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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never Invited to Brother's Birthday Drinks

17 replies

babysbreath · 20/08/2011 14:43

My DP has a brother and a sister. The reason for the post is that when it comes to either of them having, say, birthday drinks we never get invited! The DB & DS go to each others but don't ever mention it to us. DP's mother babysits so they can all go out, but even she doesn't mention it. Does DP bring it up? I think it is so awful, and really feel sorry for my DP, that he gets left out. What would you do?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 20/08/2011 14:46

Ah, the heady whiff of family dynamics!

Are the siblings older, and in a 'routine' of sorts?

Scaevola · 20/08/2011 14:46

I'd leave DP to deal with his own family dynamics, but be a supporting presence generally.

Sofabitch · 20/08/2011 14:48

You should do nothing. It's you're dp's family. If he has issues then let him sort it.

Sofabitch · 20/08/2011 14:49

Stupid auto correct it is your dp's family.

Thumbwitch · 20/08/2011 14:56

Agree - leave it to your DP to sort out - it's his family.
It's sad but there may be some underlying dynamics that you aren't aware of - is your DP upset? Or is it just you?
Perhaps get your DP to ask his mother about it as a first step.

Original poster
babysbreath · 20/08/2011 15:07

My DP is in the middle of them. DP never wants to bring it up with his siblings or mother. I think it is so unfair, they could of at least ask him, even if doesn't go. It niggles me more than him, so I find I can't be bothered with them! Which i know is not the right attitude. They never tell us anything until they have to, although my DP is very open with them, and I tell him not to, but he says two wrongs don't make a right. God families!!!!

OP posts:
LineRunner · 20/08/2011 15:13

I think they've got a routine that works for them and for some reason they have left your DP out, possibly because he hasn't joined in in the past, or maybe they are picking up that you don't appear to be bothered about them.

You say he won't ask, but then you say that he is open with them to an extent you are not happy with.

There would appear to be a lot of mixed messages here. Some emotional and literal honesty might help all round?

Hope you get it sorted out.

Takitezee · 20/08/2011 16:08

It sounds as though they just get on better together and enjoy each other's company. It's not nice for your dp but you can't force a close relationship just because you happen to be related to someboy.

Have you/your dp ever asked them to go out for a drink?

LolaRennt · 20/08/2011 16:16

I only associate with family who I would be friends with if there were no blood ties so I don't think they are BU, although I realise it might make your dp feel bad

TrillianAstra · 20/08/2011 16:27

Being related to someone and having grown up with them doesn't necessarily mean you will get on or have anything in common.

Ryma · 20/08/2011 16:33

May be you should invite them first? :)

skybluepearl · 20/08/2011 18:22

invite them first i agree

Original poster
babysbreath · 20/08/2011 19:25

We do invite them to our house for meals etc, or we go round to MIL's house, but never seem to get invited to theirs etc. I don't feel I can be bothered with them because I feel we are not really wanted or they don't think about us! So we've just got to accept it and get on with our own family.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 20/08/2011 19:27

I would have to ask. It's weird. Unless there's been family feuds or a particular reason why these siblings are closer, it's odd that your DH isn't invited.

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 19:37

I think you are the best person to deal with this, as the outsider to the family (sorry, just you're not blood related.)

Why not have a quiet word with your MIL and ask her why your DH's siblings don't invite him? You could say it upsets him. You could also ask her to tell you the truth and tell you if it's because of you.

elinorbellowed · 20/08/2011 19:41

Are you me? I am in exactly the same situation except substitute 'birthday' for 'holiday'. DP won't say anything, but he sulks.

Mowlem · 22/08/2011 14:14

We're in the same boat. My DHs family have whole family get togethers, celebrations etc and he doesn't get invited to hardly any of them. Not even events like a parent's birthday - they'll invite their other children over, but not him. I wouldn't go, but he would and on the odd occasion he has been invited, he has been alone.

He's tried (and failed) changing the situation - he used to invite family over, but invitations were not returned, he's tried talking to parents and promises are made, but soon forgotten and nothing ever changes.

Tbh, its not my family and so it doesn't bother me. They're not people I would choose to spend time with iyswim. But it does hurt DH to get left out all the time. TBh, I don't think there is anything you can do to change the situation - you either accept it and get on with it, or focus on building your own family and say sod them. I've gone for the latter approach. DH tries the former, but it still upsets him.

Good luck with it though.

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