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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that people shouldn't keep telling me I'm secretly 'getting the wedding I always wanted'

19 replies

raspberrytipple · 12/08/2011 23:21

Just a moan really. I'm getting married in a few weeks and really looking forward to it but we wanted a small wedding and it has grown somewhat although actually its still a small affair and I now think we have it just right. A friend came round tonight and made comments along the lines of 'oh your loving it really you actually wanted all this and tried to make out you didn't" (because I was nagging DP to write his speech - we weren't originally going to do speeches but my dad and DPs best man wanted to do one so it would be weird if DP didn't do it!!??). I commented that I'd actually felt very overwhelmed by it at points as it was turning into something we hadn't originally wanted. Most of what we are doing on our wedding day is borne from others expectations. My friend looked really hurt and said we should have just done what we wanted i.e. done it on our own with just our witnesses although she would have been even more hurt as she is not one of the witnesses so wouldn't have been there at all. I'm actually really happy with how we have got it now I'm just feeling a bit put out as some of the things we are doing have been because of the nagging of others who now turn around and say 'see, you wanted it really....." then follow it up with 'well, you'd regret it if you didn't.

Rant over!

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 12/08/2011 23:25

I hope you have a lovely wedding but this is part of why i never married DP.

Other people's expectations.

We have been happily unmarried now for 25 and a half years

Sharney · 12/08/2011 23:27

I feel you pain raspberry . Mine also went did go a bit "Oh my god" but 15 years later we're still together. Just remember the wedding is important but it's only a day really. Think ahead. It's a marriage.

Original poster

raspberrytipple · 12/08/2011 23:27

Thanks reeling, we have been happily unmarried for 11 years so far and for the same reasons as you. Thought I was a big enough girl now to cope with the hooo haaa but obviously not!

OP posts:

biddysmama · 12/08/2011 23:28

yanbu, i wanted a small wedding, it was taken over and ruined and not at all what i wanted and now i cant forget it, my wedding was ruined for me and i hated it all :(

Original poster

raspberrytipple · 12/08/2011 23:28

Thanks Sharney - you are right, Im much more interested in the marriage!

OP posts:

Original poster

raspberrytipple · 12/08/2011 23:30

oh no biddysmama, it happens so easily doesn't it, one minute you'vev booked to say your vows, then the next youve spent £3000 on food/venue/photographers etc because someone pulls a face at an idea you have or "suggests' something by which they actually mean 'do it or your wedding will be shit'. So sorry you didn't enjoy it at all though. Hopefully your marriage is good though?

OP posts:

Casmama · 12/08/2011 23:32

I think you need to lighten up. You say that you are doing lots of things for other peoples benefit - that is entirely your choice or your lack of ability to stand up for yourself. You say that you are happy with the way things are so why make yourself out to be some sort of martyr?

Having said that weddings are notoriously fraught affairs and I hope you have a really lovely day.

Original poster

raspberrytipple · 12/08/2011 23:38

Its a lack of ability to stand up for myself really. A girl I know has just done what we thought about doing originally, i.e. do it alone. Her family are devastated and have badgered her into having basically a wedding breakfast onwards at home anyway but her parents especially are still completely gutted and I couldn't do that to mine. I probably do need to massively lighten up though, starting to feel the stress of the happiest day of my life quickly approaching!

OP posts:

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA · 12/08/2011 23:44

Having a rant here is better than having one IRL.

I would change anything you aren't happy with then work on ignoring all the stupid comments as much as you can. You know the truth and really, that should be all that matters.

Else tell them fuck off and that you are doing it for them YOU would be happy with your original plans!

I hope you have a lovely day :)

rhondajean · 12/08/2011 23:57

Biggest mistake we made was telling our parents we were getting married.
We are both only children and it only seemed fair.

I wanted a registry office and if anyone wanted to go to the pub afterwards fine.

We had a reception for over 100. My mother had to be restrained from ordering a horse and carriage. I wore a meringue. We arrived at the hotel to find a piper we didnt know about there. There were relations invited I had never even heard of.

I have never displayed a wedding photo. We do not talk about it. We have had 12 happy years of marriage and the whole event was just a horrible but mercifully short lived experience we do not ever need to think of.

Dawnybabe · 13/08/2011 00:02

My dh didn't want any kind of fuss at all. He would only get married if we could go abroad and have a private ceremony, just the two of us. I went along with it in case he really wouldn't marry me otherwise. He's a lovely guy, just very shy and private.

I had always pictured myself getting wed in the local church with my nearest and dearest there, but I thought maybe we could have a nice blessing at a later date.

My mum died not soon after. She had been ill but she went downhill quite quickly. I still wonder if it was the shock of her first born actually going away and getting married without her there but there you go.

