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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm sorry but...

46 replies

GeneralCustardsHardHat · 22/08/2011 20:11

AIBU to really loathe, dislike and despise "I'm sorry but..."? If you are sorry drop the but, and just say you're sorry, don't excuse your behaviour because then you're not apologising you're just being a twat.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

GeneralCustardsHardHat · 22/08/2011 20:30

Why are you apologising for it though? with regards point a. is that for your own peace of mind and with regards point b. they won't hear the 'sorry' if it's followed by an insult or bad news.

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 22/08/2011 20:30

General - also you are apologising for any upset caused, not for the thing you have done.

I think there are instances when it is appropriate to use the phrase.

I will agree that it is overused though.

aldiwhore · 22/08/2011 20:31

You can be sorry that you let your anger get the better of you BUT also requiring the other person to know that they made you angry.

I like the word but.

I guess you'll only use these words if you actually don't like upsetting/hurting people OR you're in the habit of it and trying to conceal the fact you're a bitch. I'm the former!!!! (I hope)

miniwedge · 22/08/2011 20:31

Yanbu but........

Happygomummy · 22/08/2011 20:31

yanbu

also

"right, don't take this the wrong way but......."

like if you say that it gives you free pass to be as rude as you like.....

takethisonehereforastart · 22/08/2011 20:32

lunaticfringe "I'm sorry that you think .......
is one that winds me up. Why not just say I'm sorry you are a nutter."

I agree. It's the politicians apology that one. An ex PM was incredibly skilled at it..."I'm sorry that you think that but...I'm sorry that you feel that but..."

Anything to put the blame on the injured party and avoid saying "I'm sorry that I did the thing that you are quite rightly upset by. Instead I'm going to apologise in a way that implies you are an oversensitive sniveller, meaning it's your own fault that you are upset and my apology therefore is not an admission of guilt on my part."

Original poster

GeneralCustardsHardHat · 22/08/2011 20:32

Surely then the apology would be better placed after the reaction?

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 22/08/2011 20:34

Because it is polite and indicates that you are not trying to be offensive.

Oakmaiden · 22/08/2011 20:35

Does it matter? Yes, you could apologise after the reaction, but using "but" in the forms we are discussing would not be a "wrong" way to achieve it.

Original poster

GeneralCustardsHardHat · 22/08/2011 20:36

But if you're making a statement of fact that is by its very nature offensive then why apologise for it if it's something you believe to be true?

I'm not one for apologising for personal opinions, i will apologise if they offend or upset and apologise for the upset but never for the opinion or statement itself.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 22/08/2011 20:37

I don't know. I said to DP the other day "I don't mean to be rude, but could you actually go and have a shower?" after discovering a dried clump of poo in his bum hair just before we were about to have sex.

Because, well, I don't think it is rude to point out that clumps of poo are not attractive and need removing. But if I'd just said "EURGH! Go and have a shower!" then it may not have been immediately obvious that I was not in fact being rude and saying he stank or something.

Original poster

GeneralCustardsHardHat · 22/08/2011 20:37

I'm just being facetious :o it's a hobby of mine :o

OP posts:

PonceyMcPonce · 22/08/2011 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oakmaiden · 22/08/2011 20:38

That is the point General - in my example you are apologising for being about to upset the listener, but not for what you are about it to....

Oakmaiden · 22/08/2011 20:39

"about it to..."?

I meant "about to say"

Pagwatch · 22/08/2011 20:42

I think my example would be 'I am sorry but, whilst very beautiful, that dress does you no favours at all' or 'I'm sorry but you were pretty rude to him/her and you probably should apologise '
So the I'm sorry reflects the fact that you are reluctantly telling them something that is not easy to hear but which they should know.

Having said that I can see that ' I am sorry but you really are a 'cunt'' would be best avoided

reelingintheyears · 22/08/2011 20:44

I'm sorry you feel that way.

DilysPrice · 22/08/2011 20:46

I use it where I am about to either make a request which I know is slightly inconvenient to the other party or decline their otherwise reasonable request.

I'm sorry, but I cannot help you move house that weekend as I have an ELCS scheduled for the Friday afternoon.

I'm sorry but would you mind giving up your seat for me, as one of my legs has just fallen off.

Pagwatch · 22/08/2011 20:49

I am starting to like ' I am sorry but you really are a cunt' more the more I think about it.

stealthsquiggle · 22/08/2011 20:50

I am with you, OP. My DB used to (probably still does) say "I'm sorry, but you're wrong" - clearly he is not sorry at all.

My DS, OTOH, says "I'm not being mean, but..." which winds me up since it is inevitably the prelude to something mean. He gets very short shrift from me.

Mumcentreplus · 22/08/2011 21:02

No disrespect but....

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