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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been disgusted by this

48 replies

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 11:07

Yesterday we went to see dp's friends in the afternoon for drinks in the garden and a bit of a bbq. I don't know the couple very well (only met a few times) although I already knew that the woman had a daughter who was not in her care (age 14) but didn't know any details and have never asked dp.

Yesterday, the womans daughter turned up at the house unexpectedly, having got a train from a few towns away. When she came in, her dp started being really horrible to her daughter, calling her a slag and even saying to her boyfriend who was with her that it wasn't an attack on him, that he was more than welcome in their house, but to take that slag away etc.

I seemed to be the only person who was shocked by this, and it upset the girl to the point of tears. I was so uncomfortable that I spoke up and said 'fgs she is 14 why on earth do you think it is acceptable top speak to her this way.

Turns out, the girl has been having an affair with a guy from the neighbourhood who is 32!!!! That is apparently the reason that she is being labelled as a slag! I was really upset by this and dp and I ended up leaving. Why on earth is this guy still walking our streets and why is the girl taking the blame from HER OWN FAMILY???

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 08/08/2011 16:08

Birdsgottafly It isn't statutory rape because she is over 13. Unfortunatly at 14 the police won't intervene unless the girl is claiming that it was actual rape.

I really don't think that is true. Think that would apply if the boy was also 14 or a couple of years older, but this is a full grown man. The law says it is rape because the law decides that at 14 she isn't old enough to make that decision and recognises that young girls get taken advantage of.

That is what the law is for to protect girls like her.

I feel very sorry for her! When I was a similar age I was also taken advantage of by older guys, it's disgusting!

You DP should re-think his friends!

WilsonFrickett · 08/08/2011 16:14

I just wanted to say to the OP that you are clearly very upset by this. I'm glad you left - you were totally right - but FWIW I'm not sure what else you could have done/ or could do to help the poor girl. Except, clearly, not socialise with the 'family' again.

That poor, poor child, hopefully she is now getting the help she needs, at least she is out of the toxic environment.

HamstersDontSwim · 08/08/2011 16:21

What did your Dp make of it?

"show me what company you keep and I?ll tell you what you are.?

Would he have sat back and let his twatty,bully of a mate abuse this poor child?

NestaFiesta · 08/08/2011 16:51

I do believe it's unlawful sexual intercourse after the age of 13 and statutory rape below that. I've had to look it up recently for horrible reasons relating to someone I know.

You were right to leave. I would say contact Social services or the NSPCC. The poor girl has no one to speak for her. You sound like a decent and compassionate person OP. Good for you for speaking out and leaving.

Birdsgottafly · 08/08/2011 22:15

Whosegotmyeyebrows-i wish it were true but the CPS rarely take up the case, especially if the girls family are not pushing for it. I deal with this weekly, very vulnerable teenagers.

Birdsgottafly · 08/08/2011 22:23

It is unlawful sexual intercourse at 14, a DC is considered to have the understanding to make decisions. It links to Gillick compentence. The girl isn't admitting to the relationship and the family are not on her side, so nothing will come of charging him, unfortunately. The girl is in the care of SS, if they were able to, he would be being charged, the girl cannot be forced to tell the truth.

Mare11bp · 08/08/2011 22:39

Whose is right to say it is not statutory rape as she is over 13.

Birds in fact if it is suggested that the girl consented, it is in fact sexual activity with a child.

Either way he would go to prison if convicted. And contrary to popular belief if the police were contacted they would get involved and urge her to give a video witness statement, as they would be concerned about the disparity in age.

Unbelievable on her parents part. Completely shameful IMO. Well done OP for speaking up.

Birdsgottafly · 08/08/2011 22:46

The law states that once the child reaches an age of consent, that is understands the implications of the act, can weigh up and consider the information etc, then it changes. It is the same for deciding on whether a DC can chose to contact a NR parent etc. Around 14, this varies depending on SN, level of maturity etc.

