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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That if my partner has a family day out with his child and ex, that he should tell me about it BEFORE I hear about it from her on FB...?

45 replies

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 11:02

Thats it really. I have no issue with them having family days out - I don't think it happens all that often, but he didn't mention that he invited his ex to join him and his daughter. He had opportunity to tell me ( I asked about their day via text) and he didn't mention her. Then it became obvious vis facebook. Thats what has upset me - that I learn about it from his ex.
Surely I deserve a bit of consideration?
We've been together for about 7 months, and its been quite serious.

What do you guys think???
:

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 15/08/2011 12:19

doll that scenario did cross my mind too, I must admit!

OP I assume you've met his family / friends etc?

superv1xen · 15/08/2011 12:20

OP how long have your dp and his dc mum been split up?

if it isn't long, do you think she might want him back?

Pandemoniaa · 15/08/2011 12:23

Experience has taught me that you need to tread very, very carefully around ex-partners/wives and arrangements to go out with or see the children of those relationships. Facebook, in my opinion now being a very unhelpful element so far as this is concerned.

I don't think it is necessarily unreasonable for your new partner to spend a day with his dcs and ex-wife and neither is this a sign that he his loyalties err towards her. Although "loyalties" are an area worth leaving well alone if possible. But for all this, your dp should have been honest about his plans - even if he knews that those plans mightn't meet with your fullest approval. There's nothing worse than being the last to know and then to be informed via the internet.

But where I think you have not helped your case is the comment on Facebook and I suspect this is why you are getting the silent treatment.

Original poster

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 12:25

They've been split up nearing a year I think. He was only on his own for a few months before we met.
I have met his daughter, and bits of his family/friends.
I don't know if she wants him back - I guess it was a mutual decision after a very long time of being together for their child.

OP posts:

Catsmamma · 15/08/2011 12:25

looks to me like the both of you are marking your territory

CurrySpice · 15/08/2011 12:30

What do you mean "bits" and how were you introduced?

Original poster

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 12:31

My comment on FB was a very neutral one about the photo of his daughter. I didn't comment about them spending they day together, because that doesn't bother me. It is being the last to know and being told by his ex in a very public way. I actually replied to HER comment and said I was glad they all had a good day out.

It does feel like marking territory which I don't believe I should have to do....

OP posts:

Original poster

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 12:32

Curry - his parents, and neice and nephew, and some friends

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 12:44

Yes, you need to take the wind right out of his sails here.

'It's difficult for both of us. I need to respect your position as a father - which I do. I would not have objected to your ex being there.

In return, you need to respect me as a partner. If you can't do that, then you aren't ready for a new commitment.'

ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 12:48

You shouldn't have to mark any territory in response to his ex marking territory that she does not have!

That's clearly part of the issue - it's early days for her too - but that isn't your business, and only becomes a problem if HE muddies the waters and isn't clear about where he stands with his commitments- which is exactly the message he's sent out.

He's creating a mess that doesn't need to be there. One of the things you have to watch out for is that that isn't something he quite likes. If he isn't particularly secure in himself and his own decisions here (and it's a real upheaval, I'd be surprised if he wasn't still feeling uncertain and guilty) then you may have the situation where he is happy to sit on the fence about your involvement in his life, to massage his ex's ego. If that's the case - ship out pronto.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 15/08/2011 12:49

In the OP's shoes I think I'd have felt a surge twinge of jealousy and then, hopefully, realise that it was my probably my problem and I should get over it.

I'm not sure the BF should have to consult his GF prior to spending time with his ex and dd and there's no indication (although I might have missed it - am tired and a bit poorly) that he wasn't going to mention it later. He wouldn't have posted the photo on FB surely if it was a big secret? Although if he thought his GF was going to go off on one and have a jealous strop (which to be fair I might have done) I could understand him keeping schtum.

pigletmania · 15/08/2011 12:59

I don't blame you, if he loves and respects you, he should have been open and honest. They are not a family as he is not with her. Fine him taking his son out, not really the ex, playing happy families.

MrsC1977 · 15/08/2011 13:15

I'd hardly say he was a partner after 7 months the relationship (if it lasts) is only early days op. Its says it all really when you come on the internet telling complete strangers that you're not happy with your boyfriends plans with his ex and child.

pigletmania · 15/08/2011 13:24

She has said that it's serious so in that case I would expect honesty and not keeping those types of secrets. A lot can happen in 7 months. Some people don't like the term boyfriend/girlfriend. Don't worry op others would feel the same

Original poster

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 14:16

Harsh Mrs C .

OP posts:

superv1xen · 15/08/2011 14:22

mrsc thats really harsh

i don't think 7 months IS particularly early days actually.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2011 14:36

since when was any length of a relationship too "early days" for a bit of respect ?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2011 14:54

Sorry OP, but he's behaving in a 'casual' kind of way towards you, however you refer to him. Childish too. I don't think seven months is very long but then again, you can be 'mated for life' and know it within a day.

It sounds as if he wants to keep his current relationship - and that of his ex and son, separate. I don't think that's a bad thing really, they're constant and perhaps things will change as your relationship develops.

A question.... Did his ex actually know that he hadn't told you that he was going out with her and DS? If not, she might have assumed that you knew anyway so wasn't trying to rub your nose in it, if you see what I mean?

MrsC1977 · 15/08/2011 15:08

Yes maybe a little harsh. But I am telling the truth. Men like this more often than not do go back with their exs especially if children are involved. I'd hate my husband to go out with an 'ex' and children, to find out on FB is worse! You have a lot of trust for someone you have only been dating a short time.

DoMeDon · 15/08/2011 15:14

Been there, got the t-shirt - not good OP - sorry.

The idea of a family day out and all for the kids is lovely. the reality is usually confused feelings and inappropraite boundaries. You know better than us Mners if he is an ultra mature, boundaried, appropraite adult. My instinct says no - I wouldn't be a happy bunny.

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