To be getting a bit concerned about my DD's imaginary friends

[professorsnape]

My DD, age 3 and 9 months has had two imaginary friends for about the last year, called Alice and William.

The usual scenario, we've to set a place at the table for them, they get the blame for little wrongdoings, etc. When a drive past houses, it's pointing out the window and 'Oh William lives in that house there!"

My DH's parental grandfather was called William (Billy) and his maternal grandmother was called Alice. (Although i think she may have got the name Alice from Alice and Wonderland). One evening, DD said that William had left that evening to go back to his own house. I asked where he lived and she said 'in college'. Turns out said grandfather worked in the accounts department of a university!

so myself and my husband kind of jokingly thought it was a ghost. But DD said her imaginary friends were children anyway. TBH, I think they might be extensions of herself and she like to play with words, language and stories and make things up about them.

My question is this, should we concerned now due to the following: We've always kind of 'accepted' the imaginary friends and allowed her to talk about them, etc, as I reckoned it was normal at this age. She is in a montessori, seems clever for her age, seems to have lots of friends there and is doing well. But lately she's been saying she likes to play on her own or 'with William'. we just came back from holidays where she met all her cousins. We had a great time, mostly she got on great with everyone, but i notice my DD can half little fights with her cousins if they don't play games her way, etc.

I should mention I also have 1 year old ID twin DSs, and the imaginary friends came along around the same time they did. I read a lot about imaginary friends coming at a time of change, etc.

The other night, things got a but weird (and trippy to be honest!) when DD was telling us that William was beside us in his flying car when we were driving back from the montessori. She said he gave her 'white peas' to eat. She said 'you can buy them in Spar but only William can see them hidden behind the carrots'. She also said she wasn't going to share them with us!

It sounded a bit (no offence anyone) but mad. Is it time to ring a child psychologist or is all this perfectly normal? Should we take the hard line and tell her to stop the whole pretend friend thing as maybe we've encouraged it?

Sorry for long rant/story but couldn't be more concise.

My DD1 (seems mostly to be first children having these "friends") had an imaginary friend. I was a bit concerned and did loads of research. Apparently children with imaginary friends have better social skills and better imagination than their peers in the long run. May not be true but I liked it :) oh and she also happens to be very bossy so it could be a controlling thing in some way!

I would say, don't encourage it or mention the "friend" unless your dd does(only because it may confuse your dd if she aware that she is making it up and you fall in line too much), don't talk directly to the "friend" - my dd would ask me to talk to "Jack" and I would say "I can't because he's your friedn and I can't see him, you will have to tell him" etc

My DD used to spook out the nursery staff because she was so convincing with her "Jack"

There is a theory that imaginary friends may be ghost/spirit children that adults can't see (because children are considered more spiritually in tune etc) and many adults find this quite scary/freakish. My brother had a whole "imaginary" previous life that he used to talk about in great (and wierdly historically accurate) detail when he was 3.

Even if this (dubious) theory is true, then if the child is chilled out, happy and relaxed about these "friends" there doesn't appear to be a problem imho.

She will either grow out of it (as mine did at about 4.3) or grow up to be a successful Medium!

You're not over reacting, it can be freaky and I worried about mental health and all sorts with my dd, but she is fine now

Ds had imaginary friends for years 'George', 'Liz' and a few others, literally a whole family and even a pet! He would also blame them for wrong doings as well. He would talk to them, wave to them in the street etc, etc

Same as BeauFaux says i never played along with it, they was his imaginary friends and he realised that i couldnt see them or if 'they' did something wrong, seen as they were his friends, he would still have the consequences.

Imaginary friends are great, unlike cousins or anyone else with a mind of their own, as they play exactly the game you want to play, exactly by your rules!

Sounds like an awesome imagination. You should hope she never loses it!

Whether child or adult, our imaginations are limitless and the years of magical thinking are the most formative part of childhood - as a founding member of the Jesuits, St Francis Xavier said, 'give me a child until he's 7 and I'll show you the man".

Your dd's imagination cannot run away with her (only Agent's fairies/little people can do that ) and, providing you keep her grounded by adopting some of the sensible suggestions here, there's no reason for you to make your dd feel that you don't believe her, or that having imaginary friends is abnormal in any way.

TBH, I think they might be extensions of herself and she like to play with words, language and stories and make things up about them IME, caring parents are best placed to know and understand their dc and I suspect that you've hit the nail on the head with your acute observation.

izzy.

When I said I play along with DDs imaginary friends, I meant I did the 'oh did she now?', 'wow, that's really clever of her' kind of responses.

I didn't extend what she was saying or anything, more just let her tell me stuff and react in a positive way.

Most of it just blended into the rest of the imaginative crap stuff that little children come out with.

Oh I have long been used to sharing my home with a host of imaginary beings. We had Jessica, Alicia, Connor, a crab called Nacky Nacky Nacky and a flock of mallards at one point. Currently we have a baby called Noisy, who is slightly more of a pest than the others given that DS' teacher did once take me aside and ask me where the baby was and why it was called Noisy... I explained that Noisy was DS' special little brother who is magic and invisible and that was fine. The thing is with Noisy is that he has been with us for about a year and ages chronologially - DS is forever reminding me how old he is now. THough he's quite advanced for 11 months, he can drive a car and get on the tram by himself and run away and all sorts...
BTW I am not bothered in the least... DS is imaginative but a happy kid, and none of the invisible mob have ever been scary or upsetting or suggested in any way that they were acting out traumas.

