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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To close his bedroom door

44 replies

pjmama · 13/08/2011 04:57

My DS 4.11yo has woken us up every night for the last 3 years. Be hasn't had a bad dream, he doesn't need a wee, he isn't distressed or anxious or frightened - I think it's just habit, he wants to get in our bed.

I've tried reward charts.
I've tried explaining that if be doesn't let us all sleep then we're all too tired to have fun.
I've tried putting him in his sister's room for company.
I've tried silently taking him back to bed, repeatedly.

I've tried getting cross with him.
All these have been tried consistently for weeks at a time to give it chance to work, but apart from a handful of flukes there's no effect. He's been at full time Kindergarten for a year so the usual advice that he'll be tired when he starts school doesn't apply. Yet again I'm sobbing and frustrated and unable to get back to sleep after putting him back to bed 5 times in the last hour and a half. This is killing me and DH has disappeared off to the spare bed because I can't sleep. I'm so tired in the day time that I can't function and I think I'm starting to get depressed.

The one thing that stops him getting up is if I close his bedroom door, which is what I've resorted to tonight. It's open again, I only have to threaten it for it to have an effect. It makes him hysterical and for that reason I hate doing it. I'm at my wits end though and just can't think of anything else to try? I think if I try closing his door the first time he wakes up, it might work but only because he's terrified - I don't want to be the mother that scares her child into submission! I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't stop crying. Would the GP or HV help? Why won't he stay asleep?

OP posts:

discobeaver · 13/08/2011 15:17

Close his door! Lack of sleep makes you mad, crazy, depressed and hysterical.

I can't see the problem with closing his door, I really can't.

Good luck!

discobeaver · 13/08/2011 15:17

I should say, lack of sleep makes ME all of the above, plus angry and tearful.

I don't do not sleeping.

northerngirl41 · 13/08/2011 17:23

The problem isn't really with him waking up - the problem is with him waking you up. What would happen if you let him have run of the house, but locked your door? It's worth a try.

Explain it to him beforehand, give him some options of what he can get up and do (play with toys quietly etc) but make it the rule that until his alarm clock goes off, he has to stay upstairs and not wake anyone else up.

Some kids just don't need as much sleep as others. It's fine for him to wake up but it's not fine for him to wake everyone else up.

inchoccyheaven · 13/08/2011 17:48

I also agree with the mattress on the floor idea, wish I had done it! I tried so hard when my sons were young to get them to stay in their own beds as that is what everyone told me they should do, but I spent years being woken up especially by ds1 and in the end just let them into my bed where we all slept better. ds1 is now 11 and stopped coming in about 6 months ago and ds2 is 9 and still comes in sometimes. He doesn't wake me he just climbs over me and gets in. I do have double bed to myself so there is plenty of room.

Lots of adults don't like sleeping by themselves so why should children?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 13/08/2011 18:09

I suggest you remove the reward/punishment element from your cunning plan unless you are prepared to give your ds a star every time he slips into his little nest beside your bed without disturbing your sleep.

If he achieves this for a few nights, give some consderation to turning the landing light off when you go to bed. As he appears to be waking from habit, it could be that without a light stimulus he won't wake fully and will go back to sleep.

If you wake up in the morning to find him on the floor, verbally praise him for the first few occasions but don't allow him to get into bed* with you - get up and start the day in the your usual way.

*unless your dc regularly join you at weekends or special occasions.

MightyQuim · 13/08/2011 19:01

If the threat of it works then just tell him before he goes up that if he gets up for no reason you will close his door - then you won't actually have to do it if it's as good a deterrent as you say. Seems strange though - most kids would just open the door again I think!

lifeisa4letterword · 14/08/2011 22:57

Know the problem well, as we had 6 who all tried it at one time or another. DH would take them straight back to their own bed, curl up beside them & hold a hand (critical, that bit). Amost always they were alseep in a few minutes and DH would slink away.

