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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stayed out all night.........

34 replies

Marriedtoachild · 20/08/2011 09:47

AIBU to say stop drinking or fuck off? I haven't got time for understanding his problem or why he does it, he's not a classic alcoholic he's just greedy and doesn't know when to stop. Even at home when we share a bottle, I get about half a glass, and I catch him opening another. We had a friend to dinner on Tuesday and they opened three bottles of wine, I had one beer.

I am no angel, I can be a PITA. My DH and I go through peaks and troughs, we've been together for 13 yrs and have 4 dcs.

Since having DCS he's given up booze a few times, loses weight and everything is dandy (well not shit).

Over the last four years he's pissed in the dcs bedrooms twice, stayed out about three times, and lied a lot. The relationship slowly deteriorates when he drinks more and he becomes more miserable and less reasonable.

Last night he heard that a few work colleagues, all single no kids, were at a friends house and he decided to try and create an argument with me so he could storm out and go. It was really obvious and so I didn't rise. He then had an argument with me, despite me not really saying anything and him just willfully misinterpreting everything,and left our house at 11.30pm and didn't return.

He's come home with a bruise on his face where he was sick and didn't know that he wasn't at home when I called to wake him.

I am so fucked off.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 20/08/2011 09:52

Tell him firmly that he either changes his behaviour or he fucks off, he sounds no good for no one in the state he gets in, certainly sounds selfish.

PhilipJFry · 20/08/2011 09:55

He has issues with alcohol and you wouldn't be unreasonable at all to sit him down and let him know he needs to sort it out. You sound like you're at the end of your tether and it's not right that you and I assume your children have to suffer because of it.

Trying to manipulate you into getting into an argument so he can storm out and drink is absolutely disgusting. You do not have to put up with that.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 09:56

I'd get rid tbh. It would be a straight forward choice for me - give up alcohol or leave. your dc deserve better than a man who pisses in their bedrooms because he is a drunk.

Jemma1111 · 20/08/2011 09:58

I feel sorry for your poor kids

marriedinwhite · 20/08/2011 09:59

How will you feel if he says fine, I'm not changing, I'll go?

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 10:00

He sounds horrible. You're right - he does sound greedy. If the bottle's open, does he not think you might like more than half a glass? The fact that you don't down it in one doesn't mean you might not like a bit more later.

The way he started that fight was really awful. Good for you for not rising to it.

I don't think he'll stop drinking. No matter what he promises now, he's enjoying it too much to stop.

I would have left him the first time he used your child's bedroom as a toilet. That would have been enough for me. Needless to say, now I would have had more than enough and he'd have to go.

puzzlesum · 20/08/2011 10:05

"he's not a classic alcoholic he's just greedy and doesn't know when to stop."

No, I'd say he was a classic alcoholic. Being able to give up for periods of time doesn't mean he isn't. I would talk to Al-Anon. He can't be helped if he won't admit he has a problem, so I think you need to think about your own and your children's wellbeing first.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 20/08/2011 10:06

I opened this ready to say YABU imagining it to be a one off. It isn't so YANBU to want a better life, free of alcohol and manipulation.
Good luck.

gapants · 20/08/2011 10:10

what a shame for you. YANBU. He is being selfish and alcohol is ruling his life, it comes first. he needs to see that, and if he cant then he is out the door.

bonnieslilsister · 20/08/2011 10:13

Sounds as though even when he is not drinking the best it gets is that "it's not shit" Sad for you, you deserve better but having 4 kids it must be hard to take that step.....even having time to think about what you really want must be hard.

Original poster
Marriedtoachild · 20/08/2011 10:16

He's in the morning after "I'm so sorry" phase....it won't last. I am going to ban alcohol from the house which, selfishly, is a shame because I do like the occasional ice cold beer. Oh well losing a few pounds never goes amiss and I have been drinking more than ever.....everyday myself. It's a lot easier to join in!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Marriedtoachild · 20/08/2011 10:17

I've been toying with an exit plan for years!! I also am a SAHM with ideas.....dc4 is just about to start doing a couple of afternoons at a pre school, although he's 2 and so for the first time in 10 years I have spare time during the day!!

OP posts:
G1nger · 20/08/2011 10:21

He is an alcoholic. A good friend of mine also has no 'off switch' when it comes to alcohol - she can't have just one glass. She has been trying to get help with it, and explains it to me in the following terms: most people's bodies say to them 'that's it, you've had enough' after a reasonable amount of alcohol. But some people's threshold where this message kicks in is much higher and they can go on and on and on without getting it.

