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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit worried about MIL babysitting...

52 replies

kiki22 · 06/08/2011 13:42

My MIL has said that once bump gets here she would like to keep baby once a month over night which is very nice of her but the thing is i'm very worried about letting her due to her views on child care but as my mum will be taking baby feel i can't say no.

My main issues are she believes that babys should not be picked up unless being fed or changed even if they are crying she says she left her 2 DS in the bouncy chair or cot 24/7 which i am just now happy with.

Her youngest DS by BIL didn't sleep well so she left him down stairs at night to cry alone without a baby monitor so she could sleep to me i would worry that if something does happen she wouldn't know.

And lastly she believes children should be seen and not heard and has in the past labled by 4 yr old niece a little madam for joining in a convo (which was about her starting school so i see no problem with her havin her own opinion on it) so i worry as baby gets older will be left to play alone constantly and not allowed to join in.

She is not the type of person either me or DP could speak to about it as she would just say she'll do it her way and it never hurt her boys (which is debatable youngest is gettin bullied and wont stand up for himself as doesnt know how and DP left home at 16 and had drug issues in the past with E and weed)

What do you think?

OP posts:
Al0uiseG · 06/08/2011 15:53

She sounds like an old cow anyway, you may as well cut her out before the baby turns up if you're not strong enough to put your baby's wellbeing before her demands.

pigletmania · 06/08/2011 15:56

KiKi if your MIL wants to know why she cannot look after your baby, you tell her why. I pesonally would not be happy with the way your MIL looks after babies. Leaving them when they cry, not picking up or cuddling babies, leaving them downstairs to cry. Its a safety issue too. I would say that I would prefer it if your dc is older, and do not feel happy with baby sleeping the night at such a young age.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/08/2011 16:03

I just don't get the whole "give me your baby overnight" thing, no matter how many times I have read threads on it here.

If you need/want an overnight babysitter, all well and good. But NOBODY has the right to demand that they want access to your baby without you being allowed to be there. WTF? They just don't.

OP, you've already said that your mother's is a short walk away but your MIL's is quite far. So, if you wanted a babysitter, she's the obvious choice.

And handing your baby over to 'keep the peace' is just a mad idea.

pigletmania · 06/08/2011 16:05

Gosh I feel like a bad mum, dd godmother used to have her in the night from time to time when dd was a baby to give me a break. Dd had terrible colic and would cry from 9am-9pm everyday, and I had PND. It was an arrangement both dh and I were happy with and dd seemed calmer when she came back from her godmother. My goodness that lady was a godsend.

ohanotherone · 06/08/2011 16:19

Why would you want to leave your baby overnight? If you breastfeed you won't want to leave your baby overnight. Babies need feeding in the night, bf or formula anyway. The best and safest place for a baby to prevent cotdeath is in your room with you for at least 6 months. Tell her no way and don't let your mum either, you are having a baby, not a pet.

exoticfruits · 06/08/2011 16:39

I don't know why people discuss these things first before they have any idea of the personality of the baby.
I would say that she needs to meet the baby first and make a relationship and take it from there.
There is no need to do anything that you are not comfortable with-at any time.

poppikins2 · 06/08/2011 16:57

Don't let your MIL and DP bully you into this OP. This is your child and if you don't want to do it (and why would you?) then don't.
I have similar issues around my IL's. They're quite elderly and are dreadful drivers but kept talking about taking DD out in their car. Unfort. DP doesn't like to upset them so wanted to let them do it. Up to know I've done everything possible to avoid it but if they continue to push it I'll be telling them straight. I've also told DP never to suggest it again. Stick to your guns! Your child needs you to protect them.

OohIsThatAFlake · 06/08/2011 17:03

I agree wholeheartedly with ALouiseG - I breastfed both mine (til over 2yo for DS, still going at 20 months for DD) and that was the most marvellous defence against my interfering and overbearing very kind MIL's requests to have my babies for day excursions/overnight.

Are you hoping to breastfeed if you can, OP?

pommedechocolat · 06/08/2011 17:05

You need to tell your MIL why you feel uncomfortable and if she won't change her views/say she'll treat your child in the way you wish then say you are sorry she can't have them overnight.

I think that you will change your mind on overnight stays once you have your baby with you myself, you may not of course and that's your choice but it is likely that none bar you and dh will see baby overnight for a good while!

