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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how much time is too much time with the in-laws?

26 replies

whowouldknow · 16/08/2011 14:00

I live very close to my in-laws (5min walk max). They are lovely people, good fun and I enjoy spending time with them. They are very good to my children (my own and step) and I am grateful for their help with childminding etc.

but (there had to be a but), they have now gotten into the habit of 'calling' every saturday night - for drinks and it is starting to cause problems within our relationship (me and dp).

an example is saturday night. DP had been out for a few drinks with friends and came home for dinner about 8pm. I had just taken dinner out of the oven when the door openned and drinks were demanded. Then they sat in the living room while we wolfed down our dinner to go and sit with them. Then, on a comfy sofa after some drinks, my dp fell asleep, my pil started fighting (this is usual) and so - i went to bed.

I am not sure when they left but when they did my dp came upstairs and started shouting at me for being rude to his parents and that if it was my parents things would be different.

This made me so cross for several reasons:-
i was looking forward to a quiet, early night (my ds is teething, its been a long few weeks)
my parents would never call uninvited
we invite his parents for dinner regulary - at least once a month.

so - am i being unreasonable - and if not - what can i do - dp is never going to have the balls to tell them to stop - help - this is making life very unpleasant in our house!!

OP posts:
honeymom · 16/08/2011 14:07

Your dp fell asleep? But you are being rude. I think he needs to take a look in the mirror. Would your parents turn up late at night uninvited ? If not then why should you be expected to stay up.

Lock your door on a Saturday night. I wouldn't stand for that. If you need an early night then they should respect that. Or not come round.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 16/08/2011 14:09

I personally wouldn't have my (now ex) mother-in-law over my doorsil, but then neither would my ex so no big issue there there. For those that like to get indignant, she qualifies as a 'weapons-grade narc' on the mumsnet scale of parental fuckedupness.

Others would have theirs around all the time. It looks like you and your partner need to set a couple of boundaries. Every Saturday night, even if they are lovely, is taking the piss. Might be worth asking if they can tone it down to once a fortnight? See how you go from there?

thefirstmrsrochester · 16/08/2011 14:09

YANBU
I would hate this. You must feel invaded in your own home.
Your DH must say something to them.
If he won't, lock the door and hide the keys.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2011 14:11

Start making plans to go out on Saturday night and ask if your Il's will babysit, since they are coming over anyway.

I have had similar with my MIL - she would come over every Sunday afternoon for hours and I felt it was impacting on our family time. I got my dh to phone her and ask her to come over on a day that suits us better. If he refuses, tell him that either he does it tactfully or you will and you are likely to be a lot less tactful.

He is out of order having a go at you for going to bed when they came over - he fell asleep on the sofa. I take the view that it is his job to entertain his parents and your job to entertain yours. of course you should both be polite to each others families but primary responsibility is with the person whose family it is.

cjbartlett · 16/08/2011 14:12

Pmsl at your dp saying you were rude after he fell asleep

Just tell dp to tell them every Saturday night is too often

Or move Grin

Or start arriving at theirs at 7.30 Saturday nights and put the kids to bed at theirs too, they'll soon get the hint

Original poster
whowouldknow · 16/08/2011 15:01

hefirstmrsrochester you are so right - i told my dp that i felt that it wasnt really my home at all!! cjbartlett i have also said i want to move house - this may have been said in jest as i love my house - maybe make them move further away Grin

thanks for your replies - i feel a bit more reasonable now!!

In honesty - if dp cant do something about it I think I may have to improve my social life pretty drastically and leave him and his parents home minding the kids!

OP posts:
chill1243 · 16/08/2011 15:20

when voices and fists get raised, its time to move on

TheMonster · 16/08/2011 15:21

25 seconds is too much time with my in laws.

clam · 16/08/2011 15:28

So you told your DH that he had fallen asleep so why shouldn't you, and his response was............?

Rhinestone · 16/08/2011 15:33

In answer to the specific question in your thread title -

10 minutes!

