I honestly don't know whether IABU or not, please advise me

[myrosynose]

OK so I have two dc aged 7 and 9

we are permanently estranged from my mother and my dc are aware of it - the older one has a few memories of her and they occasionally mention that "we don't see grandma"

we still see a lot of my dad and the kids ADORE him

he has a partner now, I have known her for years as his friend and they have got closer and closer

which is lovely, I am delighted for him and he is so much happier

BUT I am feeling uneasy and I need advice

she is an ex-teacher and has gradually got more and more "assertive" with my kids - I don't mind other adults reminding them about manners etc but it is going a little further than I am happy with - she is being a bit too strict, in front of me as well

she and my dad are taking the kids out for the day today so I can get a bit of cleaning done - I am very grateful for this, I really am and it will be great for the kids

but she was laying down really stringent ground rules - they are only allowed an ice cream, no need for any other threats - they will stop for chips but when my dad suggested they might like a fishcake she squawked at him that they didn't NEED it

petty I know but...

and this morning when she was warning dc about behaving well she said "because then next time Grandma and Grandad come down...."

she has never referred to herself as Grandma before and I have not suggested it.. I am not happy with it tbh

probably because I was made to call my stepfather dad and I was fineigled into my kids calling him grandpa (before the estrangement) and I just feel really strongly that it is easier and more painless for children if everybody just sticks to the truth about who they are

AIBU? Probably but I feel really upset and out of control about it, dh is away for two weeks for work and the house is a tip because we had a holiday, then we all had food poisoning, then we went to a festival - "grandma" is expecting to come back to a clean tidy house this evening because I have the child-free time today

I can't explain what is bugging me, perhaps MNers will be able to get to the heart of it? I am ready to be lambasted as well

My stepchildren call me by my first name, and always have, but refer to me as their stepmother if talking about me and describing my relationship to them. Their children call me "nanny " as I am married to their childrens grandad.

Hun, you need to completely separate in your head the issue with calling your stepdad "Dad", and the whole "grandma" thing. Whilst they may seem like a similar issue to you, in fact they are very different.

fuzzy if the children had initiated it, or even if she had opened a discussion with me about it, then I don't think I would be feeling like this

and it is unfortunate that "grandma" was my mother's title

it is all very raw and painful for me

This does sound awfully like behaviour that you might be able to shrug off / cope with by being a bit assertive - if you hadn't had all the crap from your mum when you were growing up. But because you did, this behaviour from your dad's dp is much much harder for you to do deal with, iyswim?

If I dig deep, I think the children probably would be OK with giving her a grandparent title if they were given the choice

but I don't like the way she just came out with us, I feel disrespected, manipulated by the way that happened

and I honestly don't have enough objectivity to know whether my feelings are unfair or not

and it worries me that she puts herself squarely in that role and then the relationship doesn't work out - they aren't married or anything

my children will get hurt, again

and I don't like feeling as though MY sovereignty over the children is being twisted out of my grasp in small ways all the time - that's awful of me, isn't it?

I luv MN

I was desperate to talk this over, and dh is away for two weeks whic is making me feel even more exposed

It does sound like you have a sore point about respect and control - probably childhood related if you have parent issues. I would be honest with her, wherever you can. It is awkward but your DC must come first and protecting them, however you see fit is the right approach.

Just a thought, but if the DC want to give her a 'grandparent' title rather than calling her eg. Joyce, how about they call her something different to Grandma, for example Nan or Nanna, that then clearly differentiates her from your mother who is Grandma.

FWIW my DP's Mum remarried and her step grandchildren call her Aunty insertname, seems to work really well, they know she's not really their Aunty but it makes her feel part of their family and vice versa IYSWIM.

I had A similar issue with my mother-in-law trying to take control of how I disciplined my daughter. Reprimanding her if I didn't or before I even got there. And it all started when DD was 3 months old and she gave her custard even though I had said she wasn't ready for solids.
One day DD was having a tantrum and I was about to go and deal with it. My mother-in-law was about to open her lips, I looked her in the eye and said " I am here you know?" She never bothered me again. Let her know where you stand. Maybe she thinks she is helping.

its not about your feelings on the name grandma, it should be about the childrens. If they see her as such and like the name, it shouldn't be a problem. After all, she is fulfilling that role for them.

