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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I ask for child maintenance?

40 replies

Shouldiask · 20/08/2011 09:28

I am a father with 2 sons, and they live with me.

I've never asked for any child maintenance as it just felt wrong asking for money from their mother.

Looking back now this seems pretty sexist on my behalf, money is getting a bit tight, I've looked at the CSA website and I could get 20% of her salary to help pay for the children's costs.

If I ask for this it would put her in financial trouble. She'd probably end up living back at her parents house.

So would I be unreasonable to ask for child maintenance?

OP posts:

TartyMcFarty · 20/08/2011 14:58

Of course YANBU. Are you 'researching'?

HeIsSpartacus · 20/08/2011 15:00

Of course you should OP - it's for your DC

signothetimes · 20/08/2011 15:00

Shouldiask, if you ask her, and come to a private agreement, the amount you'll receive would be entirely down to your negotiations and what you both agree is appropriate, given all the circumstances. You can obviously base figures, and your starting point, on CSA, knowing that would be your fall back position if your ex point blank refused to contribute anything at all. If I was in your ex's shoes, and my ex hadn't asked me to contribute, or refused my offer to contribute, I'd be putting money aside from my kids, for their future. If your ex is not doing that anyway, given that she isn't actually contributing towards her own kids' upbringing despite working, then any 'shock' she has about having to part with as much as £380 per month, is entirely her own doing. Kids don't come free.

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 15:02

Are you a lot better off than your ex? Do you now have a new partner who she thinks should contribute instead of her?

Sofabitch · 20/08/2011 15:05

Unless she is having the children for a significant amount of time. Or is buying them a significant amount of stuff. Then you should claim maintenance. They are her children. She should contribute.

LunarRose · 20/08/2011 15:08

if childcare is 50-50 CSA will take that into account in calculations, it will be much less than 20% you actually receive

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 15:11

He didn't say who was paying for childcare.

nosexpleaseimpregnant · 20/08/2011 15:12

Wabbit not all men are like that. OH's ex stopped him from seeing his DD for nearly 6 months when she kicked him out (she really was vile and bitter) but he still paid his CSA straight out of his wages every payday as he didn't want DD to go without. Things have moved on alot in the past 3 years but not without spending thousands on solicitor fee's.
Shouldiask, kids are expensive and I'm sure she knew that when you had both boys so why should you fit the bill? Would you pay that if you were told to? I'm guessing you would because you have a good sense of your responsibilities and she should too!!

LolaRennt · 20/08/2011 15:13

If you are genuinely worried you dont have to accept the full amount each month but I would have the full amount agreed on through the CSA you are being unreasonable to deny your children this

Original poster

Shouldiask · 20/08/2011 15:13

Researching for what?

To answer a few questions.
We don't use paid childcare. We earn similiar money and I get the child benefit and taxcredits.

One DC is here every night and one stays here 12 nights out of 14.

So the consensus is I should ask, I think I will diplomatically raise it.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 15:25

I definitely think you should raise it and I'm shocked she has expected you to pay everything, given you earn similar amounts.

fifitrixibellesmith · 20/08/2011 15:50

of course you should

you care for the kids, she needs to pay for their upkeep

Andrewofgg · 20/08/2011 15:52

Why is this even an issue?

Wabbit · 20/08/2011 16:13

I understand that not all men are like my ExP, who really took the , I just wanted to say that not all women are comfortable taking money from their exs (as it can come with a whole lot of baggage too.)

I don't doubt your OH had to fight for his opportunity to see his DD, and was willing to pay despite his ex's refusal to let him see her. He's obviously one of the nice guys though like my DP now

rulesandregs · 20/08/2011 17:01

You should definitely apply for child maintenance, the CSA have many cases where the father is the parent with care, so don't worry about that.

From what you've said it sounds like she has 1 child for 1 night a week, so she would get a 1/14th reduction in maintenance for that (is 1/7 but for only 1 child).

You can ask the CSA to do the calculation and then agree to maintenance direct - she pays you with no further involvement from the CSA - which would allow some flexibility in how much is paid but leaves you free to go back to them if there is a problem (althought they can only go after maintenance from when you get back in touch, so if e.g. 3 months payments were missed before you asked CSA to take over then they wouldn't be able to get those payments for you).

You can also choose to close the case at anytime.

If you would like an 'unofficial' estimate PM me and I'll have work it out for you.

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