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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not accept this gift?

23 replies

BooBooGlass · 24/08/2011 08:15

I need the MN consensus before I decide if I'm just being silly or am being practical.
I live in a rented flat and the landlord recently had the kitchen refitted (which was badly needed). During the fitting the cooker switch blew, which resulted in a £150 bill for him to put right. The kitchen now looks great, after years of looking awful. My parents are visiting this week, and they commented that he could have put a new oven in. The oven is old I suppose, but isn't particuarly ugly and it works fine. Last night, as a surprise for my birthday next week, the presented me with a reciept from Currys for a new oven to be delivered next week. They've spent £300 quid including the installation I know I should be grateful, and I am, but I don't feel I can accept it. For one, my oven does work fine. Second, my landlord just had a big repair bill, I'm not sure he'd be impressed at me getting rid of his oven. My dad said I can just ask him to store it til new tenants come (I have no plans to move, I've been here years) which would probably give my landlord a problem as I doubt he has space. And as a tenant, I kind of like that as the appliances are all his, they're not my responsibility if they go wrong.
But overall it's the money. We grew up with none really, but I know my parents ar enow better off than they have ever been and just want to help me out. So I feel awful to say I can't accept it. But I'm a single mum, no job atm, and it seems like the most enormous waste as I don't actually need it. That money would pay my electricity for the winter. I obviously don't expect the money in lieu, I would refuse that as well, but this has kept me up all night, which is silly! They've never done something like this before and I feel awful that my reaction was 'I can't accept this'. They told me to think about it and let them know today. I feel awful, though I do realise this is a nice dilemma to have. Sorry for the essay about a kitchen appliance

OP posts:

MrsPresley · 24/08/2011 08:20

Why dont you speak to the landlord first? He might not want you taking out his stuff and putting in your own.

If he's ok with it then accept what is a lovely gift from your parents.

They are probably thinking your lovely new kitchen is spoiled a bit by the the old oven.

I'm really at a new kitchen!

Romilly70 · 24/08/2011 08:23

I would just be completely honest with them - they are your parents after all, and just say what you have said in the thread. As the cooker has not yet been delivered, I am sure it can be refunded and your parents could give you some financial help towards your electricity bill.
you are right in thinking that it is best that you keep your landlord's appliances so that they are his responsibility and as you have been there years it is good to keep on good terms with your landlord

Takitezee · 24/08/2011 08:23

Yes, speak to your landlord. It could well be that he doesn't want his oven left in storage and might say no in which case you could tell your parents or he might say yes and you'll have a lovely new oven.

Mitmoo · 24/08/2011 08:31

I think your parents have done a lovely thing for a daughter who is clearly very loved. I think you would hurt them if you refused this very kind gesture.

I'd accept and thank them. The old cooker is not an issue it probably has very little value anyway and there isn't much to go wrong with a cooker.

Original poster

BooBooGlass · 24/08/2011 08:34

I will speak to my landlord, but I do think that the recent repiar bill will swayit, and I don't blame him. I'm on very good terms with him and don't want to rock the boat. I would love a new oven but I think years of scrimping and saving have given me an attitude of 'do I need it?' rather than 'do I want it?' I don't need it, and tbh wasn't expecting a gift at all, they forgot my birthday last year and even if they'd asked me I'd have asked for 20 quid to put towards dd's uniform. It's just an overwhelmingly nice gesture, but it's too much.

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 24/08/2011 08:39

I posted a similar thread a few weeks back but it was a neighbour and a television that he had bought and paid for from a second hand shop and I either had to refuse of accept and he'd have wasted his money. I only had two hours to decide and felt I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

I accepted the gift but felt uneasy, he's been to all of the neighbours telling them how thrilled he is to have helped me as I've helped him in smaller ways in the past.

With hindsight, accepting and not hurting him was the kinder option.

Your parents probably know you are very proud and wouldn't accept hence the surprise. I'd just worry that you'd hurt your parents no matter how noble the thoughts. It's a hard one though.

yaimee · 24/08/2011 08:41

If you have a good relationship with them I would just tell them exactly what you've written in the post. I think that it sounds as if they would understand, particularly if they had little when you were younger, so have been in a similar position to the one you are in now!
Hope everything goes well and have a lovely birthday next week :)

Original poster

BooBooGlass · 24/08/2011 08:56

I hope they do understand. It's just that having a (to my mind) totally unnecessary £300 appliance in my home would probably make me feel more guilty than saying no to them. I am incredibly grateful, it's an amazing gesture, I just don't need it. The thought was amazing, I truly am grateful, and their intentions were lovely. But it's too much.

