To Not Understand Why I Feel This Way - and to be desperate not to?

[RawBluntednessNeeded]

Have a beautiful DS who was born 10 months ago after 11 long years of infertility, surgery 9 times, medication, lots of heartache. Pregnancy was bloody traumatic as was birth, and I am still suffering from physical complications from EMCS, which leave me a bit fed up at times but not depressed - definately not depressed!

Amazed by DS. He is FABULOUS. I never thought I'd get him, and I am so so amazed to finally be his Mum.

But I am unbelievably sad that I will never have another pregnancy or birth - have been told it would be unlikely that I'd conceive naturally again, and that the pregnancy would be v risky, balancing risk of DS losing his mum against miniscule chance of having another baby anyway means I won't 'even' try.

I have a couple of mates who are heavily pregnant at the moment and seeing them is more difficult than when I used to see friends when struggling with infertility. I feel jealous, bitter and resentful that they are on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancies - and I hate myself for feeling like this. They would never know - I have an excellent mask and am a bloody good actress when needed. I am thier 'wonderful supportive lovely' friend as one wrote in a card to me recently after I went over to take her 2 out to the park for 4 hours with my DS so she could get some sleep - and I played with the kids and had a lovely time but really struggled with seeing her huge bump and all the newborn stuff out again, and her chatter about feeding and type of birth she wants etc.

Why am I mourning for something that was well beyond any wildest dream, when I have my wildest dream come true in DS? Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Please be gentle...! I am aeware IABU but I don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice or similar experiences. TIA.

And with you on the baby stuff - have a garage full but not keeping it dormant rational reason bar his 'memory box' stuff - but will proably bawl and thump if DH tries to remove any of it - yet anyway!

If it's any consolation I feel the same and I also feel the same when my friends tell me about their wonderful partners and go on about their mums as my mum died recently and my dds dad didn't want us. However, I think looking at the positives does help and just try and breathe through that stab of jealousy. Feeling jealous of another's pregnancy is veary natural.

I also had a c-section and wanted a natural birth.

I haven't had chance to read all of the responses yet but i just wanted to say that i am in the same boat. I had my daughter 20 months ago and due to complications during the EMCS the risks to mine and any future babies health are just too high for us to take. I have been through such a roller coaster of emotions since then but am now at the stage where i have accepted the situation as it is and love our little family. That said, all of my friends had babies at a similar time and i get a horrible lurching in my stomach when they talk about having more in the future and i'm really not sure how i will deal with it.

In a similar vein, i had a miscarriage before i had my daughter. It was quite drawn out and traumatic. After i had my daughter a friend of mine thought she was miscarrying her baby. As it turned out the baby was fine. While i was of course happy for her and would never wish a miscarriage on anyone, i am ashamed to say i did feel an odd mixture of emotions when she told me the good news and jealousy and even disappointment were in there . Why should it all turn out well for her when it didn't for me. Horrid i know but i can't control the way i felt.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable. What you are feeling is normal and expected.