Crazy In-Laws moments

[sharp01]

I am 6 months pregnant with my 1st child and already have what can only be described as the longest list possible for 'ridiculously stupid & patronising conversations with the in-laws'.

I don't wish to be horrible, they are lovely people and cannot do enough for anyone but they have a habit of been 'too involved' & overstepping boundaries etc. I think self absorbed would be a good description, they believe that everyone thinks they are 'wonderful' & are pleased when they are there...

Luckily my DP is very understanding when it comes to his parents but I try to remain aware that at the end of the day, they ARE his parents and there is only so much one should say. However, how long am I supposed to put up with idiotic comments like:

• The FIL calling OUR child, HIS baby (and conveniently ignoring any remarks I might make).
• The MIL asking what names we are thinking of & then asking if we're joking (and then telling friends and family that we must be joking about it).
• Calling round to see the nursery (although at the times in question, it was an empty room with some colour on the wall)!

-The MIL making snarky comments about us having already wetted the baby's head since we didn't find out until 5 weeks along. -Both of them asking if I am looking after myself properly & then commenting that I'll have THEM to answer to it I am not!!!

• Getting snarky because I'm not swooning over been pregnant & telling everyone what a wonderful experience it is.

-Telling me they will want to touch my belly to feel kicking (even though I do not like my personal space been invaded by anyone other than DP).

To make matters worse, the MIL has taken it upon herself to book a week off work to spend with me and baby once DP has returned to work...which means that unless I make myself unavailable I am stuck with the woman. It also creates tension with my mother as apparently 'technically, it's her job'. This will be once our baby is 3 wks old, I don't think I should have to go out just to avoid seeing her.

Even more annoyinly, me and the DP are marrying in September but the plan to run off alone was scuppered once we realised that his parents had his birth certificate nicely hidden somewhere at their house & no amount of searching could find it. So now, the MIL is telling anyone who will listen that we really did want them there to share our special day because otherwise, we would have found a way around it....

I think it's possibly the 'smug look' she gets when doing all the above, like it's some kind of Mother Theresa Complex that really pisses me off.

I just can't be ar*ed anymore. Is this was my life is going to be like from now on. Do we suddenly have to have an Open Door Policy when it comes to my DP's family? Am I surrounded by crazy do-gooders? Do I just have to 'grin and bare it'?

BananaGrabber - There is definitely a difference between maternal mum and MIL. For me and I think many other people your mum cares about you, wants you to be happy, wants to help you in the first few weeks of a baby's life.
MIL's, as they are not your mum, and as their child (the dh) will not need so much support comes across as making it all about them being new grandparents and will not respect and look after the new mum in the same way as the maternal mother.

OP - I had the ILs stay for 2 days on days 3-5 and it was a disaster. I got so upset with things after this visit and their next at 10 weeks (they were asked back before 10 weeks but wouldn't come as they wanted us to travel to see them) that it really affected my relationship with them. Badly. We're just, just starting to get on track now and dd is now 17 months...

There shouldn't be a difference between maternal and paternal grandparents though

Certainly agree that there is a one heck of a difference between maternal mum and mil.
You are going to be the main carer of the newborn- not sexism, just women tend to do most of the work, and even if the care is split between parents equally, the woman is the only one who has been through and recovering from giving birth, so naturally, this should be with somebody she feels completely comfortable with and, chances are, this person will be her own mother and not her mil.

Your mil should not visit for a whole week- is the woman so thick-skinned she cannot see this? I hope somebody here gives good advice on how you can best tell her this with minimal damage.

Wamster - it should be the DP that tells his mother she can't stay for a week imo.

Agreed, pommedechocolat, he should be the one doing the actual telling, but sharp01 may need words to express how she feels to him without sounding too horrid.

Perhaps ask your FIL when it was you had sex together? Never? Right so it ISNT your baby then. Sounds a bit shocking, but might get the point through.

MIL coming to stay for a week: 'I'm so pleased you're coming. That means you can do all the cooking and cleaning and washing for the week because I'll be busy looking after the baby.'

I know exactly what you mean re: them getting snarky because you're not squealing with excitement about being pregnant. FFS! Yes it's exciting but babies aren't the be all and end all of life.

Def need to set some boundaries. I'm no good at suggesting how to do it though.

(typing one-handed, baby on lap)

I've recently been there, dp's parents' attitude to me changed markedly when I was pg. They came out with some odd stuff. "MIL" (not married) wanted to talk about how awful babies are, disabled babies that people had, how difficult they were (I'm late 30s)... oh and I wouldn't be able to breastfeed so don't try (apparently only really fat people can breastfeed, don't you know?)

rant over

time to practice assertiveness - unless you're happy for them to decide if you want gas & air or an epidural, what to name your baby..

you'll want to make your own decisions about how to bring up your child, I recommend getting DP on board now, make it clear that you do / don't want certain things and it's his role to spot and deal with any nonsense from his parents

many threads on aibu are a case of miscommunication or not being clear about expectations - let people know what they can expect and hopefully you can talk about any differences of opinion and present a united front with dp rather than have mil making snarky comments

redexpat - Brilliant. OP if you have the guts do use the FIL one - it's genius!

re: visits. I had stated upfront that we'd see how things were after the birth then arrange visits.

anyone who doesn't respect this and doesn't see that a baby's NEEDS are prioritised over visitors' DESIRES.. well I'm not bothered about keeping them happy

worked out well - ds and I needed time to recover from delivery and establish bf

also re: first week, you may have massive emotional swings when your milk comes in, time to be with people you're comfortable with

you'll also have midwife visits and be generally busy enough without visitors who aren't helpful, overstay their welcome

also, ime maternal gp are concerned to see their daughter is ok after childbirth, not necessarily the same for paternal gp

Whilst i can understand peoples desires to be alone after the birth of their child i dont get this 'thing' some people have with mils?

