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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to approach this gossiping bint!

47 replies

scuzy · 23/08/2011 10:50

ok a bit of background ... i have a full time job and a partner and wonderful son. i do well in my job but since ds was 4 months i have suffered from pnd which turned into a more long term depression with relationship/family/financial problems. i went from 3 certified sick days last year to since february this year being off work for a few weeks on end. i can hide it sooo well. i am a bubbly fun loving person in work but when i get down i can barely get out of bed.

anyways am just back in work after being off a week as i am trying to wean down on strong tabs with doc's help and even though so far so good the withdrawals are awful and knock me for 6.

was in the cubicle loo earlier and heard two colleagues that i am pretty friendly with talking about me. saying what she out for, nothing wrong with her, she probably goes in "and flashes the boobs" or "turn on water works" to get certs. one said she thought i was pregnant at the beginning but would be showing more by now if i was. and not fair on the rest of them working day in and day out and me on certs still getting paid.

i have been with my gp for years and has been so understanding and i talk to him like a therapist and he offers the certs. i refuse to take as much time off as he offers but he is the one saying i need it and i'm no good to anyone else like my son if i dont mind myself and that i'm doing well just in a bad patch etc.

i waited in cubicle til they left but am so mad now. its none of their business. should i approach them? i can feel the tears pricking my eyes at my desk here with upset and anger.

OP posts:

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 11:27

GrumpyKat25 is right. An internal memo would be a less confrontational way to deal with it, with less potential for any negative comeback. They deserve to be dealt with individually but you have a lot on your plate as it is at the moment. It might be better to do it that way. I'd still name them and mention the maintaining your confidentiality to your boss.

SDTGisAnEvilGenius · 23/08/2011 11:31

I don't think that you need to tell them about your depression in order to let them know how out of order their gossip was.

Simply walk up to them, in front of as many of your colleages as possible, and say loud and clearly, "The next time you want to backstab and gossip about a colleague in the toilets, it would be sensible to ensure that she isn't in one of the cubicles, listening to every nasty word you say."

Then walk off, happy in the knowledge that everyone will know what petty-minded gossips they are.

Smellslikecatpee · 23/08/2011 11:31

I second the HR approach.

I was in a mildly same-ish situation, I was about to be started on a course of treatment that I knew from experience caused side effects that I did not want to be in the office for, and no way I could work through.(have option to work from home)

I went to OccHealth and HR and explained the situation and they were more than helpful. They felt that this was a form of bullying and did a general reminder of SOP's re:bullying etc.

You should NOT in any situation feel that you need to explain yourself to these people, if they are heartless/stupid to say what they did they will not have the manners to be understanding/sympathic.

Sod them!!!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 23/08/2011 11:33

Oh yes, and you don't need to go into detail about your health to HR/management, and they should not give any details if they mention you to staff. Just that you are under medical care and are on and off sick leave for a medical condition is plenty for anyone at work to know.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 23/08/2011 11:40

OP, please go to HR and report this. Their behaviour is in part contributing to your mental state going forward and HR need to stamp out this nasty behaviour.

NorfolkBroad · 23/08/2011 11:47

I agree with Shouty Hamster, this way you can keep calm and they will "dealt" with and will feel the appropriate level of embarrassment and shame. horrible. They are just VERY fortunate to never have had to endure anything like this themselves. Big hugs to you.

featherbag · 23/08/2011 11:50

I'd go with creamola and next time one of them speaks to you, answer politely then tack on to the end ' oh, by the way, it might be best to check the cubicles in the loos before you start gossiping about someone...'

Original poster

scuzy · 23/08/2011 11:53

oh guys wait til ye hear this ... i got inspiration from you all and went down to canteen to make a cuppa and bring back to my desk. these two were down there still having their break and called me over to tell me about someone else who's dp wrote off his car so what he owed on it would be wiped clean. i said "to be honest i dont want to hear it, perhaps wait til i'm in the loo again and i can over hear your bitchin" and walked away.

was shaking and soooo glad i did it. am quite proud of myself i never say stuff like that. i didnt stay around to see their faces but there was silence. i dont care what they say now. they got the message.

i dont think i will approach HR or supervisor i dont want all that hassle. i feel good now after that and phoned dp to tell him. he was so proud of me! lol

thanks again guys! mner's rock!

