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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU sending DD to bedroom for the rest of the day for hurting DS

53 replies

Nottooshabby · 14/08/2011 22:41

Every time my DD hits my DS I banish her to the naughty step, explain the reasons why, get an apology, to myself and DS, she promises not to do it again...... The next time she does it, we go through the whole routine again. Today was the limit. DD pushed DS over on some concrete steps in the garden, DS got scratches on his poor little legs, he's only 2 and a half. So I sent DD, who's 5, to her bedroom for the rest of the day. I did explain why, and she knows she has done wrong, but will this banishing treatment work? If it fails, how can I get her to stop hurting her brother?? I am a single parent and I really need DD to work with me rather than against me. I don't like doing things like this, does it even work? or am I storing trouble up for myself later on? I already get 'you don't love me' if I tell her off!! HELP! :(

OP posts:
Alambil · 14/08/2011 23:28

maybe... who knows, it's probably a bit of age, a bit of sibling rivalry, a bit of decorating upheaval, a bit of school holidays...!

Original poster
Nottooshabby · 14/08/2011 23:29

Well she didn't exactly stay in there for 4 hours, she came down about 10 times!!!! screaming and shouting at me!!!

OP posts:
Alambil · 14/08/2011 23:30

also, don't just focus on the sharing for the praise - do it whenever they're kind/patient/focussing on something/use manners/sit still at the table.... any and every thing...

Maryz · 14/08/2011 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alambil · 14/08/2011 23:32

that's a good idea - you could add in the rewarding her waiting too.

(I told you it's OTT and I meant it!)

Alambil · 14/08/2011 23:32

and when I say rewarding I mean a "well done for waiting so patiently" - not always a "thing" reward

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 14/08/2011 23:33

It sounds like 'older child syndrome'. She may believe that you expect a lot more of her than you do of her younger brother purely because she is the eldest and she may resent you, and him, for that.

Do you set aside time for special 'mummy & dd' sessions - generally hanging out together, painting nails if she's into girly stuff, or building a train set if that's what floats her boat.

Do you praise her for being who she is? Tell her how wonderful you think she is and that you adore her? Tell her that you are so proud of her because she is so capable, confident, and considerate of others including her much younger sibling etc?

Along with Freudian, I'm not a fan of the ns - I don't believe that excluding young children as a punishment can teach them anything except a sense of burning resentment towards, and alienation from, the people who they should be able rely on to give them the guidance they need to develop a sense of self-esteem that wil serve them well throughout any trials and tribulations that may beset their lives.

Original poster
Nottooshabby · 14/08/2011 23:36

Yeh, liking that, I suppose if I get 'control' over something like that it will ripple out. DD and DS never stay at the dinner table! I do praise them though when they are playing nicely, it doesn't go un-noticed. DD usually requests sweets though for being 'good'! Something I'm not too happy about, but she usually acquieses(sp?) in the end

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 14/08/2011 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nottooshabby · 14/08/2011 23:41

Izzy, that's what I am worried about.... I don't want her to feel left out, I don't want the shouting/screaming/blood letting matches to continue, just how to deal? I'ts really difficult to be 'alone' with DD as I'm on my own. Nanna will have DD to stay because she is able to cope with her, so, I try to divide my time equally. I spend more time at night with DD, talking, reading stories, the girly half hour and all that, but that doesn't seem to give me any brownie points!!! :(

OP posts:
babeinthewood · 14/08/2011 23:41

agree wholeheartedly - some really good advice here. My DSD when she came to live with us, due to problems at home shed had no boundaries etc before, so she used to punch, kick, bite me and DS1 (DS2 escaped as was a NB thank goodness!)

what worked for me (Apologies if Im repeating):-

Antisocial behaviour (fighting, kicking etc) = removal from the anti social situation, explain why shes being removed and say when you will allow her out again, and that you'd like an apology. Put her where you can see her, but appear to ignore her. Then she will feel safe, but is not included in interaction for said time (Time out basically)

Rewards - Half a day is about right. ie: if you play nicely this morning, we can read a book together after lunch, or painting etc etc

It does sound like shes a little insecure, so lots of little reassurances, mountains of praise when appropriate should work a treat. maybe try and sit with them while they're playing (you may already do this) and effectively 'teach' them how to play together, read books with one on each knee, and play games like pairs, or hide and seek with toys.

Hope thats not too repetitive and helps :)

Original poster
Nottooshabby · 14/08/2011 23:42

Incredible years? can DS go with us? I'll pop off to their website now... is it on there? thank you for that advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottooshabby · 14/08/2011 23:48

No, all advice greatfully received, thank you thank you thank you, her behaviour does seem to have gone down hill now DS can fight back a little, and with the house move, I just don't understand why she has become insecure? She is my world, my miracle baby

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 14/08/2011 23:50

It is incrementally more difficult to be a single parent to more than one dc, but you might find it more enjoyable if you temporarily abandon all thoughts of what you 'need' to do (buy this, cook that, wash this, clean that etc) for a couple of hours a day during the school holidays and get down, literally, to their level and play with them.