Although we had a nice day at the time, I have come to regret doing it that way. It's not a nice feeling.

Stick to your wishes because it's your big day and you don't want to remember it for the wrong reasons.

MrsBonkers · 13/08/2011 02:43

DH and I were happily unmarried and decided we wanted a child - I got pregnant straight away and we excitedly told both sets of parents. His parents were quite rude about it and INSISTED we get married. It was part of our LONG TERM plan anyway so after much bullying I gave in.
And I kept giving in.... on so many aspects of the day.
As pregnant, I didn't have a hen night, couldn't have a drink on the day, limited choice of dress, such a hormonal mess I sobbed through the ceremony and lots of other things. they're all really petty on their own, but together ruined the whole experience for me.
I wish I'd never done it. Its ruined my previously good relationship with my IL's and I think the lack of back up I got from DH has tainted our marriage.
I still cry sometimes when I look at the photographs.

So...

Work out what are the deal breakers for you and don't comprimise on those aspects. As for the rest of it, try and go with the flow as much as you can and make sure you and your DH(to be) get plenty of time on the day to enjoy being MR & MRS.
Hope you enjoy your day.

Morloth · 13/08/2011 04:04

Ours was fab because we decided what we wanted and did that. All paid for by ourselves so we ignored all the raised eyebrows and there were A LOT because I was a bit gothy at the time.

LolaRennt · 13/08/2011 04:23

Sorry-but unfortunatley it comes with the territory of getting married and telling people!

I genuinely don't anyone who didn't have some shit about their wedding and how A, B or C wasn't right or acceptable.

Just ignore ignore ignore!!

Congrats btw xx

Yama · 13/08/2011 04:28

I wanted a small wedding but dh talked me into a bigger do. He did most of the organising and I loved every minute of it. However, nobody would dare suggest that had gotten the 'wedding I always wanted'. Especially not anyone who knew me.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just stick up for yourself I suppose.

LtEveDallas · 13/08/2011 06:37

My first wedding was awful. Taken over by my mum and nothing like I wanted. It lasted 3 years (and in all honesty should neve have happened - I was unhappy after less than 6 months). It also cost a fortune.

My second wedding was perfect. When we told our parents we were very forceful 'we are getting married. The date is ... The place is ... I am wearing ... DH is wearing... My flowers are... The cake is... No arguing" my mum started blustering but my dad (who is the quietest man) jumped in with "Xxx you planned her last do, let her do what she wants this time" (yay dad!)

It all went off great and was the relaxed, happy, friendly affair that I'd always wanted. Even if my mother was about it!

NorksAreMessy · 13/08/2011 06:51

Why is it then that weddings are so out of control these days?

It seems that most people would like something simple, meaningful, small, personal and relaxed.
What a lot of people seem to actually GET is the opposite, expensive, huge, impersonal, overproduced and very very stressful

Where are these young women (and men too, I suppose, but it seems to be women driving it), being told that this is a good use of £30k?

raspberry I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and wish you great happiness in your marriage

Original poster

raspberrytipple · 13/08/2011 08:54

It is sad that these things get so out of hand. Our budget is starting to spiral, just with little things that I never expected to have to pay but hey ho, it's done now. Rhonda someone nearly got us a horse and carriage as a surprise but let slip so luckily we managed to avert that one. Just as well really as DP would have refused to get in it! Bit of a jump up from the taxi's we are getting in :)

It's crazy isn't, weddings are such emotional events, all just for one day and I guess I kind of feel my marriage is being judged by the amount of money we are spending on it i.e. a £30k wedding - well that couple must really love each other! lol. I think people just like to have a massive free booze up and would like you to have 'their' perfect wedding.

I've already had grief about:
*not having bridesmaids
*not having a wedding car (the thought of taking a taxi is just disgraceful! WTF??)
*not having flowers at the reception venue (I'm a balloon girl through and through)
*Not having/top table & speeches although I finally caved on that yesterday on the promise that everyone else can sit where-ever they like.
*giving the world and their wives gifts during the speeches (when tbf I have done pretty much all the organising - not giving in on that one apart from for mums and my flower girl).

I think what I was trying to get at in my OP was that I cannot believe how hard it is to a. stay sane and b. keep things in control! Feel much better today and back to being excited and not overwhelmed. My stress-out yesterday may have been due to receiving the bill from the venue - I didn't really realise how much all these 'lovely' little extras to make it a perfect day actually cost!

Sorry for the essay! :)

OP posts:

MorelliOrRanger · 13/08/2011 09:20

We haven't got married for this very reason, we've been together over 8 years and I wouldn't want a big wedding or a small wedding.

We do get comments about it, but TBH we've lasted longer than some of our married friends anyway.

Hope you have a lovely day.

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