How the police react varies between LA's and how the offence was committed, grooming etc. Then comes trying to get the CPS to decide if the case can be won and the charge can be answered, given all of the facts.

The girl is denying the sexual act, so no case to answer.

Birdsgottafly · 08/08/2011 22:48

You may not realise but the police often do not return a minor (14) home, if the minor deny's that sexual activity is happening and has their uniform and agrees to go to school from where they are staying. Parents lose 'rights of control' at 14.

Birdsgottafly · 08/08/2011 22:53

www.nspcc.org.uk/inform/research/.../gillick_wda61289.html
Although started as a medical judgement it crossed over into the Children Act and social care.

Mare11bp · 08/08/2011 22:57

The girl is under 16. What has happened is therefore illegal.

If she was having sex with a 16 yr old for arguments sake and denying it, the Police would probably not try so hard as there is no great disparity in age.

But in this scenario he is nearly twice her age, due to her vulnerability as she is in care, and the age difference, they would push her to be a willing witness.

But I agree, if she won't play ball and in the absence of other witnesses there isn't much the police can do.

Birdsgottafly · 08/08/2011 23:02

The police cannot push under the law. The one thing that you don't want is to push a case for it to fall apart at the last fence because the man is often telling the girl that he will marry her at 16 and she believes him.

Vulnerability of the girl, does not come into it, unless there is SN. I have known girls in care to be working as prostitutes, it is SW's that go looking for them, the police are over stretched, it depends on where you live.

How much crime fighting of that nature, is now happening in London, for example, they have to justify the use of resources.

We reported a 12 year old missing, but there was two shootings so it wasn't dealt with.

Greatdomestic · 09/08/2011 21:28

OP, well done for stating how disgusted you were at this mans appalling behaviour towards his step daughter.

I am actually more appalled at her mother for allowing this public verbal abuse to carry on. It must be the norm in their family dynamic and makes me feel sick to my stomach.

The poor girl would appear not to get the affection and positive affirmation she needs at home and was vulnerable to the attentions of this revolting older guy.

Avoid like the plague. What did your DP think?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 10/08/2011 09:43

There was a case like this when I was younger. The girl was 14 and the man was 19. She was willing to give a statement and admit it so he got 2 years. Think it might have been suspended, can't remember.

This is so much worse though considering that the man is in his 30s! He's a sick fuck and a paedophile in my opinion.

Such a shame thatt the police can't do anything if the girl won't cooperate. She probably doesn't realise how wrong this man has been as he parents are making out to her that she is as to blame as him. I don't think that is the case as all, no matter what the law says. She is child being taken advantage of and abused! If her parents had a brain cell between them they would realise this too. If her parents were supportive of her and explained how wrong this man was she might be more willing to go to the police.

Poor girl, her self-esteem must be on the floor!

OP you still haven't said why your DH is friends with such scumbags?

busybee1983 · 10/08/2011 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

farnywarny · 10/08/2011 11:04

HamstersDontSwim he has grown up with them. He did agree with me about the disgusting situation, and he did speak out also. We are not really on the best of terms for other reasons anyway, but he does agree with me about this disgusting situation

OP posts:

HamstersDontSwim · 10/08/2011 14:28

Hi,
Sorry things arnt going well.

Hope you are ok.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 10/08/2011 15:17

Horrible way to treat this girl. Glad you spoke up for she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. As for her parents, they wouldn't be my friends anymore. And I'd tell them the reason why...

busybee1983 · 10/08/2011 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/08/2011 16:44

OP, I'm glad you spoke up for this girl. Someone needed to. You have shown her how a real grown up behaves. The behaviour of her parents is just disgusting.

busybee1983 · 10/08/2011 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shanishous · 10/08/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

HeyYouJimmy · 10/08/2011 18:55

Good on you OP. Your were damn right to leave in disgust. If they value your friendship, they'll be on the phone apologising, but it's not you they need to apologise to.

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