to feel really pissed off that my DM is treating DS like a child?

[littlemisssarcastic]

Don't want to give too much away because don't want to be outed, so apologies in advance.

DS lives with my DM. He works full time. He takes home about £1K a month. DM is a pensioner. She has asked him for £200 a month.
Out of this, she drives him to and from work (35 mile round trip every day), provides all of his meals and the roof over his head.
As well as this, she wakes him in the morning for work, cooks him a breakfast, makes him a packed lunch, does all of his washing/ironing and even cleans his bloody bedroom. She doesn't ask him to lift a finger to help, and he doesn't offer to. (He never offered at mine either but I would ask him to.)
No matter what I say, about how she should charge him more or get him to help out in the house, it turns into an argument, because DM doesn't want DS to be unhappy, apparently at any cost.
Whatever money DS has left over goes on smoking/drinking/nights out. DM complains loud and long about this, over and over again, but wont change anything in case DS gets in a mood, so basically, she just complains and complains to me.

I have suggested charging DS more so he has less disposable income to spend on drinking, but DM wont do this in case DS gets in a bad mood with her.
I have explained to DM that she is not doing DS any favours by doing everything for him, her health is not good and he needs to help. She says she doesn't mind and likes to mollycoddle look after him.

I have spoken to DS, but he says when he speaks to DM, she is fine with it as it is. (DM tells me that she tells DS she is okay with it) but she complains about him to me incessantly.

I don't think she is doing DS any favours at all, that he wont be able to look after himself if she always does it all for him. When he was at home, he had to help out, do his own ironing, and pay his way. DM said I was being unfair on him and offered him a place to stay but also agreed to make sure he continued helping out. He went and within 2 weeks, she was waiting on him hand and foot. She even refers to him as His highness.

It is so stupid, it is bloody ridiculous!!! I am so frustrated with DM. At the end of one of her particularly long rants about DS and how lazy/selfish he is, I suggested she asked him to help, but oh no, that might upset him. Ok I replied, ask him to leave then. Oh no, she can't contemplate that, he can't look after himself.

I don't want DS to disrespect DM or any woman like this, but whatever I suggest seems to fall on deaf ears, and while DS is happy to live like this, it's not good for him imo.

AIBU to be pissed off with hearing her complaints over and over about something she is not prepared to try to change???

YANBU. Can't you arrange to sit down with the three of you and discuss this. If you're there it will be harder for her to back down if you're there.

I'm not sure what you did for him but the only thing my parents did for us as young adults was my Mum cooked dinner as she worked part time. We had to do our own washing and ironing from the age of 16 and had been responsible for our rooms since children. I'll do the same for my children and I certainly won't be getting them breakfast (don't do that now) or driving them to work.

Regarding the spending of his leftover money, I think that's up to him. He's young and wants to enjoy himself and I can't see the harm in it for now.

I would be pissed off too. But there's really nothing you can do. He's an adult, he's living with her, she is making the choice to let him walk all over her, he is happy to walk all over her.

Sad situation and I'm sure you're not very proud of him for the way he is taking advantage of an old lady's love for him, but unless she isn't capable of making her own choices, you're impotent.

I think, really, that what you have to say now - next time she starts to moan - is "Stop. We have had this conversation so many times. You are not willing to do anything to change it, so I don't want to hear your complaints. Either put up or shut up."

I realise that sounds very harsh - but she wants to moan about how he is but isn't willing to do any of the many things she could do to change the situation. The pointlessness of this needs to be made clear to her.

And he needs a hefty dose of boot up his arse!

When DS lived at home, he would cook for himself, help with the housework, and keep his own room clean. Anything that he did to help me, he needed asking to do, yes, but I thought it was responsible parenting to make sure your DC can cope on their own if need be.

Since he has gone to live at DM's, DM thinks he has reverted back to a helpless man child and needs help with lots of things that he didn't need help with before. DM even reminds him to have a shower!!! and gives me detailed account of when he last showered/brushed teeth/had a poo, I kid you not. It's almost like she is obsessed with him.(Hacking his FB and MSN and admitting to me she had done this to find out what he is up to because he doesn't tell her, and when she rang his friends, he got angry gives you some idea of how she fills her life with what DS is doing.) When we all have dinner, and DS goes to the toilet afterwards, she will always always comment and tell me there he goes off to do a poo . I have told her I'm not interested in DS's ablutions, but it still happens.

I was when she said she cleans and tidies his bedroom and makes his bed. She also buys all of his grooming products (because DS apparently isn't capable of going to a shop to buy them.)

I have spoken to them both together, and DM just sits there and tells me to leave it, then moans about it later when DS is not there.

As for the drinking/smoking/nights out with the remainder of his money, I think he works hard and should be able to enjoy himself, but I also think that £200 a week on drinking/smoking and nights out is excessive, when it leaves him with nothing, so no savings etc.

DM complains about lots of things about DS, but tbh, I am sick of hearing it.
If I say I don't want to hear it, she gets all defensive and very sarcastic, ie: Maybe you'd like to see him doing all of my housework and giving me all of his money so he had no life at all so his life is horrible. which is not the case at all!!

Personally, I think DM is lonely and desperate for DS to stay there so does whatever it takes to keep him there.
I just don't see how this is preparing him for living independently though??
He will end up having no idea how to budget, let alone cook and clean for himself, all because DM insists on indulging him now to the extent she does.

It sounds as if your DM is one of the many women who have a gaping hole in their lives and love to fill it by adopting the martyr role - running around after a man or child and then complaining about how much work it generates!

Bonsoir That is exactly what is happening!! DM has been divorced a long time now, has precious few friends and has retired. DS is her hobby for want of a better word.

How do you deal with someone like this Bonsoir?

he likes her waiting on him hand and foot

she likes waiting on him hand and foot

leave them to it

I think that you need, with a bit of tact and humour, to point out to her what she is doing. Maybe she should get a dog/cat/voluntary job to reduce her reliance on running around after your DS?

Just tell her to quit moaning to you about it - as others have said, she's decided to be a martyr and that's her choice. But you don't have to listen.

"Maybe you'd like to see him doing all of my housework and giving me all of his money so he had no life at all so his life is horrible."

NO - I just want you to treat him like an adult, not a child. Definitely Mary the Martyr and possessive.

Presumably if he's out and earning then he's an adult? And he obviously likes the set up otherwise he'd change it. So YABU. It's between the pair of them, let them get on with it. Without wishing to be harsh, if he's an adult and living independantly....sort of, then your job is done. How he lives is up to him and it's not all your DM's fault.

How old is he?

Get your dm a boyfriend. Hearing two oldies rattling the bedposts will have ds heading for his own place v quickly.

Myself, as well as other members of the family have suggested getting a dog/voluntary work/a boyfriend, but DM doesn't want to do that, she just wants DS to appreciate her more and spend more time with her.

He is 20 btw, and she doesn't trust men at all. She has low self esteem and thinks all men are only after one thing. She has been asked out on dates, but refused because they were obviously just trying to laugh at her expense.

Of course YANBU to be pissed off, but as others have said, they are both adults, and you have to leave them to it.

One thing that comes across from your posts is that you are concerned DS is "going backwards" in terms of life skills because he is getting everything done at the moment by your DM. The thing is, you have taught him those things, and he won't "unlearn" them just because DM is currently waiting on him hand and foot. Hopefully he will realise at some point that this practical help comes with emotional ties, and will want to stand on his own two feet.