Your partner is an alcoholic, by the sounds of it, and does need help.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 20/08/2011 10:22

OH dear. I do feel for you. Your name says it all, doesn't it? (I sympathise, but in different ways!)

Are you ready for this leap - do you really want him to leave? IF that's what this is about, it's not about the one incident, I guess?

Decide if you're ready - you're in no hurry, I guess... and then sit down and ask him.

But be ready. You feel atm like you're in control and calling the shots. If you go through with it and ask him to leave, he may react in a different way that you expect and have different routes/options to those you think of and anticipate. Be ready to lose control a bit.

Good luck. He sounds wearisome.

puzzlesum · 20/08/2011 10:24

Depends what you want to achieve but I doubt banning alcohol will make him see the error of his ways. In my case, it would have made me drink more, to be honest. As part of a supportive plan to help him deal with his problem it would be a sensible course of action.

ShoutyHamster · 20/08/2011 10:44

He sounds a big fat pain in the ass, alcoholic or not. Have you told him that his 'technique' for getting to go out to play was pathetic, as clear as daylight and succeeded not only in getting him out with his little friends, but also hacking off yet another big chunk of your respect for him?

He does sound like an alcoholic, but a particularly fucking irritating one. Yes I'd give him an ultimatum if you're at the stage of planning your exit anyway - you only get one life, I'd be bitter at sacrificing the joy of it to a tit like this. marriedinwhite says 'How will you feel if he says fine, I'm not changing, I'll go?' - I think from your subsequent posts you'd feel shocked, initially hurt, sad and angry, take time to adjust, and then move on to a far, far better, happier life in, ooh, about 18 months? Not bad really.

QuintessentialShadow · 20/08/2011 10:49

He does sound like an alcoholic. Sorry. And manipulative to the boot.

Do you really think he can be helped?

Whatmeworry · 20/08/2011 10:51

He probably is an alcoholic or on the way there, so you probably will have to start planning an exit route if he doesn't get help. I'd probably use this time now as an opportunity to say "you have a problem, get it sorted" while taking advice and preparing to chuck him down the line.

Original poster
Marriedtoachild · 20/08/2011 10:53

He's very much an all or nothing and can stop.....he'll just have to not fogive himself and start again.

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 20/08/2011 11:04

YANBU, I would be furious Angry
agree with shoutyhamster give him an ultimatum, and mean it or he will never change

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 20/08/2011 12:03

This sort of thing indirectly contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. Eventually I decided to stop caring and let him do what he wanted as long as I/DS never saw the consequences. As a consequence he would disappear from saturday evening to sunday evening and family time became nothing. I also decided to have my social life completely separate from him and we became very disconnected and resentful of each other. He also wasted £££££££££ of money and although he's currently ina no-drinking phase and full of 'insights' I don't trust it to last. There is no trust and no future with a man who behaves like this.

I might also add that I can be a terrible binge drinker and have done some awful things when drunk. I'd have liked us to be an alcohol in moderation couple but I got no support in that, so we became a 'getting hammered separately and fuck the consequences' couple. I'm now making myself an alcohol in moderation person for my own reasons, but the relationship no longer factors :(

DogsBestFriend · 20/08/2011 12:07

Why did you allow him to piss in your children's bedrooms twice?

Once would have been unpreventable. Why allow him to stick around to do it again?

I just don't understand women who put up with this sort of crap. To piss in my bedroom would have been near unforgivable, but in my children's?

The man has no respect for you or your children. I would have got shot of him a long time ago.

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 12:14

It's usually when the children's bedrooms are nearest the bathroom, DogsBestFriend and the stupid bastard is so drunk he can't tell which is which.

But you're right - once would be enough for me. Never again.

fatlazymummy · 20/08/2011 12:26

Sorry but he is an alcoholic. It's also worrying that you have been drinking more yourself. Misery loves company.
Please, think of your children. They deserve better than this.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 20/08/2011 12:27

You do not need this pathetic, inadequate twat in your life. If you're ready to carry it through then give him the ultimatum.

ShoutyHamster "I think from your subsequent posts you'd feel shocked, initially hurt, sad and angry, take time to adjust, and then move on to a far, far better, happier life in, ooh, about 18 months? Not bad really."

I agree with this. Yes, you would feel shocked and hurt initially but you sound really strong, as if you've already moved so far down the line. Once you've moved past the initial stage you'd probably be far happier than you are now.

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