Surely they can cook,clean Make cups of tea in just the same capacity as the maternal Nana?

Also i think some people need to remember that if it wasnt for their actual Mil then they would have no dp/dh to be having babies with.

And whilst i am on one,why do the bloody fils never get the same amount of blame as the mils on here?

The fils don't get the blame because the dils don't feel they are as much of a problem than mils.
Men don't seem, generally speaking, to have as much problem with the notion of their sons going off and founding families of their own. They accept it and are almost never in competition with dil.

Sure, fils can be a pain in the arse- but this is usually down to a character fault such as gambling or excessive alcohol intake rather than a dil- related problem.

As a perennial PIL-complainer to anyone who will listen (!) I have come to the conclusion that the main issue is my DH and the fact that while they may give him a message to pass on, he may forget to do so. And he's not very good at keeping them in the loop. And whereas I can be open and honest with my own parents I can't be to the same extent with my PIL and DH, bless him, would rather eat his own head than be the same with his. He is getting better and I have found ways of dealing with them that keeps my frustration in check.
I have to say that rather than setting ground rules, all I wish I had done when our DD was born is maybe speak to them in the same way that I would speak to my own parents - i.e. not be afraid to ask for my baby back, or disagree with them - instead of trying to be polite and ending up stewing with irritation. But that also means making sure they get all the news and pictures as your own parents will. And get your DH to engage properly - men are very good at letting you sort things out but you'll have enough on your plate without taking responsibility for your PIL too.

For example, you'll get threads like :' My fil is a hopeless gambling addict' but you don't usually get threads like: 'My fil insists on us going over there for lunch' or 'My fil thinks that my dh should spend as much time with him as he does me and the dc's'.

Actually my fil is a complete twat & mil who has since passed away used to keep him in check a little,now for reasons only he will know he is a twat & the less i have to do with him & sil the better.

I just hope i have a better relationship with my future dil than a lot of people on here,myself included.

They sound excited & I think a lot of the comments are just things that some people say.

But you must put your foot down about them touching your belly & staying when they want to.

I didn´t want my own mother to move in to "help", let alone MIL.

And the thought of FIL touching my belly-OMG-vomit!!

Yes, but is he a twat because of jealousy of your relationship with your husband and because he feels he has to compete with you or is it the case that your fil is just a twat for reasons that have nothing to do with how he feels about you and your relationship with him?

Hmm,i think he is just a twat & has favoured sil over dh all the time,even down to the gc now.

Latest twattery is telling all the gc he is paying to take us ALL to Disney in Florida,cus ds telling everyone he is really going in real life (his exact words) to see Lightning McQueen,to now only taking sil & her 2 dds to Disney this Monday,we only found out because he came round with a card for ds' bday last week with eldest gd & she told us she was going.

Words cannot express how much i hate what he has done,i confronted him over it the next day & he confirmed it was true.

So basically he is a twat & i dont know why.

Yes, he does sound an unpleasant horrible guy.

My ex MIL was a PITA from the day I told her I was pregnant. It was all baby, baby , baby. She wanted to choose the name, decide how it was fed and what it would wear before my DS was even born.

When I had both my DC, it was MY DM that I wanted, the woman that I trusted to help me with my baby. She came and stayed with me for a week after each child and she was a godsend. She looked after me, so I could look after my baby. My PIL's were only interested in the baby, even bringing random friends to my home so they could "meet my baby"

If it was my exh that was carrying the baby and giving birth to it and dealing with all the crap in those first couple of weeks then she would have been welcomed in our house.

Mind you my track record with PIL's is awful as it will be a cold day in hell before I would let my current PIL's anywhere near me

Last year my MIL had kids for our anniversary weekend, when I went to collect them on the Sunday morning she was making them all breakfast.
She buttered her and FIL's toast with lurpak then went back to fridge and got out some own brand crap butter with the price on (it cost 13p a tub, lol) and put that on the kids bread, when I asked what was with the lurpak exclusionshe said in a truly trunchbal moment "MUCH TO GOOD FOR CHILDREN"

OP the best thing I ever did when my LO was born was write a big sign for the front door that said "Do not knock or disturb for any reason, new mum and/or baby are sleeping - no exceptions for anyone or anything, do not disturb."

The PILs were badly affronted by it. It was their fault that I needed it.

If they have a key to your house, change your locks, and get a phone with an answer machine and a ringer you can turn off.

Then learn this mantra - "you can come for an hour on this date and time but then we need you to go" followed by "no, we can't change it" and "no you can't come earlier and leave later" and "we need this time to bond as a family." If you don't have time for that just stick to "No...no...no...NO!"

Oh, and the big sign still gets used now (LO is nearly 2 1/2) and it still works. I'll stop using it when he leaves home

YABU they sound like they are excited there will be a new addition.
Set some boundaries and count yourself lucky you don't have my inlaws.

The MIL asking what names we are thinking of & then asking if we're joking (and then telling friends and family that we must be joking about it).

LMAO at this.
My MIL refused to call our youngest by his name until he was at least 18 months old and she gave up. She just called him 'the baby' because she hated his name and hadn't picked the name she liked!!!