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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to deactivate and delete the FB account with DD's name on it?

24 replies

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 13:53

She is just eleven but XH has other children aged 12 and 14. They haven't had contact with each other since they were all babies.

I decided to set up an account which was password-protected and very closely monitored so that DD could see photographs and exchange messages. As a nice way-in to keep in touch before we thought about taking it further. And when I say "monitored", I was sitting next to my daughter every time we accessed it.

Obviously I have been more concerned about DD's privacy settings but last night I logged on out of curiosity and saw "sexy schoolgirl" pictures posted by her half-sister (12) and all her friends. Every one of the friends tagged had wide-open profiles. Also, both DD's brother and sister have over 300 "friends" and their wall posts are visible too.

The childrens' mother has previously assured me that she kept tabs on Facebook and I believed her. Her profile is also available and has interesting posts about the recent riots

AIBU to have effectively reneged on the idea of FB contact initially?

DH thinks that I have given them a decent chance and found out exactly what sort of parenting (if any) goes on. I am in two minds. They are only children.

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 15/08/2011 13:56

Who were the pictures of?

worraliberty · 15/08/2011 13:58

I think your DH is wrong to judge 'parenting' on FB pages alone.

Also, most people have their walls set to 'friends of friends' meaning that not just anyone can view them.

What has your DH said to his daughter about the 'sexy' photos?

You'll get mixed views on this thread because some people think FB is the devil's spawn but of course MSN and other internet sites can be just as bad or worse.

Original poster

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 13:58

Gah! The "only children" comment was about not judging DD's siblings for what they have learned and feel appropriate to put on the internet because that isn't their fault, is it? And I feel awful for stopping contact. I was adopted myself and have a brother somewhere so I don't want to deny DD

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 15/08/2011 13:59

So, when your 11yo uses this account, she sees inappropriate material? I'd definitely take her off it - you can't stop the other DC from posting these things, but you have a responsibility to protect her from it.

I'd maybe leave getting in touch for now too - it doesn't sound as if these DC have the same kind of boundaries that you want for your DD. When she is a bit older - and assuming she seems confident enough not to be too easily led - you could reconsider.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 15/08/2011 14:00

I'd close her account. She doesn't need to be exposed to 'sexy' photos of her 12 year old HS, yuck.
As a compromise you could always set up a profile for yourself and just show her the bits that you're happy with? I guess as well it depends on how eager your DD is to have this virtual relationship her HS - she might not be remotely bothered to have her profile taken down.

worraliberty · 15/08/2011 14:01

You don't need FB to keep in touch anyway...what's wrong with email?

Original poster

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 14:01

DH hasn't seen any of it, I've told him. Certainly hasn't mentioned it to DD. Neither of us have.

DD has mentioned a site called "M&S" and I have directed her to the Per Una collection. She thinks it's quite boring.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 15/08/2011 14:03

What do you think he'll say to her when he does see the pics?

oldraver · 15/08/2011 14:04

The thing is you can protect your DC's account so no-one apart from people you know can see/access her but I dont think you can control what is visible to your DC via friends of friends. If stuff you consider unsuitable is available for viewing being it photos or posts I would delete it

Original poster

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 14:08

I do think it's about boundaries. The children are from an unsettled family. I hate to say it but, eight children by five different partners (three taken away) and many boyfriends in-between as well as house and school moves at every turn.

I always had misgivings about getting in touch and it's always said that one shouldn't judge but it's difficult sometimes.

OP posts:

Original poster

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 14:10

worra? The pics were not of my DD. No reason for him to see the friends of her sister at all. Sorry if I haven't been clear.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 15/08/2011 14:11

It is difficult not to judge...maybe she judges your DH too for having another child straight after his last one with her?

Will your DH have a word about the photos? I mean if her Mum doesn't take them down?

worraliberty · 15/08/2011 14:13

last night I logged on out of curiosity and saw "sexy schoolgirl" pictures posted by her half-sister (12)

Sorry, that's what made me think the photos were of his daughter. Did she post sexy photos of her friends?

