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AIBU?

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Original poster

To "keep a eye" on bil's gf around my dh?

55 replies

Morevodkaplease · 09/08/2011 21:30

it's not dh I have the issue with, intact he is a bit Hmm like me!

We both share a laptop at the moment so if we are having a nosey on Facebook there is a good chance it may be the other ones page that is still logged in (just clearing this up that there is no snooping involved)

Brief history is we did not speak to bil for many years (dh younger bro) we made contact a few months ago and there is a new girlfriend on the scene.

I am not shy in admitting my dh is the nicer, kinder, better looking and more successful of the two brothers (his brother is a lazy slob but that is a whole other thread) right from the first meeting I felt the gf was overfriendly with dh and he said after we left she was to full on for his liking. I put it down to just the way she was but now it seems to be stepping up a gear.

On a recent day out she would not leave dh's side, was getting quite awkward how she always had to be next to him or sitting beside him, now he has started receiving private Facebook messages from her. Nothing at all sinister but just friendly banter and asking how he is etc (never any mention of me or dc)

It's starting to niggle at me now, why send private messages she already replies to anything he puts on his wall so why not just put up a public post?

I'm not worried at all about anything happening between them dh finds it as odd as me but bil and her have a child together plus dh has just started talking to bil again and I don't want anything/one to cause a rift between then again.

Not sure if I should casually mention I see all her messages and hope that makes her think twice or if I am a complete loon and she is naturally just a flirt?

OP posts:
Bandwithering · 10/08/2011 15:58

Agree with all that's been said. But if she steps it up a notch I'd pull her to one side and say "bilsgif, I feel sorry for you Sad head to one side in sympathetic way'. why she'll say? because you are giving the impression that you're unhappy in your relationship by being more 'attentive' to your bil than to partner. It's kind of pitiful.

Say it really sweetly though, with your voice dripping concern

howabout · 10/08/2011 16:00

Last time I suggested my DH might want to thump someone on my behalf for making unwanted advances he told me he had every confidence in my ability to sort it out and he wasn't at all surprised someone else realised I was the best there is - also he was too busy with his train set to be disturbed. Perhaps you could try that approach with getting your DH to manage to protect his virtue.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/08/2011 17:38

Aah facebook.

AF is right you cant steal a man.

You know yourself if he is the type to cheat.

One of DHs friends cheats every so often, but then thats how he met his wife so what did she expect?. Same as DHs sister, cheated to be with DN father who then shagged everything that moved for 15 years, honestly we do set ourselves up sometimes.

Original poster
Morevodkaplease · 10/08/2011 17:58

I know he is not the type to do it.

He has had plenty opportunity with his job as he works away but he spends his time on the phone to dc and I or watching old westerns and reading sci fi novels (painting a very poor picture of him here Grin)

I'm not daft though, I know he is capable of cheating but he knows that would be it between us so the choice is his.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 18:06

love, nobody is saying he is about to shag your BIL's gf's brains out

but I can't be doing with men who won't speak up for themselves, and leave it for their partners to do their dirty work

he should have been very clear with her from the start

I expect it didn't do his ego much harm though, did it ?

which will be further inflated by you "marking your territory" if you stick your nose in what is his mess to clear up

CailinDana · 10/08/2011 18:07

What does your BIL think about this? Does he not notice what's happening? TBH it's him I feel sorry for - it mustn't be nice for him to see his GF slobbering over his brother in such an obvious way.

As for your DH, he should probably just continue to ignore her if that's what he's comfortable with. It's not your problem unless you think he's having an affair which you're pretty sure he's not.

CailinDana · 10/08/2011 18:13

AF I think you're being a little harsh. Her DH is trying to deal with this by ignoring her, which is probably the best approach given the delicate situation with his brother. It's very hard to get an overly forward person to back off without being openly rude. He probably doesn't know what else to do, I wouldn't in his situation.

LolaRennt · 10/08/2011 18:15

AF The BIL and DH already have a strained relationship, presumably the OP wouldn't be looking for tactful ways to say back the hell off my husband otherwise... The op has subtly let this woman know that dh doesn't see her advances as somthing to hide from his wife

LolaRennt · 10/08/2011 18:16

xpost with cailin

Original poster
Morevodkaplease · 10/08/2011 18:17

He is not leaving me to do his dirty work though anyfucker.

If he tells her to stop sending private messages and it is all innocent on her part then it could cause even more upset in the family.

