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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my neighbour NO?

57 replies

2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/08/2011 15:10

I have had a whinge about this neighbour before, in the grand scheme of things he is okay as a neighbour, just a bit annoying.

He text me earlier to see if I could do him a favor, I text back saying, 'Depends on what as I have a lot on'
He text back saying, 'I am trying to get some friends together I can trust to have DD when I go to football'

I did have an inkling that he was going to ask about babysitting. I text him back saying, no as DH and I have enough on with our own two DD's and when we do finally get them to bed or playing nicely together all we want to do is chill out.
Also his football that he goes to is once a fortnight (I know as DH & I let his dog in and out for him when he goes) He is also away overnight occasionally with it and I do not want anyone else's child overnight (unless for real emergencies)

Was I BU for saying that, as he is now not very happy with me (which I have not told him as I do not want a row with him as our next door neighbour is having over his dog)

There are many reasons I wont have his DD, one being that she is very hard work and does not get on with my DD's. He doesn't provide food or anything for her, she is still in nappies and I have to provide those as well. The last 2 times I babysat for him he said he would be an hour at most, I ended up having her a lot longer as he decided to do his shopping and cleaning but was not contactable (ignoring his phone I think) when I rang him. I only knew he was back as his car was parked up the street, so I took her home. I foolishly thought this was a one off so had her again soon after and he did the same.

His DD is 3 and can be quite nasty to my DD's especially DD2 as she is younger and will not stick up for herself as DD1 does and I don't want to deal with warring DC to be perfectly honest.

He is now saying that I don't know what it is like to be a single parent, true I don't know what it is like but it is hardly my fault he is a single parent.

I have suggested he ask around for teenage babysitters who he could pay, and pointed him in the direction of a babysitting site which has local sitters on it.

So WIBU to have told him no I wont?

OP posts:
MrsKwazii · 07/08/2011 15:46

LittleGreen I don't think you are being unreasonable. And I bet that if you offer to help for a few hours, you'll end up being roped in regularly and become resentful. You've said no, I'd leave it at that or you'll be constantly lumbered. You've pointed him towards where he can get some help, I'd let him get on with it now.

If he hadn't taken the mickey before you'd still be willing to help. This isn't your problem.

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/08/2011 15:47

mitmoo haha yes that had crossed my mind actually Blush

I have only just started to be able to say no to people (through my counseling and CBT etc) and have lost a lot of 'friends' because of it. I realize now they were not real friends. I have some real ones who I help and who reciprocate and have stuck around and helped when I have been at my darkest. Not a lot (can count them on one hand) but just enough Smile

I sometimes don't know if I am doing right for wrong though, which is why I like MN, it's like a sounding board for me IYSWIM.

OP posts:
mumblejumble · 07/08/2011 15:48

I was once asked by a relative if I would have her kids for 2 hours. I ended up with 6 children while she and her cousins went shopping Angry and for the entire day Angry
I never said yes to her again....

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/08/2011 15:50

*mumblejumble8 Shock that is awful, some people really do take the piss don't they.

OP posts:
BirdOfPassage · 07/08/2011 15:53

It's good to help out neighbours, but you don't mention any favours he has done FOR YOU. It sounds very one-way to me, and frankly starting to be exploitative.

HattiFattner · 07/08/2011 15:56

i think this will be a major burden, and you were right to say no. Stop second guessing yourself and trying to see how you could do this - just stick with your "no" .

Ask yourself: What has this bloke done for YOU lately? If he was always helping out, taking your kids out or helping with DIY or offering to walk your dog or whatever, then you could fell guilty, but from what you say, the relationship involves you doing stuff for him so he doesnt have to pay a babysitter.

He's taken the piss before and so you are well within your rights to say no. If he pushes for an explanation, or begs you to reconsider, just keep saying no, sorry. As they say, No is a complete sentence.

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/08/2011 15:59

He doesn't do anything for us, but then we don't ask him to. DH and I just deal with it, it has been a loooooooooong time since we went out just the two of us, we cant afford a sitter and have no free babysitting. It is hard when you never get a break from DC's. I cannot wait till my DD's are at school so I can look for work and hopefully find something.

OP posts:
ll31 · 07/08/2011 16:12

think you are no bu - he asked , you declined - you're not obliged to help him. I'd think if he wants to organise regular babysitting to do football then he should be organising either family or paid babysitters - -

HattiFattner · 07/08/2011 16:13

also, you can bet your bottom dollar that he is not getting a "group" of trusted mates together - it will be just you. SO if you say yes, you will be obliged to have this child every other weekend. STick to your guns.

ll31 · 07/08/2011 16:15

and while minding any child on a once off is fine, if its to cover somethign like football thats regular - what happens when it doesn't suit you - all of a sudden its your problem or you feel it is to find someone else....

