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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more committment

22 replies

Santa70 · 06/08/2011 16:50

I?ve been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. We are both divorced and each have 2 children. We share the same morals, values, enjoy each other?s company, think alike, have fun and have had a great 2 years. We?ve just returned from a holiday with all our kids, and it was great. The kids are similar ages and get on well.

We live an hour apart (50 miles), and that has been the only problem in the 2 years. Seeing each other has been difficult because of our work schedules (he works away 2 weeks out of 5), schedules with the kids and the distance. He is quite content with what we are doing but I want more. He values the independence he has, and the ability to do what he wants when he wants, but enjoys the time we spend together as well.

I?m fed up with not seeing so much of him, and having separate lives. I have offered to move to where he lives (which is considerable sacrifice for me, but not the topic of my post) and more or less given him an ultimatum that we either live together or I do not want to continue as I get so frustrated not seeing him, and the ?separate lives? that we lead. I see as what we are doing as being unsustainable not just in the long term, but the thought of doing it for the next year bugs me (like spending so much time apart, spending Xmas?s, birthdays alone and just generally not having someone around when you want them). I feel he should know what he wants, and how he feels after 2 years.

I know he?s not keen to live with anyone else. His divorce was messy (wife run off with someone else) and he does seem to enjoy the freedom he now has. However, if he cannot commit to this now, or have a firm plan for the future then I?m prepared to walk (despite how I feel about him....)

The question is........am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2011 16:51

No, you're not being unreasonable. You can only control what you do and if he doesn't want the commitment that you do then you're free to fnd it from someone else.

Earlybird · 06/08/2011 16:54

When did his marriage break up?

When was his divorce final?

Original poster

Santa70 · 06/08/2011 16:57

His marriage broke up 3 years ago. Been divorced for a year.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 06/08/2011 16:58

YANBU If he won't give you the commitment you want then you have every right to leave the relationship.

BigusBumus · 06/08/2011 17:02

Do you love each other? You don't mention love at all!

TheFlyingOnion · 06/08/2011 17:04

of course YANBU

You want what you want and if he can't/won't give it to you, you are prepared to move on and try to find it with someone else.

Sounds eminently reasonable to me...

Original poster

Santa70 · 06/08/2011 17:08

I'm totally in love with him, and he says he loves me.

However, I think (reasonably or not) that if he really did love me, he wouldnt be content with the current situation and would be prepared to commit.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 06/08/2011 17:31

how long were you single before getting involved with him?

I think yanbu to want more, I just wonder if you are wanting/expecting it too quickly after he has emerged from a bad marriage and messy divorce.

When you talk about a future, what does he say? Do you think his mindset is 'never' or 'not yet'?

Original poster

Santa70 · 06/08/2011 18:09

I was single for a about a year.
I think his mindset is not yet, but he would probably be happy with the relaxed no committment please yourself type of relationship we have at the moment for alot longer than I will be! He will say he sees himself having a future with me, but its all a bit wooly and non comittal.
Writing this thread and reading the answers has made me realise that I doubt his feelings.

My idolistic view is that is his feelings are strong enough, he will not want to lose what we have.......or is this fairytale stuff?

OP posts:

QueenStromba · 06/08/2011 18:35

Two years is a long time to be what is essentially a long distance relationship, especially if there are no solid plans in place for things to change. If you are willing to walk away from the relationship because of this then you should talk to him about it. I wish I had some good advice about how to talk to him about it without it sounding like an ultimatum because they almost never turn out well.

Earlybird · 06/08/2011 18:36

How well do you know his dc?

How well does he know your dc?

Have you all gotten together much as a 'famly' (other than the holiday)?

Would think a joint holiday is a big step, and an indication he sees you in his life in the future. It is a very good sign that you all got on well, and had a good time - perhaps a good 'trial period'.

How did he react when you offered to move there? What did he say?

How does he get on with his ex?

Is she still with the other person she ran off with?

Sorry for so many questions - just trying to get a picture of the situation.

Mare11bp · 06/08/2011 19:11

If you are not content with the current situation, cannot go on with it, and are prepared to walk, then YADNBU.

A few years ago I did the same, and like you we were 50 miles apart.

I was only prepared to make the ultimatum if I was prepared for a situation where he would walk away, which I was.

You sound like you are at that stage. So follow your heart.

Original poster

Santa70 · 06/08/2011 20:32

Queemstromba is right....an ultimatium rarely ends well.

He has said he will be really sorry to lose the good things we have, but is not ready to live with anyone else, and does not want that kind of relationship.

So it hasnt ended well.......but I feel theres "something missing" so I think reaching the end is the right decision as tough as it is. I just posted this because I felt a bit unreasonable about the ultimatium.

mare11bp....how did yours work out?

OP posts:

janelikesjam · 06/08/2011 22:45

It sounds quite comfortable for him, which may also be part of the problem. Perhaps he doesn't have to make much effort? Its hard to tell from the outside who is doing the running or if it is equal.

Sometimes instead of an ultimatum, one way of getting clear is that you could just withdraw, become busy with other things (genuinely), put less effort into the relationship, and see how he reacts, if he realises that he misses you or might lose you.

janelikesjam · 06/08/2011 22:47

Sorry Santa, just seen your post. Hope things work well for you now.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/08/2011 23:32

Goodness, that was quick! I hope you didnt issue an ultimatum via a phone conversation!

Maybe the good time you all had on holiday brought your discontent with the long-distance nature of your relationship to the fore?

Maybe the good time you all shared would have come to the forefront of his consciousness when he's next faced with the tribulations of single parenthood.

IMO, particularly when there are dc involved, one year after a messy divorce is not long enough for the emotional dust to settle and I hope you don't have cause to regret ending the relationship.

Maybe that his dc will clamour to get together with yours again and he'll contact you.

Whatmeworry · 07/08/2011 00:55

YANBU but neither is he - I think 2 years after a messy divorce that not wanting to get into another close relationship is NU either.

You could wait another year or so and see if things change if you really like what you have.

Mare11bp · 07/08/2011 06:19

Santa to my shock he said he wanted to be with me, we moved in together and now have 2 DC. He had been bereaved a while beforehand (quite a while, I am not that callous) and it made him re-think life generally.

But my point is that like you I couldn't continue, I loved him so much but by him not committing to me I was starting to lose my self-respect and self-worth, it was miserable.

Sounds like you have considered and accepted the possibility of being without him, so if you feel strongly enough about it and are prepared for the consequences there is no problem with the ultimatum.

Mare11bp · 07/08/2011 06:22

Sorry, read your last post and see things have turned a bit.

FWIW I think you have done the right thing, if you don't mind my saying you sound really sensiand surd level-headed. I am sure there is someone on the horizon more worthy of your time and effort.

Original poster

Santa70 · 07/08/2011 17:04

Thanks everyone. I'd already made the "ultimatum" before I posted. I just thought I might be being unreasonable, because maybe 2 years isnt long enough for such a decision.

Had he said, he didnt want that RIGHT now, but he knew he wanted that future with me, and lets work towards that, I wouldnt have ended the relationship. But he was unable to make any future committment, and as a poster above says, 2 years is a long time in a relationship that has no direction.

I basically told him I loved him, and I thought he was making a mistake letting what we had go, and if he changes his mind, contact me. Time will tell.

OP posts:

TheFlyingOnion · 07/08/2011 17:08

wow you're very brave Santa.

Good on you :)

BigusBumus · 07/08/2011 21:51

Santa, If its meant to be it will be... I hope he suddenly realises what he's lost and cointacts you. In the meantime, occupy yourself with friends and activities and make a life without him. Fingers crossed for you. xx

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