AMumInScotland · 15/08/2011 14:15

I think there is an XH - who fathered the 11yo and the others.
Plus a (current) DH - who is around, but not the biological father of any of them.

worraliberty · 15/08/2011 14:17

Oh I see! Sorry OP ignore me

I didn't spot the 'ex' bit in the OP and thought you were talking about your Husband

Original poster

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 14:19

XH, and yes I know. I was bloody stupid to have a child with this "man" a year after she gave birth. Extremely stupid. I kicked him out when my DD was months old and I was back working full-time. Priorities change when it isn't just yourself in a shitty and abusive situation.

Friends pictures oh yes. Bending over in rolled-up school skirts with lollipops and sugar dummies. Vile.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 15/08/2011 14:28

I think I'd weigh up the pros and cons of being in touch TBH - they've managed fine without contact throughout childhood, when maybe it would have been easier to have acceptable boundaries. To suddenly be in contact now, when they are hitting puberty / teenage rebellion is maybe not the best time.

Unless you have compelling reasons for doing this now, I'd leave it till your DD is a bit older - then she'll be in a better place to deal with their teenage behaviour and you won't feel so much need to censor their comments and pictures.

Original poster

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 14:28

DD's sister posted at 2:30 am once and had to be told to go to bed by a friend of her mother.

DD is comparatively safe but I was utterly shocked to see profiles and photographs of children wide open. Especially when said children are posting about family break-ups and other vulnerable situations.

OP posts:

Original poster

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 14:34

AMumInScotland, there are no compelling reasons for contact now, no.

XH's only concern (in eleven years) for DD seems to be that she doesn't end up dating her brother. I wondered why he was suddenly interested in her future school.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 15/08/2011 15:03

I can and do judge others parenting when it comes to things like this. I would delete the account. FB brings out the worst in adults let alone children.

vividgingerchilli · 15/08/2011 15:20

YOu can't actually delete facebook accounts, you can only deactivate them but they work if you log in again. Facebook can delete accounts, my friend got them to delete the one her

AMumInScotland · 15/08/2011 15:47

If that's the only concern, you can tell her his name, and show her a photo - job done! Seriously, since she hasn't grown up with her half brother through her childhood she won't have the "Eww" factor if she meets him later, so it is a possobility. But if she knows who he is, she'll avoid going out with him, so it's unlikely to become a problem. Meeting him now won't protect her any more than meeting him at 16 or whatever.

I would certainly stop the account - just change the password if you can't delete them completely. Let her have it back when she is old enough to allow to get on with it with slightly less supervision.

Original poster

InfestationofLannisters · 15/08/2011 15:56

She has seen photos recently which aren't the baby ones I have always had and shown her and told her about along with the names. And when seeing the FB ones of her (very handsome I must say) HB, she did say that she wished he wasn't her brother!

Yesterday a MNer in Australia said that if a child is found to have a FB account then the parents are being told that they have lied on behalf of their child wrt age and that it is illegal. I am going to tell that to DD. It's a bit of a grey area because DD's is linked to my account and is my responsibility in every way including password and everything typed or shared. But I see now that she is too young for this sort of thing.

I wonder how this works for people who have FB profiles for their dogs?

OP posts:

mummymeister · 15/08/2011 16:44

Not a popular comment but here goes... you have to be 13 to get a FB account. in order to get one for your dd you must have lied when inputting her date of birth. I know there are loads of reasons why 13 is set as the age (principally in the US due to laws on privacy and data protection) but id like to think its because they really arent mature enough. You need to suspend her account now and reactivate it/start again when she is the right age. Email and texting keeps people in touch. FB can be vile and expose kids to the kinds of things youd normally see on tv after the watershed.

FB profiles for their dogs or other animals? Hmm i dare not comment!!!

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