to have absolutely no idea what to do :(

[StrawberryTot]

Sorry to post in AIBU but i really am struggling and need advice!!!

So the back story my 2.8 year old DS has thankfully always been a good sleeper apart from when he was a newborn but we won't go into that putting him in bed with a story, kisses quick cuddles and leave was a doddle and he slept althrough the night until recently :(

Now he screams when going in his room, when i get him in and start reading he settles but as soon as i leave he starts screaming again, if i put off going to him for a couple of minutes he settles to sleep but he now wakes in the night and screams non stop :( I have tried comforting/ cuddling/ kissing as well as reading to settle him this works till i leave again, i've tried control crying, as well as super nanny's advice of not talking to them and putting them back in bed. However this just doesn't seem to work as i was up till half 5 this morning doing this.

At one point he did say he was scared of the aliens in his bedroom so my DP and I got the hoover and sucked them all up and threw them out the window, DS now says they have gone but still cries.

My relationship with my DS has been a very difficult one and whilst dropping him off at nursery I found myself crying wondering what the f*ck i've done wrong.

So aibu as to have no idea what else to do?

Sorry for the long openning post :(

Good on you kangers - you clearly have a good relationship with your DS.

Yoiu haven't read the posts nosexplease.

I have posted the link on previous post up the trad for OP, these are classic night terrors, unfortunately, no amount of milk, night light, dreams catchers will sort those out, majority of children are not even aware nor awake.
Night terrors need to be prevented, by waking the child up very gently with gentle cuddles, stroking the hair and kisses until child comes around and looks at you in awake state, 15 minutes before night terror strike, therefore you need to know approx. time of each strike.
Upon waking the child up, cover him and snuggle him again, repeat as necessary, consecutive nights at the same time.

You've done nothing wrong OP, stop beating yourself up so much. The thing is, nothing you do at the minute will alleviate your boy's fears, and to him, those scary things that cast shadows, squeaking floorboards, monster under the bed, in the wardrobe etc etc are very real fears to him. So no amounts of hot milk, night lights, controlled crying etc are going to help.

At this stage in his development, he's become acutely aware of the world around him - how precious things are but on the flip side, how potentially dangerous and how scary things are too. Most little one's will start the irrational fear thing at this age now. I remember will all my children, having to comfort them in different ways until they were able to rationalize things for themselves:-

DC1 - baseball bat was wielded and I threatened all beasties with a bashing so they 'left home'
DC2 - I remember spending ages every bed time explaining EVERY shadow that was cast in her room; often returning at every call to explain another shadow that she'd spotted whilst I was away from her.
DC3 - I've only now stopped staying with her until she falls asleep because she was too scared on her own.

It's frustrating, but your son WILL grow past this, just as soon as he is able to rationalize the world around him. Remember that his fears won't last forever providing you recognize his anxiety and deal with them properly now; record any tv programmes that you really want to see, and stay with him as long as he needs you. This stage, as all others do, will pass.

Oops, sorry for any x-posting. Am an extremely slooooow typer

Loonytoonie thanks for the advice and your experiences as all the ones that i have read make me feel like i'm not the only one. Although ca i ask how your older DC have reacted to the younger one as my DD (5) is curled up on the sofa at the minute as she can't sleep with her having the bedroom next to her brother.

I have just dug out an extra night light for him so hopefully this will help him settle as since he went to bed at half 7 i've been up and down. Just to confirm though my DS having a nightlight doesn't bother me as I had one as a child and i have never had any issues with the dark if anything the darker the better.

OP
Sorry this is happening. You could be writing about my DD2 here.
The HV told me about night terrors and they are terrifying, for both you and the child. My DH once witnessed 1 and apologised as he thought I had been exaggerating how traumatic it is. She also screamed for about 2 years(!) when leaving her at nursery and then at school. Before the holidays she was happily skipping in.
I let her come ino my bed for cuddles and placed her back into her bed when her breathing had slowed down and was that deep breathing they do when they are asleep. Please listen to everyone here. You havent done anything wrong. Good luck and be kind to yourself - you need sleep too!

BTW the poster who said there is something wrong with the 16yr old boy getting into the parents bed - what a load of crap! I thought "how lovely - the poster has done a good job with that boy - he seems well adjusted and close to his mum!!" Its not pervy or dodgy!

notahappycamper i'm so sorry to hear of your experiences, thank you for the advice hopefully you have successfully passed this stage if not good luck :) i cuddle my DS as you say as he does the quick and heavy breathing when he is distressed. the sleep thing is getting to me so much so that at times i have resorted to sleeping in his toddler bed in order to get any, it may be uncomfortable but at least i got some.

Once again thanks to all, the advice and experiences shared have helped to lift my spirits as i can now see that i'm not alone and that there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel.

Oh dear, it's so difficult when a good sleeper stops being one - you're so unprepared for the sleep deprivation!

