to be annoyed that MIL wont get a cleaner

[audreyroberts]

hi

just wanted to canvas opinion really. My Mil is in her 70s and has a few health issues is also only carer (through own choice) for FIL who has dementia. Anyway I have spent my holiday from work last week helping her get her house sorted. She has not been coping and it had got into a real state, v smelly and dirty and clutter piled uo everywhere. Anyway to cut a long story short now all clean and decluttered (my whole week off spent on it). she is grateful and full of praise. I have suggested that now it is in a reasonable state we get a cleaner to come in once week tokeep on top of theing - but she point blank refused.

It is not that she does not have strangers in her house - she will let repairmen ,gardeners, carpet fitters etc. in with no probs.

I am i being unreasonable for be be annoyed that she will just let the house go to rack and ruin again - until next year when I will have to spend another week cleaning.

You might think - well i dont have to - and true i dont - but how can i talke my kids round every week to a house that stinks and is dangerously unclean.

Actually I think the OP has taken a bit too much stick here. Yes, the old lady needs her independence and needs to be respected. But how is the OP being respected here. Her mother in law has several children of her own doing nothing, the OP and her husband work full time and have their own family to look after. I'm sorry but surely respect is a two way street and the OP's mother in law should also try to respect the OP's situation. IMO it is not reasonable to live in filth and it is even less reasonable to expect others to clean it when one has the means to pay. I quite appreciate that the elderly lady has a huge burden with ill health and caring for someone with dementia and that is enough reason to be unable to deal with the cleaning but it is not enough of a reason to expect the cleaning to be done for nothing by a relative when the means to pay are available for it to be done by a third party.

I appreciate the lady has her pride - is that getting in the way of paying for her home to be kept clean. My pride (and my mother's who is in her 70's) would be kept far more intact by keeping our homes decent than by refusing to hire help to do so.

if she doesnt want a cleaner, then respect her wishes. I wouldnt want a cleaner nosing round my stuff either.

she isnt a child you need to chide and bully, she is a fully grown adult with her own opinions

unless getting over 45 makes your opinions null and void of course

Could your MIL get started on having some "help" by having a lady in to do the ironing, hoovering, dusting and washing floors? Ie the things that aren't too personal?

Perhaps approach it from the perspective that she's too busy and could do with offloading. I've had a cleaner since I was 28, not because I was incapable of cleaning, but because my time was better spent on other things. I don't think you can force her into it, but I wouldn't spend another week cleaning for her again. Maybe if in 6 weeks things are starting to deteriorate, tell her you'd rather not come over to the house because you're sad that your progress hasn't been maintained.

I agree with the other posters that you need to tread carefully to allow her to keep her pride, and it depends how you sell it. DM tried for years to foist a cleaner on my grandmother, who was just insulted by the insinuation that she couldn't keep her house clean. Eventually she relented when DM suggested that she allow a young friend of hers from the church to come and help her with the hoovering once a week because she needed the extra money. Grandma felt that she was doing said friend a favour, kept her dignity, and it grew from there.

Hi Married,
No I don't think the Op (Audrey) has taken stick. It's clear she's doing her best too under difficult circumstances and I have mentioned that clearly the children of this couple should be doing something to help.
However what they should do and what they will do are not the same thing. At the same time it should not be completely on the shoulders of Audrey either.
The elderly lady was, as she says, very grateful for Audrey cleaning the house, I'm sure she didn't expect her to do all this and it was very kind of Audrey to do it all on her week off.
I disagree that Audrey should stop her children visiting as to me, this is like further stress and punishment for the lady in question; she is obviously struggling with getting through each day already. But that aside I believe Audrey has been a good support so far to this lady.
I am a carer (of children) and know many many carers of elderly relatives, often the carer in poor health themselves and I see how they struggle each day; the loneliness, the frustration, the constant being in demand, no respite, no one to call on, loss of friends and family, the isolation. In most cases (although not this one by the sounds of it) the enforced poverty too.

This lady had a good career before. Now she has nothing but poor health and an ailing husband to care for.
No money in the world will make her feel better about her life.

PS Audrey on a lighter note, have you considered asking Gail or that awful son of hers David to help out