OP posts:

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 11:53

And I would never wish depression on anyone. So I too hope they get piles.

InstantAtom · 23/08/2011 11:55

Yes, I would say something calmly to their face - each one individually so each thinks it was the other one who told you, or wonders who else heard them in the loo! Don't tell them how you know, let them wonder.

Practise saying this...

"I've heard that you've been complaining with X about the time I've had off work, saying I must have been turning on the waterworks or flashing my boobs to get time off. I'd like you to stop gossiping when you don't know any of the facts about why I need time off because it's really none of your business".

Then wait for the expression and calmly walk away.

Original poster

scuzy · 23/08/2011 11:55

well if they spend as much time ON the loo as they do IN it evenlessnarkypuffin i'd say piles are inevitable!!

OP posts:

InstantAtom · 23/08/2011 11:55

Cross-posted with you OP... well done!!

ebbandflow · 23/08/2011 11:59

Well done-I hope they apologise to you.

DontGoCurly · 23/08/2011 12:00

Good for you OP.

Bloody delighted for you.

I suffer from depression and had similar for years in work even though I never took any time off for it. (WHICH I REGRET)

Do not tell them the reason to shame them. They will use it against you. Trust me.

Depression is a proper illness like any other, don't you feel one bit bad for taking the time you need. The alternative is a breakdown.

Masking is all well and good, totally necessary but do not be intimidated into telling them about your illness or not taking off the time you need

Best of luck. Ignore the offics c**ts!

ObiWan · 23/08/2011 12:03

Ha ha - well done! It's the sort of thing I always wish I'd done after the moment has passed

Original poster

scuzy · 23/08/2011 12:03

thanks guys!! i do feel so much better. this place feels like an american high school at times like you see on the films (mean girls etc). us women are such bitches when we want to be. has also made me think alot more about gossip and that i myself should be careful what i say.

OP posts:

ImeldaM · 23/08/2011 12:09

Well done, good advice from Bosco though, but understand your viewpoint & good point fom DontgoCurly too.
They perhaps will never understand. Depression is so hard.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 23/08/2011 12:13

Well DONE, OP!

TBH though, I think telling HR could still be a good idea ? as someone else said, the bitching or even just an 'atmosphere' at work could affect your health, and no one wants that. Also, it'd be good to have this stuff on record.

WilsonFrickett · 23/08/2011 14:03

OMG I can't believe you did that! Well done OP!!!!!!!!!

clam · 23/08/2011 14:14

WaHAY! Good for you! Wonder if their attitude towards you will alter now. Either they'll ignore you (embarrassed), apologise (hope so) or be terribly nice (yuk).

And for the record, I thought if you wrote off a car that was still on HP, you still had to pay the premiums. Happened to a friend of mine - new car, someone smashed into her, insurance co. valued it v. low and she had to pay the difference to pay off the loan.

EssexGurl · 23/08/2011 14:23

I used to work in HR and would often advise people who were off with depression / stress to let their manager/HR talk to their colleagues and let them know what was happening. Or tell them when they came back to work. It is a sad fact of life that mental health issues are hidden and not discussed openly especially in an office environment. However, if colleagues don't know the situation, then of course there is going to be gossip when someone is off. Particularly as with MH there are likely to be ongoing absences, rather than a block, for say a broken leg. You say you have spoken to your line manager. Could you approach them and explain the situation and ask their advice about how to approach this? Maybe have a chat with these women with him/her present and explain what is happening.

This is a horrible situation for you and I do sympathise, but maybe let some others in on what is happening to get you the support you need.

kickassangel · 23/08/2011 14:23

any chance you could speak to your manager - ask her to tell people that your illness is very much real, that you have an excellent track record, and that gossiping about a person't illness is certainly not part of their job, and should never take place on site?

perhaps if she said that one time when you weren't there, and give it time to sink in?

tbh, if they spend huge amounts of time hanging around & gossiping, are they that productive?

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