I'm sorry you've had previous trouble with your relationship with your DS - was it PND? Parenthood is tricky enough without a previous issue clouding all our judgements. It sounds like you're doing all the right things, and have been given good advice by other posters.

What I really wanted to bring up, though, was the two posters apparently horrified at the idea of a 16yo coming into his parents bed for a cuddle. How very that you put an age limit on cuddles in bed. I still get in bed for a cuddle with my DM at the ripe old age of 37. My DDs will always be welcome in our bed if they need a cuddle, as would my DS if I had one.

Annie - I never said anything about being horrified. Where did you trawl that up from. I said it would bother me. And that this was just me.

And kangers came on and said her DS did not "cuddle" - he was cold.

I then said she obviously had a good relationship with her DS.

I am older than a lot of posters on here - a 16 yr old coming into your bed would have been quiet odd in my generation. And I expressed that.

my son did the same so we intalled a dimmer switch in his room so that he could have a low level of light in his room also he slept with one of my well worn t shirts so he could have my scent . you have done nothing wrong and it is something they all do as soon as you hear him murmuring for the first time get in and do the cuddles as the episode is better nipped in the bud . have you tried lavender oil on his bed linen and camomile tea through the day to drink (lovely with honey) . also ask the nursery staff if their is anything worrying him there

Salmon - the 'horrified' part referred more to nosexpleaseimpregnant, who said it was 'plain wrong'. But I am confused about how you could say you would have found it weird, but then pulled nosex up on a similar comment. I didn't make the connection between your different posts (I rarely look at poster names) because of this confusing contradiction.

AnnieLobeseder thanks for the reassurrance and yes it was prenatal and postnatal depression, i'm still working on the trying not to blame everything on the past.

devonshiredumpling i love the dimmer switch idea i never even thought of that, thankfully DP's dad is an electrician so will get on that tomorrow. Thanks. I have spoke to the nursery as he has been playing up recently when being dropped off.

the great thing about the dimmer switch is the fact you can see what you are doing and do not step on anything your little buggers darlings have on the floor

Just noticed your second post Annie - I didn't "pull up" nosexplease.
I pointed out that she/he hadn't read all the posts.

I pointed it out to convey that I had commented and that kangers had answered, then I replied.

I did not at any point contradict myself.

StrawberryTot - I'm glad that others' experiences have reassured you - you are most certainly NOT alone on this so please don't over-think this one. It's not related to your being poorly when he was tiny AT ALL . Plus, as AnnieLobeseder said, nothing really prepares you for the shock of a good sleeper turning suddenly into a bad sleeper so I can imagine that this is a tough stage for you all.

I don't think your son is having night terrors tbh. The way you describe it certainly suggests fears on a conscious and 'awake' level. Night terrors are certainly full on but even if the child is seemingly awake and alert, there is a level of unconsciousness. Night terrors are also rather frightening for parents too when they experience it for the first time and it's made doubly frightening because you're not able to do anything about it. With your son though, I really do think that this is a 'normal' stage for all children; and when I say normal, I do not mean easy, by any means. It's exhausting and very trying on the patience, but persevere with reassuring your son, and he WILL get through it.

You ask about other children - my eldest is a lot older than the younger two (17 years between the oldest and middle one lol) so was probably saner than I when we went through these trying phases. But DC2 is 5 and DC3 is now 3 and even though they are very close and play extremely well together as a rule, DC2 was very intolerant of DC3 when they were needy and noisy at night. Just tell yourself that everyone needs their sleep and if they need to be kept apart at night, whilst you all ride out this phase, then so be it. We all get exhausted and tired and bed-time is a time for re-charging the batteries and getting a bit of peace and quiet. Your 5 year old doesn't understand about child development and stage of development (and why should they lol) so any disruption to their precious sleep is going to annoy. Give them the space they need.

In the meantime, try the night lights, dimmer lights, soothing music, staying with him, baseball bats (!), explaining the shadows - basically whatever it takes to equip him with the tools he needs to be able to make sense of his little world, warts and all. In the meantime, give yourself a break too eh? Whatever happened in the past, is in the past. You sound like a lovely Mum. Have a wee bit more faith in yourself now.

Thanks Loonytoonie it makes me feel a bit better :)

Can I please ask that all those that have experienced this how long this stage lasted as i just don't see an end to it at the minute and i'm starting to panic as i start back at uni/ work in september. i'm functioning off 3 - 5 hours shitty broken sleep and it's really starting to get me down :(

All my 3 DS's have had night terrors. They would roughly occur between 2-4 times per week. The older two seemed to grow out of them around age 5-6 (they did lessen in frequency as they got older too). My youngest is 4 and he still has them a couple of times a week.

They are often prevelant in children that have neurological conditions. My boys have various combinations of ASD/ADHD/Dyslexia. This is probably not relevant to your DS but I thought I would mention it (not suggesting your son has any of these things- NT children can have night terrors too).

I just tend to ride it out until he calms down. I usually find moving to another room, giving him a drink or taking him to the toilet sometimes wakes him enough to settle back down