I dont care if they don't like me but I would like dh to at least have a relationship with his nephew and not cause a argument over nothing.

I don't think bil knows any of this so far, we have only met up a couple of times and most of the messages have happened since the last meeting, they don't talk on the phone so dh won't have had a chance to mention it.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 10/08/2011 18:22

Vodka, hasn't your BIL noticed his gf's eagerness to be near your DH? If she's very forward I would have expected him to be quite obviously put out by it, or is it more subtle than that?

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 18:23

If you trust your husband I wouldn't get involved at all. If your dh wants he can easily give the hint that he has no interest in a one on one friendship with her. If she sits next to him he can make polite chat and then say 'just off to find my wife'. He can keep his replies to her messages brief and businesslike. The fact you are concerned about this makes it look as if you don't trust your husband 100% tbh.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 18:27

exactly, MQ

this is for the bloke to sort out

and I don't think I am being harsh

if some bint was coming on to my DH, I would expect him to deal with it...not my problem, mate, especially if you've been too "thickskinned" to see what was coming

really, some of you have poor opinions of men

CailinDana · 10/08/2011 18:32

I can see where you're coming from AF but from my point of view it's nothing to do with a bad opinion of men really. I've been in the reverse situation - where a guy has been overly friendly to me and I've had to nip it in the bud. In one instance I did let it go on too long, and my DH might have felt threatened (he never said so though). My not stopping it sooner wasn't because I'm an idiot or expected my DH to do it for me, it was because he was being friendly and he was a nice person so I was friendly back and he took this to mean more than I intended. It's very hard to turn to someone who's being friendly and tell them to back off if they're not really done anything untoward. It can seem very rude and paranoid.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 18:35

I wouldn't tell anyone to back off. The dh just needs to be polite - nothing else. He's under no obligation to spend one on one time with her. The op getting involved will just make her look jealous and give the bils gf reason to believe she thinks of her as a threat and is in with a chance. If the op really does trust her husband she should just let him deal with it.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 18:36

nobody needs to tell anyone to "back off bitch "

your DH just needs to man up, and make it plain he is not interested

it doesn't look like he has done that so far

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 18:39

I just don't get the need to 'keep an eye' on the bils gf. It takes 2 to tango and if you genuinely trust your dh then nothing can happen. You should be privately having a good old laugh at how pathetic she is being.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/08/2011 18:40

Agree with AF. Anything you do to intervene, OP, just looks like you don't trust your DH and are 'warning her off'. All it would need would be for your DH to say how much he loves his family and how lucky he is and she'll get the message. Anything you do will give the opposite impression, that you're desperately trying to hang on to him and think he'll run off... and she'll see that as a challenge.

I don't believe that he didn't realise; I think he did the typically male thing of 'head in the sand'. Either way, he has to sort it out, he's the only one who can, you'll just inflame the situation until she builds it up in her head into a 'Romeo/Juliet' thing.

Why would it mess up his relationship with his brother anyway? Surely the GF won't want his brother to know that she's been making advances? It doesn't make sense. If your DH tells her to 'back off' now, nobody needs to know anything.

Original poster
Morevodkaplease · 10/08/2011 20:23

The "keep a eye" bit was because I/we don't know at this stage if we is starting to make advances or just being friendly.

I was asking advice as I am not sure, I don't want to make a fuss over nothing but at the same time I would rather put a stop to it now rather than risk dh losing contact with db/dn.

Bit of extra info- bil is trying to get clean from drugs and there is neglect problems involving dn. Dh is trying his hardest to be supportive and feeling guilty about the years he was not there. I'm not wanting this to get blown out of proportion and things to take a step backwards.

The gf is not the mother of dn so it my eyes has less to lose by causing any bother.

OP posts:
MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 20:26

But how would it cause a rift if your dh has done nothing wrong? He doesn't need to be rude to her just offer her no encouragement whatsoever. Surely your bil couldn't get mad at him for that? You can't control whether the gf is going to 'cause bother' or not and I really don't see how you getting involved would make that any less likely.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 20:27

isn't it keep an eye ?

I'm not usually a spelling pedant, but that's twice you've used that phrase now...is it me ? Grin

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 20:28

OP getting involved at all would make it more likely to "cause bother" IMO

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 20:30

Also I'm not exactly sure what you propose to do that your dh can't do for himself?

Original poster
Morevodkaplease · 10/08/2011 20:36

No idea anyfucker.

Spelling and punctuation are not my strong points sadly.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 20:38
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