To be upset that he didn't bite my hand off?

[weejimmykrankie]

Brother just announced his wedding date. His best mate, who would be the obvious choice for best man, emigrated to Australia about a year ago and is not very well off. This guy knows our family and the bride very well and will be much missed at the wedding, so my other brother and I offered to fly him back, to be there as a surprise. He refused immediately, all he said in the email was that he "wouldn't be comfortable with it". There are no issues with the friendship and his work is such that time off would not be a problem. AIBU to be offended that he said no? Seems like he's letting pride get in the way.

It's a big gift for him to accept from you. I'm not surprised he felt uncomfortable.
You could ask him to think about it as you want him to be your wedding gift to your brother.

YANBU - it's not nice to be so generous and have it rejected. It sounds like he has some issues that you don't know about, but if he thinks it over he might change his mind. You could reply (making sure he knows how much he'll be missed) and just say the offer's there if he wants it.

That's exactly how we put it!

Write back and tell him how much he means to you all and that he would be very much missed. Is it the surprise part he is not comfortable with? Would he reconsider?

I agree that's a generous gift and I can understand how he might be a bit uncomfortable about accepting. My first reaction would probably be 'oh no, I couldn't possibly... etc). It's also a very long way to travel there and back, which he might not really want to do. Does he have family commitments of his own as well?

YANBU to be disappointed, but try not to be offended. If you truly want him there, it might be you can persuade him to change his mind anyway!

You offered, he declined.

No need to be offended, there are lots of possible reasons why he doesn't want to come, none of which are your business so he has just said that.

No biggy.

He's a man, he's got his male pride and it won't allow him to accept "charity". Either that or he has, as Reality said, shagged the bride.

Reality is right. It's so obvious now. There is no other possible explanation.

Maybe you could purchase the services of a hitman for your brother's wedding present?

Maybe he would feel guilty at having such an expensive gift plus the additional expenses involved in going abroad, when his family is struggling.

I wouldn't have accepted either (in fact was offered a flight to Oz to my friend's wedding and refused the offer). Partly pride, partly because I'm of the never a lender or a borrower be (of friends and family. Banks is another story). And I would have felt awful about accepting such a huge amount of money even as a gift unless, for example, it was coming from someone absolutely rolling in it, who wouldn't notice the dent in the bank account. In which case, I'd have said yes and found some other way to repay the generosity.

Oh, YANBU but I personally having been on the receiving end wouldn't take offence.

If I were him, I'd feel awful whichever I chose. To refuse and look ungrateful or accept and be in debt to you.

I think it was a very kind andf generous offer, but I'd feel uncomfortable everyone knowing I couldn't afford something like that and friends funding me.

at the shagging the bride. I think unlikely, since he emigrated to be with his Aussie girlf.

They have no family, wouldn't say he was struggling really, just unlikely to have the spare cash to fund his own fare, whereas my brother and I are fortunate that it's not a huge expense for us ( and he knows we would not have offered if it had been). Not that he initially turned down an invitation on costs grounds or anything, we made the offer before he even heard the date had been set. And plenty of room at my house for him to stay, as well as his parents close by, so no real extra expense, just a free trip to see his folks and friends....anyway am not going to push him or ask for any reasons, he gave a polite but firm and unelaborated "no", so it would be rude to do so.

We won't of course tell Groom brother about it either, wonder if mate-in-oz will? Maybe you're right and there is a big soap- opera type Secret somewhere.

I'm not surprised that his initial reaction has been to refuse.

The cost of a return flight from Oz is a big gift and it could be that he believes that 'courtesy dictates' that he should refuse such a generous gesture at least once or twice before accepting.

I suggest you wait a few days and then write something along the lines of how you're living in hope he'll reconsider as your db's wedding day won't be complete witthout his best mate by his side.

Say that his presence will make your db's day, that so many people are longing to see him again, and that you can't think of a better wedding present for your db and his bride to be as a kettle is not going to fill the gap that his absence will create.

Tell him that you can arrange for him pop out of the cake if he wants, but that you'll have great difficulty superimposing his face beside your db's in the wedding photos.

If that doesn't produce the desired response, attempt 3 is to tell him you know that, if the situation was reversed, he'd be the first to make a similar gesture and that he'd better get cracking on with his best man speech as you're not going to take no for an answer and will be booking his return ticket departing on (date) returning on (date) in the next few days.

Does he have relatives he can stay with while he's over here? When's the stag do? I'd suggest he comes over for at least a week before the big day, and stays at least 2 weeks in total - 3 or more if he can get time off work - as it's a bloody long flight.

If the above fails, and a phone conversation doesn't cut it, organise a big screen Skype session for the big day or ask him to record himself on dvd giving his congratulations and suitable pithy comments - maybe he can 'feature' in the speeches and the toast as a surprise for your db?

I think you should tell him how much it would meant to your brother. And emphasise it's your brothers wedding present, that you are doing it for your brother not him. That should help him feeling less guilty about it.

Maybe it's the girlfriend who's worried about what he might get up to back in the old country - or are you offering to stretch to a ticket for her too?

When is the wedding? There's a load of good deals around for flights to and from down under.

I would say he feels it may be unfair to his girlfriend, and he feels uncomfortable accepting such a large amount of money from a friend.

There was a thread here recently where a man wanted to go on a stag do to Vegas and the general consensus was that it was too far to be going away etc.

I would be gutted too. If it is a pride thing, sometimes people need to remember its not all about them.

Its about your brother.

Such a shame! Well done for asking.

I would be tempted to ask him to elaborate on his response, because it was so quickly done, as there may be room for negotiation?!