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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit perplexed with friend?

42 replies

pink4ever · 11/08/2011 18:47

I have a very good friend who had her 3rd dc four months ago. Dc is exclusively bf. Friend is having a very hard time as she is up at least 5 times a night. She quite frankly looks ill and like she needs a night off.

I suggested to her she could begin to express as at least that way her dh could do some of the night time feeds. Also gps live very near by and I know they would love to watch the baby for a few hours while my friend caught up on sleep. I also offered her my own unused breast pump-I couldnt bf due to shite nipples(btw this is not a bf v ff thread-I support bf)

Friend says she doesnt want to express as cant be bothered faffing about with bottles(again I offered her bottles,steriliser etc). Am I BU to be perplexed by this decision?. To me her catching up on a bit of sleep is worth the small amount of "hassle" that expressing would entail.

I am worried that friend is slighty pnd as she often looks weepy/stressed. Yes before I get flamed I know this is entirely normal(3 dcs) but she did say her hv had also mentioned the possibility.

What else can I do to help? I would be able to look after baby for her if she expressed and have told her I would love to do so.

OP posts:

rockinhippy · 12/08/2011 00:02

YANBU for wanting to help, but I think you are going to just have to let your friend do it her way & keep an eye on her as far as expressing etc goes.

but it might be worth suggesting or even getting as a gift - one of those bouncy baby chairs ( can't remember the correct term right now) -

I had one for DD, I think it was Mammas & Pappas, but it had sounds & vibrations that mimicked breathing & heart beat - my own DD sounds similar to your friends new DC, in that she didn't sleep well & wouldn't let me put her down at all without screaming the house down (not even with DH :( -

I got this chair when DD was a few weeks old & so wish I had done it sooner it was an absolute godsend - for the first time since giving birth I could wash, go to the loo etc etc, without having to juggle her, or get all stressy because of her screaming - it really did make a massive difference :)

Morloth · 12/08/2011 05:33

IME bottles and pumps etc are far harder work, than latching the baby on and going back to sleep.

I hated expressing, really hated it, could never get more than about 30mls at a time. Was a huge PITA.

hairfullofsnakes · 12/08/2011 05:44

You sound like a lovely friend but yabu! I found expressing a faf too and it was far better for me to just feed on demand. At four months it is still early
Days and so it will be a lot of bf here and there so that is normal
And she seems to know that. Drop going on about expressing, if she wanted to, she would. Just keep being the lovely friend you are and things will get easier in terms of bf as baby gets older. She knows what she is doing and it is a normal part of feeding a bf baby.

ZonkedOut · 12/08/2011 08:13

I expressed a fair bit with DD1 and she would only ever take a bottle from me, so it was all a big faff for nothing. For DD2, I haven't even bothered to get the pump out yet (she is 4.5 months) because it doesn't seem worth it, and also because I enjoy BFing. Though I don't have to get up 4-5 times a night.

I'm sure she appreciates the offer though, and you sound like a lovely friend.

Whatmeworry · 12/08/2011 08:26

You were NU offering her your stuff and NU to be worried but she won't be the last batshit daft irrational Mum around who gets some bee in her bonnet and makes her own life hard. I've seen it over and over again.

But it's not really your job apart from giving advice and support where you can.

BBQFrenzy · 12/08/2011 08:44

Although I had a sufficient milk supply otherwise it used to take me about 30 minutes to get 3oz out in total if I expressed - I had to express over the course of several weeks to save enough milk for the GPs to have my then 6 month old for 24 hours. I had a friend who kept insisting I should express - makes everything so much easier blah blah blah (she's lovely but she is also v bossy) until having explained it didn't work for me I eventually had to say Look you found expressing easy (she has 3 DCs and had problems with leaking - I never leaked) but it doesn't work for everyone! She did then back off but ffs after weeks of this and no sleep, to keep being told something is the solution despite you explaining why it makes things harder for you, is extremely frustrating. To me all expressing did was prevent me being able to sleep while my baby was sleeping in the hope of a longer sleep at some point in the future - i just didn't have that patience - I preferred less sleep now rather than a promise of more sleep later.

If everyone's experiences of bfing are so different (I got lucky with no mastitis or cracked nipples but will always wince when I hear other's experiences) why wouldn't their experiences of expressing be all v different too?

PenguinArmy · 12/08/2011 08:46

expressing for a reason (work or social night out) is different to getting rest though

Does she co-sleep?

ProfYaffle · 12/08/2011 08:53

I could never express either, had tons of milk but could never express more than 2oz. Plus dd1 wouldn't take a bottle anyway so it was a pointless faff. I used to hate those bf leaflets which would breezily say 'just express some milk if you want a night out!' it was never that easy.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/08/2011 09:16

I had crap nipples to and had to express. It did really help that my DH was able to do night feeds!

I found though that I just about managed to express enough for every feed for my first dc, but not for my second as I found it impossible to find the time as I had dc1 to look after as well. Still feel guilty!

Jacanne · 12/08/2011 09:18

Pink, you could offer to come round and hold the baby while she gets on with the housework. I know that housework isn't that important but I have been in a similar position to your friend - my 3rd dd has reflux - and sometimes the mess in my house has tipped me over the edge - when you're constantly dealing with a small baby you sometimes just want to be able to do ordinary things yourself. My Mum comes round once a week to play with dd so that I can get on with my housework - it has really helped.

Morloth · 12/08/2011 09:18

I once had a mum at a group tell me quite sternly that I was obviously not producing enough milk for my baby if I could only express such a tiny amount.

Giant Sumo baby was right there.

dribblywibbly · 12/08/2011 09:22

My MW advised me to express, as I was so tired and needed to catch up on sleep. I told her that I was worried about nipple confusion, but she said that was a myth and babies would suck anything that went near their mouth. Being a first time mum (and sooo tired!), I gave it a try and DH fed DS some of my expressed milk. The result - DS preferred taking milk from a bottle as he got it quicker and didn't have to do any work. Whenever I tried to put him to the breast afterwards he would scream and not take to it. I stopped breastfeeding when he was 4 weeks old, and I'm still so sad about it. I genuinely believe that I would have still been breastfeeding now (at 14 weeks), if I hadn't listened to MW.
So maybe your friend is worried about introducing the bottle because of this.

dribblywibbly · 12/08/2011 09:23

Sorry, that was meant to be HV, not MW!

Whatmeworry · 12/08/2011 10:07

IMO the most important thing is getting enough sleep, as I think so much else stems from it, and the whole breast vs bottle issue is secondary to that - especially if the DC is a screamer.

Catslikehats · 12/08/2011 10:15

As others have said expressing is a huuuuuge faff and I have a surfeit of milk

When DC4 was born she wouldn't feed properly and so I had to feed/express/cup feed. Combined with then having to immediately wash and sterilise pump the cycle is relentless and the pay off is small. I would find it almost impossible to relax and sleep properly worrying about whether my baby would settle with a bottle.

If you want to help perhaps take the older kids out - I find that is the biggest help.

bonkers20 · 12/08/2011 10:38

YABU. Please don't encourage your friend to express. You do sound lovely and caring, but expressing is a PITA. There are loads of ways she can catch up with sleep which don't involve expressing. She sounds like quite a private person who likes to manage on her own so it might be hard. In her position taking the older 2 children off to the park would be perfect.

It sounds like she wants to keep the baby with her.

biddysmama · 12/08/2011 23:24

i can only express a few oz as well, yet i can tandem feed, while pregnant

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