On the other stuff, well thats a minefield.

I don't think yabu, especially about the Grandma thing. Clearly you are uncomfortable with the DCs calling her Grandma, so I think you really need to discuss it, ideally with your DFs DP or with your DF if that's easier. I would worry the DCs will see her as having replaced your DM iyswim, as they'll see that first we don't talk to grandma anymore, then another 'grandma' comes along instead, and that's quite a confusing message.

Unfortunately I think things will only get worse unless you discuss it now. Try to keep it light and not seem like you're blaming her.

She is being pretty disrespectful - and I am not surprised that you feel on edge - it appears to be pretty much the same kind of behaviour that your mum employed.

I can understand your unease - awkward to explain but what you would expect from a new addition to the family would be a bit of softly-softly: the recognition that they aren't the grandparent, that it's your family that they are 'coming in to'. Whereas this woman is striding in in her hobnail boots, so to speak!

I think that you are looking into the future and are seeing a controlling, bossy individual inserting herself into it and making it a lot less pleasant for you and your children. Not unreasonable at all.

I think that (in the politest way possible) you do need to assert yourself. This is your family and your children - this is a new person, and it is not unreasonable at all - quite the opposite - to let it be known that you will not be walked all over, that whilst there is give and take you also have no intention of letting her steamroller all over you.

I would pull her up next time you catch her dictating to the children, for a start. She is being quite rude on laying down the law so enthusiastically - the fishcake thing would have had me intervening, I'm afraid - so she sees herself as being more in charge than their own granddad? I would have been saying with a smile at that point, 'No, they may not need a fishcake, but WE don't have a problem with them having one if they want one. Is there a particular reason you don't want MY children to have one?' (steely smile).

She may be unaware that she is coming over as bossy - it might only take a couple of pointed comments to make her realise that if she wants to be 'Grandma' so badly, she needs to not get Mum's back up from the off!

Can you talk to your dad about it in private? It's not unreasonable of you to do so - it's about your relationship with him too - I assume you don't want bad feeling to drive any sort of wedge here.

About the Grandma thing. What you certainly could do is sit down with them and make it clear that Grandma is not a title you are comfortable with, for obvious reasons. Perhaps Nana... And as part of that conversation you could 'drop in' the point that it should NOT be her leading on this. As in 'If me and the children do decide that it would be appropriate for you to have a grandparent title, I do not want it to be Grandma...'

If she kicks up a stink about any of this, by the way - then your instincts are right and she is a controller. In which case, I predict distant times to come...

Whatever you do, don't ignore. It's clear from your own history that this is really bothering you - so tackle it, for your own peace of mind.

DP is normally not the kind of person who gets wound up about stuff and he has always gotten on well with his mothers husband (his parents divorced when he was an adult). When we had DS his mother began to refer to her husband as Grandad and I was quite surprised at how upset DP was about it. Although he has not mentioned it to them, he has quite obviously become frosty to him when they visit.

My mothers father remarried before I was born and his wife was always my Granny, something which my mum encouraged, even though their relationship was strained at times.

For some people this doesn't seem like an issue but for others it can be quite emotive. If you are not happy about DC calling this lady grandma best to speak to your DF now before you get more upset and it clouds your relationship with her.

Regarding the name thing, could you not all agree on a different grandma type name for her? We had grandma and granny. There's always nanny, nanna, gran.

It does sound like everything has been a bit full on recently. Food poisoning always takes it out of you. I find a clean and tidy house usually makes me feel better about the world, as does having DH home.

I feel very strongly about the names nan/grandma and granddad. I feel they belong to specific people, rather like mum and dad. My children don't know my FIL (he has died) but I wouldn't be happy with MIL's new partner being called granddad. I would feel it's not fair to FIl or to my dad.

I know that in some families this wouldn't be a problem at all but YANU to feel as you do. These are your dc, so it should be you making the decision, not a new comer into their lives.

Fwiw, she probably means no harm or insult. Teachers (and I used to be one) are predisposed to bossiness and telling children what to do. You just need to gently reassert your position on this. I would talk to my dad and let him handle her.