Have you spoken to the nursery? See what they think

My kids go to a Montessori too - good choice!

solidgold very entertaining hearing about Noisy :)

No hairfullofsnakes haven't mentioned it to montessori as they seem to be 'at home/with the family' imaginary friends.
They're always telling me how well she is doing there, lots of friends, etc. But not a bad idea to mention it, even to get advice.

My sisters (have loads of nieces and nephews) told me none of their kids ever had imaginary friends, felt a bit like an outcast!

Am happy to see such positive responses about it here. In the bigger picture, she seems a happy child so will focus on this i suppose

I had shedloads myself (though I never thought they were 'real' and never wanted anyone else to acknowledge them.) And I write fiction now - and DS writes stories too. As long as his little playmates don't upset him and don't freak anyone else out (I did have to have a word last month when he got half a party of adults looking for Noisy, who had run off...) I would hate to think I should try to suppress this just because not everyone does it.

ds had Bubby for years, he was an alien, and at some point along came female cousin Thubby, and then Mike who was a boy like ds. Mike died around the time my dad died, I think that one's pretty obvious! They all did all kinds of things.

I never saw it as a problem given ds was fine in every other aspect of life. And now, though he admits Bubby isn't real, he's good for being an extra person in a board game and such like!!

Count yourselves lucky. My DDs have both gone through phases of "being" animals ( a horse and a cat to be specific). It didnt last long thankfully.

And when I was small, there was a dragon who lived behind the couch. To this day I remember him clearly - he wasnt made up, he was THERE - when I was three, and Ive grown up erm well reasonably well balanced (hold down a job, got an education, maintain a marriage, manage to the pay the bills etc) so she will be fine lol.

There is the possibility that she has the gift though, of course.

My DD has an invisible daddy who comes on day trips with us when "Real Daddy" isn't there. He has his own seat in cafes and I sometimes have to push him on the swings. Happy days.

I would not worry about this - I think it just shows an active imagination.

My dd, 4.5 has an imaginary dog friend. It started last year with her being a dog endlessly - replying in barks, down on all fours regularly, panting etc but this year it's developed into a dog friend. He'll appear randomly, usually around the shops so she's probably bored, and we have to tie him up outside, stop for a drink/wee, he pulls on the lead. Very bizarre!

I rather liked it-I missed them when they went! (they will go eventually).

My DD had a "friend" called Lucy, who disappeared when she started school buut can often be found "teaching" a group of children(!) dance routines (she's nearly 10, but an only child).

I used to worry but was told not too. She has an extremely imaginative mide, and writes the most amazing stories. Her last teacher wanted to live in her "world"!

Please dont worry too much

Sorry can only appologise for bad grammar in last post, and mis-spellings!
The group of children are imagainary, byw.

ds was a dog for a while... I used to get strange looks throwing a frisbee for him in the park and him going on all fours to get it, bringing it back in his mouth and then patting his head and telling him he was a good doggie.

He'll probably need therapy when he's older...

My youngest dd has an imaginary cat,morris.Morris is a real source of entertainment for us.His cousin has an I Pod and his granny got shot by hunters etc,I think I should write a book.My favorite was the day I sent her into the den to tidy up her mess,she was 3.5 at the time.I went up the hall a short while later to see her laying on floor watching TV. I told her she was suposed to be cleaning the den,the response was"Morris is doing it and he doesnt want any help"
I had to throw Morris out of the house last week as she came to me crying,aged 6 at this point, to ask what a looser was as Morris was calling her that. I told her it was not nice and Morris was going to have to live somewhere else if he was going to be so mean.Morris got run over and died the next day and I havent heard a thing about him or his imaginary family since.Poor Morris,but I reckon it was time,:o

DS1 had an imaginary friend prior to starting reception last September called "Jamie" - he was around for about a year, I think, had to lay a place for him at the table, he came round to play, slept over then disappeared about 1 month into reception. And we thought that was the end of it But...
Now, we have "Jog" - he arrived around March time, I think. He sometimes is a child, sometimes has children, lives in various places but DS1 does lots of "work" with him, drives a van, fixes cars!

We did get a bit concerned at some points but worked on the fact that he is happy and it is not doing any harm, he is sociable, has plenty of friends but was an only child until 9 months ago so we figured it was company for him. We did mention it at school - mostly because he kept going on about going to work and we did not want his teachers to think that we had him doing child labour after school and at weekends - they also asked about them when he went for his taster days before starting reception!

Ds has an IF called Mousy .Ds is now 6 and Mousy only now appears at times of change/stress.In fact I use Mousy as an effective emotional barometer with ds.When he pops up in conversation I listen to ds just that little bit closer.

My DD (age 3.3) also has an imaginary friend called Cara (it's Irish for friend, though she doesn't know that; weird). She lives in DD's faraway house, drives a purple car & has a willy

Like a lot of other posters have said of their DCs, DD has a very active imagination, which I love. (Although I always seem to get the dud roles in her pretend games; the wicked queen to her Snow White, Miss Hannigan to her Annie, Shrek to her Fiona!)

Has never even crossed my mind to worry about it. Am sure your DD will leave William & Alice behind, just as my DD will forget about Cara!

Actually DS has an entire world called [DS]-land, full of animated trains, railway lines and level crossings. We should all bear in mind that a lot of best-selling and critically-acclaimed authors were a bit like this as kids and there is nothing wrong with it (unless the child is distressed by it, in which case it is a visible symptom of something else that's upsetting the child and even then what needs addressing is the something and not the child's way of processing it).

Ds had an imaginary friend at around age 3. His name was Daniel and they met at the factory ds worked in making cheese sandwiches. (We did move house around this time so maybe that had something to do with it).

I think Daniel was around for about a year until he was just forgotten