Angel786 · 16/08/2011 16:02

Was going to suggest the same as karma. Best to break the habit and make plans to go out?

Shanghaidiva · 16/08/2011 16:06

Agree with the suggestion of asking them to babysit. Regarding the walzing it unannounced, do they have a set of keys?
With my pils I consider 15 minutes to be reasonable...

Original poster
whowouldknow · 16/08/2011 16:14

well they do have keys but they dont need to use them - our front door is usually unlocked until bed time.

Clam - he was a bit pissed so his answer was just rubbish - but he was very sorry sunday morning - and i know he is frustrated because he feels like he cant fix this because he will be upsetting someone either way - the funny thing is that his dad has the decency to be a bit embarrassed - his mother obviously thinks it is her place to spend the evening in HER sons house!!

Def think i need to nip it tho - i do feel it is causing problems in our relationship and that is pissing me off.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 16/08/2011 16:17

Every Saturday night for drinks with in laws?

No way jose.

Same answer if it were my own parents.

JanMorrow · 16/08/2011 16:20

Start locking the door and plan more evenings out I'd say!

breatheslowly · 16/08/2011 16:25

Just lock the door and sit out in the garden next time the weather is ok on a Saturday night. "Sorry, we didn't hear the doorbell. It never occurred to me that you would be popping over as you didn't ring first." And repeat in some form until the message gets through. I imagine they are coming over as they just argue alone in their own house, so would rather do it for an audience.

Sn0wGoose · 16/08/2011 16:39

Wow, every Saturday night? No chance!!!

I liked karma's idea of getting them to babysit, since they're obviously at a lose end ;)

(in the interests of full disclosure, I live 45 mins from my ILs... and it's bliss!)

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2011 16:52

When this came up with my MIL, my dh told her that because he is working very long hours, we weren't getting much time together and it was having a negative impact on our marriage. Not strictly speaking true, but a bit more tactful than 'bugger off, you are getting on Karma's nerves'.

She has wriggled and protested a bit, because her preferred visiting day suited her more than our new arrangement, but it didn't suit us. On the whole though, it is a good excuse to make, because no MIl wants to will admit to being happy about putting stress on a couples relationship.

I know I sound like a right selfish cow here, but it was getting to a point where we felt guilty for wanting to go out and put off doing our own thing in order to accommodate MILs preferred plans. I honestly think it is better to stand your ground, because then you are genuinely happy to see them when they visit, rather than feeling resentful and put upon.

G1nger · 16/08/2011 18:31

They could do it once. And my partner wouldn't hear the end of it. If they did it twice... Well, it wouldn't happen twice!

Merrin · 16/08/2011 19:18

Could you not answer the door in a revealing nightie and giggle at them until they go away? :o

Atropos · 16/08/2011 20:44

Why not just have a quiet word? Perhaps they don't realise how intrusive
they are being and are just feeling full of warm and fuzzy family feeling. Jiggle a bit to accommodate their needs and yours ? can't be that hard.

Original poster
whowouldknow · 17/08/2011 08:20

Merrin - we have disappeared upstairs a few times when the step kids are with their mum - and have heard them discussing where we must be at the front door before turning on their heel - very funny!!

thanks to everyone for your messages - got a few ideas now and have decided I need to be pro-active rather than just angry!!

never posted on mumsnet before - its like therapy! Thanks folks!

OP posts:
Sn0wGoose · 18/08/2011 09:59

Let us know how it goes! :)

Original poster
whowouldknow · 09/11/2011 13:31

Hi folks
havent been on in ages - thanks for all your help - we have taken it on board; they have been over babysitting while we have a nice night out, we have date nights where they are told not to come over and we invite them over monthly so they cant complain we dont love them dearly - we are all much happier now :)

hope it lasts!!!

OP posts:
AnotherEmptyNest · 09/11/2011 14:39

Glad it's worked itself out.

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