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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm having DC2 not DC1 - AIBU for people to accept that???

45 replies

wearenotamused · 19/08/2011 14:28

Bit of Background (and a rant)

I'm currently pregnant and have been with DH for 5 years.
When we met he was a newly single parent with a tiny 8th month old DS. We were very close friends (I shared a flat with his sister) for about a year before we finally got together. DS birth mum is not in the picture and has never been and will never be.

I adopted DS after me and DH had been together for around 3 years. I'm his mum.

However.

DH is 7 years older than me (I'm 29) and since getting pregnant I have had lots of comments from people saying that I must be glad to be finally having a child of my own and from people informing me that it will be different this time and I can finally be a 'proper mum'

This has been from some people I work with (though not close work friends), and when I have bumped into people who kind of know DH from many years ago. me and DS bumped into one at the shop and she said to DS that 'he must be happy to be having a new half sibling' DS asked me what a half sibling was and I didn't know what to say. (DS does know I did not give birth to him btw)

It has also come from some fringe members of DH extented family (the ones you see once every 4 year - one wrote in a congratualtions card 'you must be very happy to be finally having a child of your own -name-'

I am having our second child - end of.

AIBU for people just to accept that? (especially family members) I have tried to tell them they are wrong, but they will not accept it or chose to ignore it. It has got to the point where I just freeze when someone says it.

I don't know what to do - DH doesn't have this problem and though obviously read cards isn't there when people say things :(

I don't see what peoples problem is????????

OP posts:

Jelly15 · 19/08/2011 20:06

Just want to say congratulations

Katiebeau · 19/08/2011 20:09

You are obviously a committed and loving Mum to your first child. And no doubt you will be the same for your new child. Good luck to you all and ignore those idiots.

HandMini · 19/08/2011 20:16

You're not being unreasonable and I think your approach is wonderful, but I am sure that all people mean by it is that you must be excited to be going through pregnancy and childbirth for the first time.

You can (and should) make clear to them that you will love your two children in the same way, but it's true that this is a first experience for you and you can still be excited about that with these people who I am sure mean well.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/08/2011 20:18

what is wrong with people? Constantly amazed at what people let come out of their mouths without engaging their brains.

monkeypuzzeltree · 19/08/2011 20:21

Whether people accept it or not, who cares. All I can say, as someone who has a father who did the same as you, what lucky children you have. Not everyone can do what you have done and while you take it as just the way things are, believe me, people admire it, which is probably why they comment. Just try to ignore.

However, congratulations on your first pregnancy, that is a new experience and will be lovely to add to your family. Good luck with it all.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 19/08/2011 20:22

I agree with Handmini. I think they mean it well but are maybe either expressing it a bit clumsily or you are seeing it as such because you clearly want to show people that your own pregnancy won't make you any less of a mum to dc1.

Congratulations and it won't be long before people just see you with both of them and the ins and outs of it all won't matter a jot. :)

Andrewofgg · 19/08/2011 20:22

Bless you, you are wonderful, and to hell with the ignorant and thoughtless types.

EmsieRo · 19/08/2011 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrompetteMilitaire · 19/08/2011 20:50

If you've explained it, they shouldn't be questioning it. But from their perspective, it's probably hard to accept. I couldn't possibly feel the same about someone else's child as I feel about my own, and the people who make such comments probably feel as I do. I could love another child, but not in the absolute gut-wrenching way I love my own. You are, I think, exceptional, and it's probably hard for other people to understand that. They're not necessarily being unkind: they're just not able to put themselves in your position.

KingTrollo · 19/08/2011 21:02

Congratulations on the new addition to your family, how lovely to have a sibling for your DS. Good luck!

PS - what ZillionChocolate and SheCutOffTHeirTales said x

DrKoothrappali · 19/08/2011 21:27

Can you just practice a stern stare followed by 'this might be my first pregancy but it won't be my first child' in a voice that says end of discussion maybe followed by a glance at your son to indicate that it isn't an appropriate conversation to have in front of him.

I had a similar situation, albeit on a much lesser scale. My DC have a Grandma and Grandad but Grandma is actually a step-grandma. I have been at family events where family and friends have said things like 'but she isn't their real grandma though, is she?' whilst my lovely, lovely stepmum is stood right there, looking devastated.
I answer with a look that could kill that she is their grandma in everyway that matters, she is the only grandma they will ever know and they are damned lucky to have her. Full stop. End of conversation.

Original poster

wearenotamused · 19/08/2011 22:45

A thank you again to you all.

Trompette DS is my child pure and simple. It's not exceptional at all. But thank you for the sentiment.

And as people are asking about DS and his birth mother. He has always known that I did not give birth to him but that I am still his mum. This became more obvious due to preganacy as DS asked to see baby photos and we have no scan pictures and I am in none of the pictures until the 8mnth mark. He asked again. And we explained about me not giving birth to him etc. But he hasnever known a time when I'm not there being his mum so that does make it easier

Once again a big thank you to you all. It made me feel a lot better

OP posts:

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 19/08/2011 22:47

YANBU. To any decent person you are having your second child (apart from medical peeps and MWs where biology makes an actual difference)

lifechanger · 19/08/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiki22 · 19/08/2011 23:07

just what everyone else has said your a wonderful person and obviously a great mother to your son :)

2shoes · 19/08/2011 23:09

yanbu
and lovely

Smellslikecatpee · 19/08/2011 23:20

prats, all of them even the ones who mean well

and you sound so lovely you've made me cry [though it could be the wine too ]

MoominsAreScary · 19/08/2011 23:20

Congratulations, why would anyone say half sibling to a child, my children are half brothers , makes no difference what so ever, think you just need to keep reminding people this is not your first child ( not that you should have to!) hopefully they will soon get the picture

biddysmama · 19/08/2011 23:28

yanbu, my brother is actually my step brother, hes been my brother for as long as i can remember and i forget that we arent actually related even when asked about family health by the midwife and it would upset me if someone made a point of it to us!

Doodlez · 19/08/2011 23:37

Congratulations from me too.

Just to add - your second child does not double the washing pile...it freakin' quadruples it and I have yet to figure out why!

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