Invent games, play with their toys, tell them stories, encourage them to make up stories to tell you and, when it comes to making meals, get them to join in - who cares if a sandwich only has one slice of bread or it's filling is more off the plate than on, or that the little cakes you make together bear more resemblance to Quasimodo than a fairy?

Time goes so fast; live in the 'now' as much as you possibly can and enjoy your dc.

Original poster
Nottooshabby · 14/08/2011 23:59

You're right. I guess I've just lost the path, sod the housework! I try to make everything perfect for them, instead of just being with them. Glad I joined this site now :) perspective regained, surestart investigated, and game playing tomorrow mummy fully involved. Thanks all

OP posts:
A1980 · 15/08/2011 00:03

YANBU my friends DD bit her sister on the leg so hard she drew blood through clothing. My friend sent her to her room for the whole day. She was furious and stomping around all day. I don't think it's an unreasonable punishment.

TheSecondComing · 15/08/2011 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alambil · 15/08/2011 00:07

if your SureStart don't do it, there is an IY book you can read to give yourself the basics... it's by Webster-Stratton and has a pink band across the corner IIRC - the one without the band is the old version

biscuitmad · 15/08/2011 00:14

Ive just introduced a naughty box with my ds. He has started to throw his toys and its not nice when they land on my head. The box is see through so he can see the toys that have been taken away. And they will stay in the box for 7 days. Maybe try that?

Can you sit one child down to watch tv? Then have special one to one time with the other. Then after twenty minutes they swap over once or twice a day. She may just want you all to herself instead of sharing.

Hardgoing · 15/08/2011 00:34

I found that my eldest was quite unsettled by moving, it took about 6 months to a year before her behaviour was really back to where it was before we moved, much longer than I was expecting (we moved when she was 5).

I might be going against the grain here, but my bottom line rule is no-one hurts anyone else in our house. So, I would be very stern and not a little scary, remove her and tell her off very firmly, stating 'you do not hurt your brother' and probably throw in a 'and if you do it again, you will lose X' as well. I would then leave her for five/ten min (not four hours, bless you) and let her gradually join back in. If it happened again I would then take away the item/not do the fun activity as threatened, even if this provoked a big tantrum.

I wouldn't do this for most minor transgressions, but I think deliberately hurting a smaller child has to absolutely be nipped in the bud. Soon, of course, your DS will probably do this by hitting back himself.

I would keep this very short though, and the rest of the time aim for fun and upbeat activities and praise, plus lots of attention. I'm not a fan of having things hanging over all afternoon, I think that's much more likely to make a child feel neglected and resentful to their brother.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/08/2011 00:39

Make the most of the time you have with your dd after her brother's bedtime, but maybe you could let her stay up a bit later on a Friday or Saturday night for a 'special' session of girly stuff which you can both plan and talk about duing the week and which is her specific reward for being older than her db and because you enjoy her company so much?

Your main priority is to ensure that you and your dcs are bonded together as a cohesive unit of 3, but try to give your dd regular 'special time' alone with you to compensate for the time that she is at school, staying with her dgm etc, when her db has your exclusive attention.

Of course, once you've bent over backwards to assure your dd that she is unique and precious to you, you'll have it all to do again when assuring your dc2 that you love and value him no less than his sister.

I know it's like walking a tightrope without a safety net and it's so easy to feel damned if you do, damned if you don't, do but all you can do is the best you can.

Please don't neglect to give yourself a mahoosive brownie point for every time you get through a morning/afternoon/evening/day/night without feeling like you are losing, or have lost, the plot!

it does get better!!

Original poster
Nottooshabby · 15/08/2011 00:41

Yes I agree, today was the limit, she has hurt him scores and scores of times, and I just felt that she wasn't listening and sending her to her room was the only thing I felt would shock her. I'm really liking the look of this Incredible Years stuff, never thought I would have the use for a parenting course, or parenting advice! but by golly, I will do it if it helps in any way, I don't want my DD to feel neglected or resentful. I was wrong, I realise that, I won't feel guilty about it, I just won't do it again. PROMISE

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/08/2011 01:34

Parenting is the biggest learning curve you'll ever experience - hang on to your sanity tight and try to enjoy the ride Grin

TheSecondComing · 15/08/2011 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumofjz · 15/08/2011 10:30

can someone post the thread for sure start incredable years, i'm not coming up with anything - is it american?