Have name changed for this as never post about anything personal...bit scared. Hope not too long.
First a bit of context. My mother is a very complicated lady...she has had a difficult upbringing which I believe has led to a mild personality disorder. She has a chequered history of anorexia in her teenage years, self harm (more recent), alcohol abuse etc. This has led to very difficult periods in our relationship which culminated in a period of complete estrangement a few years ago (I tried to confront her about some of the aspects of her behaviour/our relationship which had become intolerable to me and she reacted by flying into a rage, drinking continuously and making abusive phone calls). I saw a couple of counsellors at the time to help me deal with the immense guilt I felt at ending our relationship. HOWEVER she has been, in many ways a wonderful mother...she was unquestionably loving and devoted when we were younger and my sister and I are reasonably well balanced with many wonderful traits and hobbies that I would attribute to our mother's influence. We reconstructed our relationship a few years back which has been largely helped by the fact that mum is now much, much better...her behaviour has regulated, I no longer feel I am treading on eggshells around her and she is less manipulative.
The problem is that she lives a 10 hour drive away (through her own choice) and since I have had DD she comes to stay for 5-6 night stretches a few times a year. This is simply too much for me to handle - I just find her to be an intensely irritating woman...I can't even begin to describe how without typing for hours but she is very self-centred, she still drinks more than I am comfortable with, she talks constantly and she is still deeply insecure which comes out in all sorts of ways. However, her heart is completely in the right place, she is kind, she is very helpful (she cooks and cleans and helps with DIY) and has done so much work on herself that is admirable. Because I find her visits so draining I want to suggest that she limits the length of them but I know she will find this deeply offensive and take it as a personal rejection...she will ask why and without directly attacking her personality (which seems really, really unfair as she cannot help the way she is and for once none of it is nasty, just irritating) I will be unable to give her a reason. She will also feel very sad that I am restricting the time she spends with DD who she adores.
I feel trapped and in order to compensate I know I am passively aggressive when she is here (which is also unfair) then feel hugely guilty when she leaves as she has really done nothing wrong, in fact has helped a great deal, and yet I have been unable to be all that nice to her. I honestly feel that if she lived closer and I could see her more frequently but for less time things would be so much better.
Hope that makes sense...it feels quite complex to me and I'm not sure I've captured everything. I've talked it over endlessly and just thought maybe some new perspective might help!