 years on and the DDs (26 months apart) are best of friends. They play together so nicely and love to do fun girly stuff. We are currently planning our halloween costumes, picking the patterns, trawling the fabric stores... I wouldn't have had it any other way.

It does get better quickly and if all else fails there's always CBeebies. I actually think you'll find it easier after your mum goes as you'll get into the swing of managing it yourselves and discovering the knacks, like you do with the first. Having said that you've had a CS so your Mum's help is invaluable at the moment but once you're fully recovered going solo will ironically make it easier!

Oh you poor thing with the infection :( I had one after my EMCS with DS1 - he was 7 weeks old before I could stand completely upright when I walked.

Take it as easy as possible and get plenty of good quality calories into yourself - and yes, cake

Once you are fully recovered then yes it will be easier by yourself. In the meantime though, take full advantage of all support offered! My DH still puts DS2 in the sling in the evening if he is fractious so that I get a bit of time to potter around and sort myself out :)

Well it's hard. Top tips would be get quick healthy stuff in to eat. M and S salads were a godsend for a quick snack for me but ££££ to have all the time. Batch cook if you get the chance (or get a helpful family memeber to). I got a bath/shower in the evenings when dh was home so it didn't matter so much if I didn't have time in the morning. Go out for walks and to the park and baby groups if you like them. It get's easier as the newborn gets bigger.

It does get easier. And for most people it gets easier quite quickly, and that's why they manage to forget what a state they were in for those first few weeks. You have a couple of weeks where you're doing bloody well if you manage to brush your hair before lunchtime, but then things just start to come together somehow. Honestly!

Oh I remember the days, no you are definitely NBU. You are in what my friends call the zone. It stems a lot from lack of sleep, living in chaos and not having any mental clarity. Remember different people have different pressures so try not to look at others who seem to be coping and beat yourself up. Breastfeeding and difficult births make life harder. I had a 2.5 yr gap and the older child was often described as 'lively'. Have you got your older enrolled in a playgroup, around our way they start taking for a couple of hours at age of 3. Try and get as much sleep as you can and go to bed early and go easy on yourself.

I have 16 months between my two, new town, no friends and no family nearby. I can remember exactly how you a feeling, its bloody impossible!

The babies were clean and fed but I wasn't.
Frankly if I managed a shower every third day I considered it a success. My eldest watched quite a lot of cbeebies, much more tv than I am happy for her to watch if I'm honest but it was just about surviving with some sanity.

I used to get DH to make sandwiches for me and DD1 to eat for lunch in the morning whilst he was making his packed lunch for work. Then I only needed to get them out of the fridge and I could eat mine whilst bfeeding the baby.

I used to put the baby down for a nap in a moses basket near the sofa so once DD1 was in her cot for her nap I could nap next to the baby, I didn't need to move then to shush her if she woke up.

I put a note on the door saying 'baby and mum sleeping, DO NOT knock' which worked a treat and stopped the cold callers interrupting the precious minutes of nap I managed to get.

I used tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts for pjs, instead on ones that looked like pjs (if that makes sense) so if the next day was a bad'un and I didn't manage to get dressed it didn't matter so much. I just looked like I was in my sweats, i could even pop my pumps on and pop to the shop if I was desperate. NB. For this to work you need to remember that spray deodorant is your friend!!

If any friends are popping over, ask innocently if they will be passing any shops on the way because you could do with some milk and haven't managed to get out. In my experience they will realise that you need a bit of help and every time I did this my friends would turn up with milk, bread, cheese and chocolate! Definitely worth a try and a better present than flowers!

As hard as it was though I found that I soon found my feet and now its great. Just keep your chin up!

I have a 3 year old and 9 week old twins, i promise it gets easier!
The best bit of advice i was given was, after you have done the first feed of the day, even if you have been up all night, put the baby somewhere safe, put cbeebies on for the toddler and have a shower, it only takes 5 mins and you will be surprised how this one thing made me feel like a human, even after 1 hours sleep.
I religiously did this from day one, even in hospital, and it does help.
Im afraid my ds has watched a lot of dvds over thelast few weeks, he goes to nursery and grandparents a few days, gradually we are getting out more.
This morning we went on the train at 9.30 to a soft play area had lunch there and came back via the barbers for ds hair cut.
Im quite proud of that acheivement!
Oh and invest heavily in batiste dry shampoo, its a wonder of science!!