Katisha · 07/08/2011 16:21

He would "go ballistic" if you dared to ask for some nappies for her?
Good grief - he sounds a nasty piece of work.
YOu are def NOT being U.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 07/08/2011 16:38

YANBU From the sounds of it he's a piss taking twat with a huge sense of entitlement.

Didn't you post about him wanting you to take his DD to school for him even though he was able to take her himself?

lachesis · 07/08/2011 16:40

YANBU

DogsBestFriend · 07/08/2011 16:45

YANBU. I recall your other posts about his piss-taking, I think.

Don't let certain MNers undo all your CBT work by guilt-tripping you into saying yes to this man!

And I know what it's like to be a lone parent, have been one since my DC were 7 weeks and 19 months old respectively. I'm a big football fan too but guess what? If you have kids and no childcare you just have to accept that you can't go. It's called "tough shit" where I come from!

So tell him tough shit no!

Ripeberry · 07/08/2011 16:48

It's his choice about going to football, if he can't find a babysitter then he can sacrifice his football.
Being a single parent, means making sacrifices sometimes and he should not expect others to feel sorry for him either.

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/08/2011 16:52

chaotic yes that was me, told you all I'd had a whinge about him before Grin

OP posts:
YouDoTheMath · 07/08/2011 16:54

Why do people have to go down the guilt-trip road when they don't get the answer they want?

No is no.

And I HATE it when people ask if you can do them a favour and expect "yes" before they've even told you what it is they want.

zookeeper · 07/08/2011 17:03

Stick to your guns. YANBU at all.

LineRunner · 07/08/2011 17:03

I think he is being cheeky. When I was dumped on from a great height and left as a single parent of two little ones, I went round to all the suitable neighbours and spoke to them, offering them or their teenaged daughters actual money (the going rate) for babysitting.

I always supplied food, milk and nappies/pull ups.

Would he or you be interested in doing it on that kind of basis?

So I DO know what it's like being a single parent, and you have to get a routine in place and pay for it. If he used a registered childminder he might get childcare tax credit anyway. Otherwise, like female single parents, maybe he just can't get to do all the stuff he'd like to do.

His DD sounds like she needs some TLC though.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 07/08/2011 17:04

Well I already thought you were not BU but now I think you are DDDDDDDDNBU

I speak as a lone parent too.

FigsAndWine · 07/08/2011 17:17

YADDDDDNBU!!

I am Shock Hmm Angry at the people here trying to guilt trip you in to being taken for a mug by your 'taker' of a neighbour, and looking after someone else's unpleasant, unsocialised child, when you've already got loads on your plate.

DO NOT let anyone make you feel guilty about saying no to this man; if you don't, you'll end up providing free child care (not free for you though; you'll be providing nappies, food etc Hmm) whenever he feels like it.
I was a single parent for years. I didn't go out, I didn't leave her with anyone; I got on with it, and he needs to too.

FutureNannyOgg · 07/08/2011 17:55

I think opting in to his "group" of helpers is likely to mean ending up with him turning up on your doorstep, announcing it's your turn and buggering off, or your turn being an overnight or whatever.

He has taken the piss, he continues to do so. You are not obliged to look after someone else's child so they can go off on a jolly, it is his responsibility to makes sure she is cared for, not yours.

I assume you have done assertiveness work? Go back over the 12 rules/principles of assertion, especially:
Recognise my needs as an individual.
Recognise that I am not responsible for the behaviour of other adults.
Deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/08/2011 18:12

FutureNannyOgg I haven't done the assertiveness training yet, I am just feeling stronger now I am feeling better about myself after beginning to deal with my PND, depression, extreme anxiety and OCD.
My counselor and CBT lady has spoken about assertive training as something we will progress onto once I am feeling better WRT my anxiety (OCD is born from my anxiety) PND is much better and depression is so so (good days and bad days but many more good than bad Smile )

I admit to be looking forward to doing some assertive training and helping myself not to feel guilty when I do say no. I am however finding saying no a lot easier now after getting my head into some semblance of normality IYSWIM.

Thank you everyone who has replied on this thread, you all make some very good points. I do love how MN helps as a sounding board.

OP posts:
FutureNannyOgg · 07/08/2011 18:49

Assertiveness work will help you a lot with confrontations, very helpful if you have trouble working out who is being unreasonable! In this case you are spot on though!

whackamole · 07/08/2011 20:01

YANBU regardless of any issues you might have at the moment. You don't want to and you don't have to.

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