Severely depressed dh help needed I'm at wits end

[Mrswhiskerson]

My dh suffers depression on a regular basis, but this episode is the worst so far he is aggressive bad tempered and I am actually quite scared of him at the minute I am always waiting fir him to blow up , we have been to the doctors who have given him various medication none of which have worked so far the last one being citroplam which actually
made things much worse .
I can't take much more of his moods and aggressive behaviour I am thinking of leaving him but I have nowhere to go and it is an ilness so I feel if I left it wouldn't be fair iyswim? His job and the way he was treated their had been getting him down for years but he never left because he though he wouldn't get emlployment elsewhere due to a bad sickness record, eventually he left and I have found myself a full time job which can support us but he is still so angry, he says work has ruined his life which is crap he is letting it ruin his life .
The doctor reffered him for counselling which still hasn't co
e through yet even though it is an emergency case and he has been given a light form of Valium which also seems to do nothing to help.

Is there anything else I can do? Or alternative treatments? We are really at a make or break point now and I don't want to split but I also don't want ds being brought up in this toxic atmosphere .
I'm at my wits end to be honest.

Dealing with a loved one who has depression can be exceptionally draining and frustrating and it's no wonder that you are beginning to resent your dh.

Your partnership is currently unbalanced in that you are doing the lion's share while he seems to be free to indulge himself by taking his bad moods out on you.

Clearly this isn't a fair or desirable situation, and I would suggest you tell him that unless he takes steps to control his anger - counting to 10 before he 'goes into one', leaving the house and walking until he is back in control of his emotions, taking a football to the park and kicking the shit out of it - he is going to have to temporarily live elsewhere because you will not be able to function at work and keep all the necessary plates spinning if you are living in fear of his outbursts - or if you have to live in an atmosphere of doom and gloom when you are at home.

A combination of medication and counselling may go some way to alleviate your dh's present period of depression, but this will inevitably take time and your dh can do a lot to help himself until the right drugs/therapy starts to kick in.

I would suggest that you both use EFT, either together or individually. It may sound silly or off the wall, you may feel self-conscious the first couple of times you try it, but stick with it morning and night for a week and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

In common with all alternative and many other therapies, EFT can only work if you practise it.

No problem and let us know how you get on. Also not selfish AT. ALL. To rant on here, as much as you need, and to feel angry with him and resentfulfor how things are currently turbot out - totally human emotions from you, 100% understandable. You sound like you have a phenomenal amount of pressure on you which must be so hard day to day - be kind to yourself too x

From your description it sounds like your DH isn't just depressed, it sounds to me like he's having a nervous breakdown. Get in touch with the mental health health crisis team for your area.

Eft definately sounds worth a try and dh is up for trying anything that will help especially as the meds he is on is making the situation worse, he was in tears this morning because he could not remeber the horrible things he said to me yesterday and was wondering why I was off to my mums even though he said he wanted space , he said he loved me more than anything and knows he is pushing me away which made him feel more upset , I wish he knew it is ok to cry he feels he shouldn't being a man.
It is such a weird situation I was all ready to pack my bags and leave today then seeing him in this teary state broke my heart . Just have to take it one day at a time I suppose.
I said as much as I love him and I truly do he has got to remeber there is only so
much a person can take and I can't take the aggressive behaviour and it is not fair on ds who is only one, but like I say he is more than willing to try anything he can and today he is seeing his family then a good friend who has known him all his life if anyone can make him feel better it is him, he has been through the same and is a tower of strength for dh.
Thanks again everyone , it is amazing the kindness and support strangers can show and I hope I can do the same back .

You must tell him that it's ok to cry and that you'd far rather he broke down in tears and let some of his emotions out, instead of taking his angst out on you and creating bad vibes which can adversely affect your ds.

Mental health has always been the Cinderella of the NHS; demand for services is sky high and resources are overstretched. Hopefully medication can help until your dh gets 'plugged in' to the system but counselling/cbt is not a miracle overnight cure, nor does it work if patients don't take the prescribed drugs or co-operate with their therapists.

EFT is a useful tool as it can be a mood-improver without the need to dig around and root out the causes of depression which, in itself, can lead to enhanced feelings of inadequacy or hopelessness before resolution.

I suspect that you, particularly, will find it useful as an aid to sourcing the extra sense of wellbeing you need to deal with your dh and the stresses and strains of everyday life. In addition, it may provide your dh with a temporary sense of optimism which he should make every effort to cling onto as hope for change in the future may, in effect, be his life-raft.

When I know I've got a particularly challenging day ahead, I use EFT as a boost to my (usually) positive mood and also to rid myself of any stress afterwards.

Just a few minutes twice a day can make an enormous difference, but it won't work unless you do it - and I take it you've haven't tried it yet?