OohIsThatAFlake · 06/08/2011 17:08

Pigletmania - love the name btw! - you're sooo not a bad mum! We all develop strategies to help us cope through the tough times - my particular favourite is cbeebies Wink

pigletmania · 06/08/2011 17:36

thanks oohls Smile. My user name was derived from my love of Piglet from Winne the Pooh. I guess that needs must, and I trusted dd godmother to do the right thing, which she did and more. She used to be supercareful with dd and have her sleep in her room and every snuffle she would get up and check, much better than me.

flyingspaghettimonster · 06/08/2011 17:45

You have to be firm and I wouldn't leave my baby with her knowing how different our views are. I don't let my own Mum have my kids alone for more than an hour, but let my in laws keep them overnight all the time - this isn't because I love them more than my Mum, just her parenting is different to mine and I don't want my kids punished in ways I wouldn't myself. Try to explain to her that you think she did a great job raising your OH, but that her methods differ from yours and that modern thinking is that babies should not be left to cry it out until they are a lot older.

Start her off with short periods only - like a trip to a restaurant for you and OH, and see how it goes.

diddl · 06/08/2011 17:49

No, no & thrice no!

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/08/2011 18:18

pigletmania, not a bad mother at all! Your DD's godmother had your daughter overnight for YOU, not HERSELF. It was generosity on her part, not selfishness. How lovely of her to offer, in complete contrast to OP's MIL who is instead making demands.

pranma · 06/08/2011 18:27

I dont see a problem here-your m-i-l's methods border on abusive and no one would subject a child to that level of indifference for one night in a lifetime never mind once a month.

messymammy · 06/08/2011 18:28

Why don't you use the line I always do with my mil....
say "hmmmmm I'll think about that..."
If she brings it up again, just repeat. I avoid all confrontations with her like that!! :o

Squitten · 06/08/2011 18:38

Why would you be sending your small baby away overnight to either of your mothers'? And how can you even plan any of this before the baby has arrived? Bizarre...

pigletmania · 06/08/2011 18:38

I know where we did not ask her she offered, and we were confident that she would do the right thing, which she did and more. She is like a second mum to dd, my mum is older and not able to cope. It certainly gave us a lovely break and helped recharge our batteries. It so happens that dd has SN now, so that might explain why she was such a hard baby.

Mare11bp · 06/08/2011 20:07

Let's all stop please suggesting that OP is BU for sending her child overnight to sleep with a relative.

That wasn't OP's query, and people are wrong to judge on the matter. Just because doesn't suit some of you doesn't mean it doesn't suit OP! Hmm

Original poster
kiki22 · 06/08/2011 20:59

to answer the question why would i let my child stay away or why would i need to - I personally have no problem with my mum watching baby over night as i know i am not superwoman and will be greatful for the break and i also have back problems and may need my mum to take baby if i have any accidents i have asked my mum about this already as i don't want to just assume she will do it.

The whole thing with MIL came from DP telling her that we have made plans for if my back is out to which she came up with this idea.

To give a better idea MIL is not a bad person i get on fine with her and want to make sure family is a big part of my childs life i do not for one second believe that she would harm baby but that her ways would not be best (and not what baby will be used to)

What i want to try to do is find a way to say no you can not babysit without sounding like im judging her or critisising her which is not easy. I also don't really want to lie to her i'd rather get my point accross in a diplomatic way... so basically do the impossible!

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 06/08/2011 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 06/08/2011 21:13

my son is almost 8 months old and hasn't been looked after by anyone other than myself and my husband so I think realistically you would be fair enough to not let anyone babysit your baby for ages yet.

FloraPost · 06/08/2011 21:39

You might find you think differently about the baby staying away after he or she arrives, I did. Before DS was born I thought I would be fine letting my Mum or MIL take him overnight, but couldn't bring myself to do it when he was tiny because it was me he needed and no-one else. You don't need to give MIL a reason, the baby is yours and what you say goes.

The anger and resentment you might feel if she treats your little baby in the way you have described against your wishes would do more to sour your relationship in the long run than being straight with her now. Moreover if this is how she treats children then your DC won't want a close relationship with her, regardless of the importance you attach to extended family in their lives.

pigletmania · 06/08/2011 21:42

Really there is nothing wrong with letting someone take baby for the night from time to time, it won't harm them, so as long as you trust them, and are happy with it. Like the op, I would not let anyone who I was not happy with look after dcd during the day, let alone the night.

Brynn · 06/08/2011 21:58

If you don't trust her, don't let her have the baby overnight.

You might be worried about keeping the peace now, but chances are once you've got the baby in your arms, you'll find yourself with crazy new mum hormones a backbone to tell people NO when it comes to matters concerning your LO.