I remember that feeling from last year. I had a 2.10 year old, a 22 month old and a newborn. Luckily (or unluckily depending on point of view) it was a couple of weeks before christmas so it worked out that with paternity leave DH had three weeks off work. DH entertained the older two while I got looked after the baby. Was hard when he went back to work but after a few months weeks I got back into a routine.

For a while though standards dropped, the house was clean enough, we had simple meals, sausage and mash and the like, I left DH to bath the kids when he got home, and I gave up on toys being tidied away until the older two were in bed.

Sanity however went out the window way before DC3 was born, right around the time I had a newborn and a just turned 1 year old.

babies were designed to be brought up in unsanitary caves, so a 21st century 1st world home is way above spec. So Lower your standards. Lower than that.... Also:

• TV/DVD for Toddler while you feed
• Mums as House Elves are a brilliant plan
• Get out the house daily or you will go bats.

But biggest think IMO is SLEEP, so do whatever you need to get that - a mother with sleep = a happy mother, a happy mother = happy kids. So:

• Chuck out all the baby theory books, because most are designed for 24x7 maintenance programs of a PFB. Do what works.
• Chuck out all the BF/Co-Sleep/whatever dogma - just do whatever you have to to get more sleep.
• DH effectively becomes No 1 parent for Toddler in his not-at-work time.

Oh I know I often think the same thing when speaking to women who had lots of kids,

The idea of having another with my Hurricane is like

www.euronet.nl/~ps_rozen/TROA/aaaargh.jpg

Yes, very easy to forget those early weeks, look after yourself.

OP I have a 3 year old and 8 months DS - I didn't have a section which meant my recovery time was much quicker and I was up on my feet and chasing round the little the day after I came home for hospital. However, I do appreciate how hard it is as shortly before DS was born I became a single-mother I have had no choice but to cope on my own from day one. Looking back I'm really not sure how I managed to survive those early weeks but I did and so will you too, promise . I have found that the day-to-day practicalities of looking after small ones doesn't get much easier but you just learn to cope better, go with the flow and take it one day at a time. Hair scrunchies, tracksuits/pyjamas and Ugg (or similar) boots are your friends in the early newborn days, as are the microwave, baked beans, jacket potatoes, ready meals and easy cook pasta. Forget about trying to keep the house spotless but focus on the basics - I just try to keep the kitchen and main living room (barely) hygenic - and iron any clothes as and when needed. I used to make sure my eldest was fed and watered before I sat down to feed baby but now he has gotten used to having the baby around he'll usually wait if he needs something whilst I'm still feeding or entertain himself with toys or cbeebies. Oh yes, learning to eat quickly and on the go are important skills I suggest you master as are showering, dressing, brushing teeth/hair within 2 minutes, all the while listening out for the baby and making sure the toddler is not trying to sneak in to baby's cot to pinch hug baby while your back is turned for 5 minutes . Enjoy the chaos. Good luck!

I had a 2.8 very lively ds when ds2 was born. Ds2 was born via emcs following a failed 69 hour induction. He was very ill both with jaundice and then bronchiolitis and was in nicu for 3 weeks. I got a wound infection and was pretty ill too not to mention mental with worry re ds2. Ds1 was totally freaked re the whole thing and ceased sleeping. We had no family support at all. It was fucking awful.

However ds2 is now a fit and healthy 5 month old and everything is fine. House not as clean as I would like, more Cbeebies than I would like, fewer nutritious meals than I would like, but it's ok.

It gets better, honestly.

Lifesavers: breastfeeding, forces you to rest. Cbeebies and a lot of skyplus toddler programmes. Biscuits. Get in the bath with both the kids in the evening. Just accept there will be washing everywhere, tumble dry everything. Do not iron. Limit cooking to heating up frozen stuff. Get your toddler to fetch stuff and entertain newborn. Put stairgate on living room door so toddler can be safely contained watching telly while newborn sleeps in another room. Use online shopping delivery. Dont stress if toddlers day consists of 30 episodes of bob the builder, they wont mind. Dont even try to impose a routine of naps etc for newborn just go with the flow. Know that it will all be better very soon.

I've actually saved this thread as come January 24th (ish) I'll be needing it!!

:)