I haven't tried it yet ad we are both out but as soon as I get in we will definately try it I think it will help me too, I already do things like Paul McKenna hypnosis CDs andi am buying dh I cn make you sleep and happy as the confidence one does work I am up for trying anything so os dh ,
I never thought he might be having a nervous breakdown but I have spoken to dh and we are going to go to a and e an speak to someone there as the gp just does not seem to be helping at all , he does not want to take the mess he has been given as they are making his symptoms much worse as well as causing nasty side effects such as severe sweating and he is definately paranoid to the point he is pushing away friends and family but the good thing is he knows he has a problem and I think admitting it is the first step.
I also said he should never be ashamed to cry, I have never believed the whole men shouldn't cry thing , if you need to cry you need to cry it does not make you less of a man and I will never think less of him for it.bottling things up is a lot more harmful.

My partner is severely depressed and is starting to recover (touch wood!).

There is some great advice on this thread but I would like add one thing:

His illness is no excuse to treat you badly. If he is anything like my DP he won't always be aware of how unacceptable his behavior is. So you must tell him. Be firm, but try not to get angry. This is hard I know. You must not allow aggresive and bullying behavior to become the norm in your home - even if it is caused by an illness.

Good luck with A &E - you will need to ask to see the Psychiatirc Liaison Team and explain that DH is having a 'psychiatric crisis'.

Occasionally triage nurses will redivert you to GP - if this happens, explain calmly that this is not an option, that you are desperate, that DH is paranoid and very low, possibly suicidal, and that it cannot wait. Be assertive with this.

Good luck xxx

Genetic predisposition and chemical and hormonal imbalances can cause depression. However, given the misfortunes that can befall us during our lives and the continual bombardment of bad news that assails us every day, those of us who do not have the misfortune of being disposed to the condition may face a daily struggle to not become depresssed.

If you had not mentioned that your dh is depressed I suspect that you would have been told in no uncertain terms that he is behaving like a Class A twunt, and you must not allow him to use his depressive state as an excuse to beat (metaphorically speaking) on you.

If he's going round in circles reliving negative past events, he needs to stop. CBT can help him with this, but replacing negative thoughts with positive ones is something that he can start working on now instead of waiting for a counseller to show him the way.

It would seem, from what you've said, that his experiences during his last employment possibly exascerbated any pre-existing problem he may have had with low self-esteem and poor self-image.

It's probable that, with hindsight, he could have handled the situation better perhaps with the help of the company's management/HR. In any event, he needs to take any lessons learned forward into future employment and seek help immediately if he has reason to believe that he is being bullied in his workplace.

What field of employment was he engaged in? Does he belong to a union? Perhaps he could use the net to ascertain if he has grounds to bring a case for constructive dismissal - it will be better for him to direct his anger and frustration into pursuing this matter rather than stewing over it and venting at you.

From what you've said, he doesn't sound paranoid in the classic sense. It seems to me to more as if he feels powerless to think positively and bring about positive events in his life (even though, as you've observed, he has so many positives under his nose) and I suspect this may be directly linked to his recent work experience. Pease mention this to any medics you encounter as he may be suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome.

On a practical note, make sure that he eats a nutritious diet and spends time outside of the house each day. Get him Vitamin B complex and zinc supplements - cheap as chips on eBay - and consider buying St John's Wort tablets, but he should not take this herb if he is prescribed anti-depressants.

I hope that you get a good outcome from your local A&E unit.

i suffer with depression and the one thing i hate the most about it is the way i can be with DH. on holiday i got really paranoid about the "DH & DD" club and lashed out at him it was absolute nonsense but at the time i had no control. i felt and still feel awful about it. i shout and swear at him and its always about stupid little things. i'm hysterical with guilt afterwards. i have never physically hurt him but one day when i was shouting at him in the car he went to get out and i pulled him back in by the coat. its doesn't feel like me who is doing the shouting. i'm under strong supervision by mental health team, and DH knows that it isn't "me" who is doing it. he lets me shout and yell then lets me cry, puts me to bed and informs mental health. his mother is a CPN and has taught him how to "deal" with me. im so scared that i will hurt him one day or that one day he breaks and won't put up with me any more and rightly leaves me taking DD with him, and i just feel so much worse because i have no control over it. i don't know when it will come, its normally been trivial things like leaving a tea bag beside the sink or not telling me the car needs petrol. i just can't control it, its like someone else has taken control over my mouth, im thinking to myself wtf am i doing? but the words and abuse still come flowing out, and then i take control of my brain again and i feel horrible.

i think that OP's DH may be like me. he needs more than a script for anti-ds. he needs proper psychiatric attention. i wish the OP and her DH get the help they need.