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 24/08/2011 08:56

so i'm the only person who thinks an oven for your birthday, especially when you don't need one is a bit then?

i think you should tell them it's not yours or their place to replace an oven, if anything goes wrong with it, who will be liable?

fluffles · 24/08/2011 08:57

i think that if you put the oven into the flat then you probably have to in essence 'give' it to the landlord and leave it behind if you move on.

i rented a flat out for a while when i was looking to sell it and if the tenant had wanted to put their own oven in there is no way i could have taken out and stored the old oven and i wouldn't have agreed.

Original poster

BooBooGlass · 24/08/2011 09:01

AuntieMonica I don't think it's at all. i think they are trying to be of help practically. They know I don't go for big fancy gifts, I am far more practical than that. They live far away so I don't see them often, so I think they were trying to do something nice. It is nice. My reaction wasn't based on the fact it was an oven. It's not the same as getting a frying pan for Christmas .

OP posts:

fit2drop · 24/08/2011 10:02

You have lovely thoughtful parents.

You have a very good landlord (IME landlords are not all so willing to do repairs so easily) so having a good relationship with him is great.

Explain to them all your dilemma , they are good people , they will understand and between you all you may be able to come to an agreement.
Maybe "if" you leave the cooker stays, therefore the landlord will be responsible for any maintanance. You say you have no intention of leaving so at least this way, the landlord pays maintenance but would not feel "used" as on paper the cooker remains his but reality is its yours to use.

Oh Lord Im waffling , I know what I mean

aldiwhore · 24/08/2011 10:05

I'd speak to your landlord and explain the situation without using too many words. I don't see why he'd mind you installing a new oven (if it fits in the 'gap' withut more bills for him) especially if you've been there years, its not going to cost him anything after all.

Original poster

BooBooGlass · 24/08/2011 10:08

The thing is aldi, I don't want my parents paying for something which essentially I won't be taking with me when (if) I leave. I've never had a flat without a cooker already there tbh. They are good people and I know they understand why I'm having difficulty just saying yes. I just so wish they'd asked me before spending so much money. I am going to call them in a minue and say I can't accept it. I feel awful :(

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 24/08/2011 10:17

They wo'nt be giving you an oven, they'll be giving your Landlord an oven. It's not your flat, you are renting it, if the oven goes wrong, you'll be liable to fix it. I'd tell them your land lord said no. (And if your old oven stops working, your landlord will have to repair or replace it, so it's not like it's a problem for you long term)

They should be able to get a refund, or at least currys vouchers for the value, you can then spend that money on portable appliances you can take with you if you move (new TV?).

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 24/08/2011 10:20

Oh I now have visions of an old couple, dressed in brown. Shuffling around all the shops until the perfect one. I can hear them now

'oooohhhh, I think she'll love this one Gerald '

'Now hilda, it 's too expensive, we'll have to share one tin of spam this week instead of two'

'nothings too good for violet though Gerald, she's so proud of her new kitchen'

They then shuffle off to scrape the money together for young surprise.

I think I may be a wee bit hormental.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 24/08/2011 10:20

Ahem, your BIG surprise

Original poster

BooBooGlass · 24/08/2011 10:24

No no Apocalypse, my mum was a child bride, she's barely 50 . I know they can afford it, and I know they meant it well. But yes, it's my landlord who would ultimately benefit. My oven is fine. If it blows up, it's my landlords problem and I'd get a new one anyway. I bloody hope they won't get just vouchers back though Since it's not being delivered next week surely they can jst refund it??

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 24/08/2011 10:29

You will have to start by speaking to the landlord. Then consider if he says that it is your responsibility to get it fixed, would you be able to do that, or afford the insurance on it. Although it is a lovely gesture it may leave you without an oven, should anything go wrong.

They should be able to get a refund as it hasn't left the warehouse.

bemybebe · 24/08/2011 10:38

I would be honest with the parents and refuse to take it in the nicest possible way ('landlord said "NO' sounds like a perfectly good one).

bemybebe · 24/08/2011 10:38

(OR 'landlord said "NO' sounds like a perfectly good one).

OhBuggerandArse · 24/08/2011 10:44

I think there might be legal issues for the landlord anyway - I may be wrong but I think landlords' responsibilities to provide and maintain cooking facilities are different from those re. other appliances, and it might leave him/her in a dodgy position if the cooker doesn't belong to him.

Thepoweroforangeknickers · 24/08/2011 10:52

It's a lovely thought from your parents although it is going to cause issues isn't it. Why don't you speak to your landlord and see if he would pay half of it - in the understanding that it will then become his (& his responsibility in the future). Then you'll have £150 to spend on portable items as someone above has suggested.

I've rented places and on a couple of occasions bought a large-ish piece of kitchen equipment. On leaving I asked the landlord if they wanted it for half price and they did.

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