Only problem was wideawake DH slinking back to our room in middle of night was not always restful.

hellymelly · 14/08/2011 23:05

Is it such a big problem if he snuggles in with you? (haven't read the whole thread so may have missed something!) My dd is also 4 and still sleeps in with me.My friends DS would wake and get in with her until he was about 8 (she was pregnant and he complained about the lack of room and just stopped coming in). The mattress on the floor sounds a good idea,but maybe if he wakes he just wants to be next to you,which is understandable.

hellymelly · 14/08/2011 23:09

Also think most children wake slightly at night,as do adults,some will just go back to sleep,but some need the reassurance of a parent there.I know that even though my dds are asleep either side of me they do wake slightly and cuddle in,or need the duvet pulled over them,or they might just put out an arm to check I'm there. I would get a bigger bed,or put your mattress on the floor and add one for him,and let him be with you when he wants.Four is very small after all.

rhondajean · 14/08/2011 23:12

Im just going to bed and sorry but too tired to read everything so if I have X posted I apologise. Just wanted to say HV will definitely help with this, and lots of people have been there, so dont be afraid to ask for her advice.

Hope you get some sleep soon x

seeker · 14/08/2011 23:14

If he gets into bed with you without waking you up- you said you find him there in the morning - why is that a problem?

123caughtaflea · 14/08/2011 23:25

Just the mattress by the bed - so you can sleep.

Why a reward scheme for staying in his room? What does it matter? If it helps him, and you get your sleep, job done. He may stay longer than the above poster whose daughter stayed a week and then 3 days, but he won't be there at 17 or even 13 I am very sure . . .

FWIW, my son used a mattress for 3 months at the end of last year: there were emotional reasons, I knew about them, it's fine. He stopped coming in in January. The issues re-awakened, very clear why, on a specific day in June and he started coming in again and has been in every night since. And it's fine. He'll stop again when he's ready, we all get to sleep, no problem.

Or am I missing something?

nomorelego · 14/08/2011 23:31

My friend got to this stage with her DS ( I think he may have been a few months older than yours) and she started paying him! 50p per night if he stayed in bed. Was the only thing that had worked in 5 years!!

michaelbooblie · 14/08/2011 23:34

Sleep deprivation is awful so you have my sympathies.
Just close the door. All doors in my house are shut at night (DH a firefighter and insists on it)
Could you go down the fire safety route or do you think he's to little to understand?. Everyone could have their doors shut?

strictlovingmum · 14/08/2011 23:43

At 4.11 just close the door, and go to bed.
DD 5 tomorrow tried this with us on few occasions recently,it freaked me out she would just be standing next to my side of the bed staring at me.
Very calmly and in hush voice I would just say " It's the night time and we all need to sleep".
No elaborating, no talking, no explaining, no engaging at this time of the night, as I said close the door and go to bed.
We had to do this over a course of three nights, and it was all done and dusted, good luck.

LordOfTheFlies · 14/08/2011 23:44

Good point michealbooblie about shutting doors at night.(have annual compulsary fire lectures at wotk and they also remommend this.And working fire alarms but that's another topic)

My DS used to slide into bed (always on my side because I'm a soft touch and I would let him stay) but he's very still and takes up no room.
Bribery would have worked for him.
This was the best thing for keeping him dry at night.20p a night in a special jar.

He grew out of it(can't recall how old though.

Maybe you and DH could swap sides in bed if your DH is more likely to be sticter?

Original poster

pjmama · 15/08/2011 09:01

He creeps into our bed without waking if there's only one of us in there (DH sometimes sleeps in the spare room, mostly because of the broken sleep issue and he has to be alert at work). If both DH & I are in our own bed, (which is obviously how we prefer it!), then there's no way we can have him in with us - he wakes us by climbing over us to get into the middle and then does a starfish for the rest of the night!

The mattress on the floor has worked for the last two nights, he's got in there and gone back to sleep without waking us which has been blissful. I have no idea how long he's going to feel the need to do that for, but for now we just need to get our sleep.

I'm going to continue to promise him the reward star if he stays in his own bed as that is the ultimate goal. If he can manage to stay asleep in his own bed all night, then we'll be able to let him have sleepovers and grandparents which from a purely selfish point of view would be bloody lovely!

OP posts:

zipzap · 15/08/2011 09:21

Have you tried role playing it with him and his teddies/little people/playmobil people etc?

Maybe if you did it together you might find out what your ds is thinking when he comes into you... Your person could be all exceed about getting his reward after sleeping each night and the mummy be all happy because they have slept well. He might say about silly charts and best thing is a mummy cuddle or pillow is cold or whatever and give you something to work with. And give him something to think about if he sees something different happening...

Mumwithadragontattoo · 15/08/2011 10:57

I honestly would just close the door. Couldn't it be that you are disturbing him with noise or light and that is why he doesn't sleep well? I always close my kids' bedroom doors and they sleep soundly. My DS doesn't if the door is open.

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