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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends/Weddings - Aaaaargghh

23 replies

shinyblackgrape · 17/08/2011 15:54

I'm getting married in a month and am very excited!

We sent out save the date cards nearly a year ago and invitations about 4 weeks ago.

We decided to have a child-free wedding (I know that some people have very strong opinions on that but it was our choice) and advised friends of that.

One of my good friends from university had previously verbally said she would attend. However, she sent me an email about 2 weeks ago saying that she "hoped" to attend but had to see if she could arrange a baby sitter for her two year old son. It may have been me but I did feel that she was waiting for me to make an exception and say it was OK for him to attend. I haven't actually done that but just said that I hoped she would be able to sort it out and we would love to see her there.

I haven't received any RSVP from her - either yes or no (we included a SAE and card so not too hard to do). I am in two minds about chasing her on this. I don't see why I should and actually feel a bit hurt about the whole thing. On the other hand, I do need to know (in the next week or so re numbers).

Whilst I quite respect the fact that she may not wish to be parted from her son for the duration of our wedding, I do also think that she should have the courtesy to at least RSVP either way to me.

I feel like a sad, desperado having to chase as (obviously!) I only want people who actively want to attend at our wedding.

I may be being unreasonable as we have had some other unexpected declines so feeling a bit raw.

I am wondering whether to just put her down as a no on our list and not bother asking. On the other hand, I kind of want to put her on the spot either way too (mean, I know!)

Not sure what to do!

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 17/08/2011 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 17/08/2011 16:00

just ask her" send nice text saying how its going re babysitter, really really hope you can make it

MrsCarriePooter · 17/08/2011 16:00

Congratulations on getting married!

Just text her or whatever you normally do and ask. Forget about putting her on the spot in a mean way or whatever - you'll need to chase anyone who hasn't responded. I wouldn't personally put her on the No list without checking because if she does turn up it may be a problem (or are you going to say no dinner, you didn't RSVP). Same goes for anyone else in the same boat.

And no YANBU to expect people to reply by the date you've requested, particularly when you've made it so easy for them. But people can be thoughtless or just busy (or replies even get lost).

trixie123 · 17/08/2011 16:02

as bear said, presumably she is still working on sorting out childcare so can't say yes or no yet. If your caterers have given you a deadline you could ring her and say that so she knows but really, if you want her to attend, you need to do the chasing - it is YOUR wedding, the biggest thing going on in your life but to her it is a social event, important but not crucial. Asking someone to mind a two year old for a whole day is a big deal, its not like its just an evening where he will be asleep the whole time. Not everyone is going to want to do it.

hophophippidtyhop · 17/08/2011 16:05

Yanbu to expect a reply. Yabu, however to get upset if people can't make it when you stipulate a child free wedding and they can't come because of their children.

AngryGnome · 17/08/2011 16:09

Could you be reading too much into this? You do say in your OP that "it may have been me" feeling that she wanted to ask you to make an exception for her DC.

Maybe she isn't waiting for you to say "oh alright he can come", but instead is either trying to find a babysitter, or has completely forgotten to formally reply. My closest friend never formally RSVP'd to my wedding, as she just assumed I knew she was going (which oif course I did )

I would just give her a call and ask her.

Have a lovely wedding!

TheOnlyWayIsEnfield · 17/08/2011 16:12

Congrats!

We had a child-free wedding too. I wanted my friends to be able to have fun without having to keep their eyes on their little ones. Also, there were some treacherous concrete steps that I was worried about. No one complained about it, they just respected our wishes. (behind our backs may have been a different story, but who knows?)

But we did have one friend who just kept blithely ignoring all my subtle and not too subtle hints about her not bringing her toddler, and she turned up with him on the day anyway, regardless of what I said. He was very well behaved, but that's not really the point, is it?

The worst part is that our other friends with kids obviously thought that we had made an exception for her, which we hadn't. I thought this was unfair, as they had all gone out of their ways to get childcare arranged.

Maybe this is an angle you could approach her from, if you do want to ask her again, because it is out of order for other people, not simply disregard for what you and your partner both want, which is a shame in itself.

I took every 'no' very badly as well, you just have to try not to take it personally don't you? I'm sure you'll have a lovely day, and the absentees are probably disappointed not to be able to make it as well.

Have a wonderful wedding.

FakePlasticTrees · 17/08/2011 16:36

Just call her /e-mail her and ask - tell her you have to know numbers by a certain date. It probably is that she wants to come but hasn't been able to confirm babysitters yet.

Also, remember that it's not easy to line someone up to look after a 2.5 year old for a whole day and into the evening, (even more so if you're getting married on a week day) if family can't do it, that length of time is very hard to find someone for - professional nannies aren't cheap either.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 17/08/2011 17:09

I don't think its a case of not wanting to be apart from her child its more the point of finding someone she knows and trusts to look after her child .
I mean you cant just dump them on people who you or the child dosnt know . Saying that she dosn't want to be apart from her child makes her sound a bit pathetic and you a bit mean to be honest .

MeconiumHappens · 17/08/2011 17:37

Yabu
But its okay, its part of the bridezilla experience. We got married last year and also had a couple of unexpected declines which everyone does and which are a bit hurtful.
I genuinely think she is trying to arrange a babysitter. just text her and ask her if she's had any luck getting a babysitter yet. With regard to you thinking she wants ou to make an exception, I think its probably you reading into it bit too much which is easily done when faced with the tricky situation of having a child free wedding. We requested only close family children, still ended up with some extras because felt obliged, qand actually it didnt matter at all as they didnt impact on the day at all. But go with what feels right for you :)

MadamDeathstare · 17/08/2011 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

shinyblackgrape · 17/08/2011 17:59

Thanks for the input. I take it all on board. I have (honestly!) been completely relaxed up until now but suddenly seem to have gone in to overdrive.

For some reason, the RSVPs have tipped me over the edge. I feel so needy and awful - it feels like being back at school again!

I completely accept that some people can't come due to childcare and some people have said that they can't due to that and I accept that. I just feel I am hanging with this one!

I will send a nice text and see what happens. I think the reason I haven't to date is because I will be (unfairly) very upset if she can't make it so kind of hoping that she will be able to.

I wont hold it against her, of course.

OP posts:

lachesis · 17/08/2011 18:01

YABU.

FakePlasticTrees · 17/08/2011 18:05

Thinking about it again, is your friend either a SAMH or a working mum who normally uses a nursery? If so, she might be stumped where to find someone to sit for a day (rather than just a few hours in the evenings when her DC is asleep). Do you have any friends/colleagues who use nannies who won't need them on the day? For my BIL's wedding I needed to find someone to sit for DS and ended up hiring a friend's nanny for the day (said friend didn't work on that day, it was a week day wedding so the only people I could normally ask to sit DS where either at work or at the wedding).

MigratingCoconuts · 17/08/2011 18:08

Hope the text goes well.

However, it is often quite difficult to arrange childcare that you feel comfortable with leaving a young child with over night (which I assume would be the case).

I recently went to a family wedding on my own cos childcare fell through at the last minute and my Dh had to stay at home.

minipie · 17/08/2011 18:21

What deadline did you give to RSVP by? Has she missed it yet?

Original poster

shinyblackgrape · 17/08/2011 18:22

I do take on all the points re childcare. She lives about 4 miles away from her parents (not invited to the wedding) and her son is looked after by them if needs be - they are all very close.

However, it could be that they are not available, of course.

She is (quite understandably!) very protective of her DS and I know she didn't let anyone else look after him (including DH) without her present until he was about 1. I knew there was no chance of them coming if we had got married during that period. However, hoped she would make it now.

I think what is annoying is that she has known since the Save the Date cards that it was a child free wedding so kind of hoped that babysitter would have been able to be sorted as our other friends which children have done.

OP posts:

Original poster

shinyblackgrape · 17/08/2011 18:23

I didn't give a specific RSVP date on the invites. However, hope that everyone will RSVP by about three weeks before the wedding. At the moment, we are only waiting on a few.

OP posts:

geraldinetheluckygoat · 17/08/2011 18:31

I don't understand why, if she's such a good friend and you want her to go so much, you don't just phone her and TALK to her?

sittinginthesun · 17/08/2011 18:38

It's perfectly fine to chase. I've just been to a wedding where we had the option of taking the children or not. I left it to the very last second to decide, because I actually couldn't decide!

(In my case, it was a 6 hour drive, 2 nights away, and I logically knew it was better to leave them, but my heart was tugging at the thought of leaving them for the whole weekend - oh, I left them with inlaws, and had the best weekend in years! Drinking champagne until 4am...)

Anyway, I waffle. What I mean is, I left it until I was put on the spot for a decision because they needed numbers for caterers, and decided there and then. Just send the text. x

Dozer · 17/08/2011 19:10

YABU. You sound quite judgmental.

"She is (quite understandably!) very protective of her DS and I know she didn't let anyone else look after him (including DH) without her present until he was about 1."

"She lives about 4 miles away from her parents (not invited to the wedding) and her son is looked after by them if needs be - they are all very close."

"I think what is annoying is that she has known since the Save the Date cards that it was a child free wedding so kind of hoped that babysitter would have been able to be sorted as our other friends which children have done."

So she's not done what your other mates with kids have, or what you think you would do if you were in her situation. Doesn't make her unreasonable. And you don't know what's going on with her.

YANBU to chase her for a response. YWBU to guilt-trip her if she decides not to attend.

Original poster

shinyblackgrape · 17/08/2011 19:21

How is it judgemental to say that someone us understandably protective if their child? I would think that was quite a normal parental attitude which I am acknowledging?

Believe me, if I was going to try judgemental I think I'd go more for @ the unreasonable bitch is refusing to leave ds home alone with a Gregg's sausage roll and a fruit shoot. The heartless caaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!" .

OP posts:

joric · 17/08/2011 19:37

When restrictions or other requirements are put in place (ie no children invited, fancy dress, dress code etc) you need to expect a certain number of people to feel not able to attend.
I have a 50th fancy dress party for a very close relative soon and I am ashamed to say I'm dreading it rather than looking forward to it as FD is not my thing!!
Your friend says she hopes to come- I think that's a yes- but if something happens to her childcare arrangements she won't be able to obviously!

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