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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My ex refusing to see our children.

28 replies

Dayna70 · 05/08/2011 23:16

I've been separated from my ex for over 4 years. Up until the last fortnight he had been having regular contact with our two sons every TH and F evening and alternate weekends. Over the course of the 4 years, he has had relationships with 3 women and the boys have been introduced to these women as "friends" he says. I was not nor did I expect/wish to be introduced to any of these women, in fact I wish the boys had not been in contact with them, but my wishes were not considered. I did not feel the need to enter into any new relationships for over two years after I split from my ex and when I did meet my current boyfriend who also has children, we were both insistent that the children were not involved in our relationship until we were sure that we had a future together. We didn't tell them that we were a couple until over a year had passed. I told my ex about my new boyfriend after 3 months. He initially said he was pleased for me and said that he'd like to meet him for a coffee. I thought this a bit strange and unnecessary and my new boyfriend did not want to meet my ex. My ex kept on at first asking at intervals claiming it was because our sons kept mentioning my boyfriend. He then started to demand and insist upon a meeting until recently he claimed that I was forcing him into a situation where he was prepared to be a non parent and not see his children unless he met my new partner. He claims that as a parent, it is his right to decide who his children see/spend time with when they are with me. Surely he is being totally unreasonable and controlling? How can he just decide to not see his children?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 05/08/2011 23:22

Well he has, he has done it because he is an arsehole, he is trying to be controlling, but in the end it is he who loses out.

Don't contact him, make excuses with the children where you can, he is the loser here not you or your children. It is mean to use children as pawns.

Birdsgottafly · 05/08/2011 23:23

Because he values being able to emotionally blackmail you, to make you do what he wants, rather than what is right.

Do you think that he would actually walk away from them, how old are they?

belledechocchipcookie · 05/08/2011 23:23

Don't allow him to use your children to blackmail you. You can't force him to see them though but remember that he's the one that will be missing out. He has no right to dictate to you whom you and your children see when they are with you. Stand your ground, he sounds very controlling.

squeakytoy · 05/08/2011 23:24

How old are the children?

LadyThumb · 05/08/2011 23:26

Hmmmmm - we had exactly the same type of post earlier from a woman who was insisting on meeting her ex's girlfriend. Wonder what the advice will be to this one?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 05/08/2011 23:26

Is this to do with that thread about the woman wanting to meet her ex's new girlfriend for a coffee and wanting to ban her from being with them because she refused?

GypsyMoth · 05/08/2011 23:28

dayna,surely there paths have crossed at some point already? handovers etc?

ZillionChocolate · 05/08/2011 23:32

This is all backwards though. The threat is supposed to be "give me what I want or I'll stop you seeing the children".

bubblesincoffee · 05/08/2011 23:32

It is not his right to decide who his children spend time with when they are with you. That is rubbish.

But it is understandable that he would want to meet a man that his children could well end up living with, before that happens.

He is threatening not to see the children because it's the only way he can get to you. He is wrong for trying to be controlling, but I thin it is understandable that he would want some control over which adults have a major influence in his childrens lives.

If it were the other way round, wouldn't you want to know the woman your children were spending lots of time with was a good person, and not just take his word for it?

If your dp feels anything for you and your dc, he would agree to meet his future step childrens Father, simply to reassure him and to keep the peace. Why won't he? It would be the respectful thing for him to do. If he wants a relationship with someone who has children, then he has to do things he might not want to do.

My dh managed it around the time that he was introduced to my dc as my dp, and I had a lot of respect for him for doing something that he was very nervous and uncomfortable about doing. It showed he had respect for my children, and their Father, and that he was committed to me and to being a part of my dc's lives.

MoominsAreScary · 05/08/2011 23:37

if he wants to meet him for a coffee on his own then he is being unreasonable. ( same as other thread) if he wants to meet him with you present while dropping or picking up the kids then I don't see a problem

Original poster

Dayna70 · 05/08/2011 23:40

Boys are 6 and 8. I was thinking about posting my message earlier and came across the post about the woman wanting to meet ex's girlfriend. I found the comments very reassuring as they were in line with my own way of thinking. I wanted to see what others made of the added dimension whereby my ex was refusing to see the kids and using it as some kind of weapon. As far as paths crossing, there was an "accidental" bumping into one another when my ex thought the kids and I were away and he was in our street when I turned up with the boys and my boyfriend.

OP posts:

auntmargaret · 05/08/2011 23:44

First of all, poor you, it sounds very raw and distracting. Secondly, how old are DC? Because it sounds to me that you are putting your needs, howrver admirable, above theirs? Whats so wrong with DC dad wanting to meet DP? (Have I got right end of stick?) They are his DC too. It might be love, not control. I would be hugely concerned if tables were turned. And I mean love for DC, not you.

Mitmoo · 06/08/2011 09:10

If the children are talking about the bf in a positive way then he has no need to meet the bf, just the same as you didn't need to meet his gfs. I assume that he has no concerns about the children's welfare when with the bf and trusts you as a good mother.

In that case let him have his little sulk until he realises he is missing out on his children and is being quite an arse.

exoticfruits · 06/08/2011 09:21

You have been very sensible and done everything right with your new partner and DCs. Your ex sounds controlling. From the way that he is going about it, I can't see any point in them meeting-he will not like him and he won't want him near his DSs-it doesn't matter who he is, or how wonderful with the DSs-he will not like him. (in fact if he is wonderful with DSs he will hate him).

This is nothing to do with the DCs and everything to do with his controlling personality. It is hardly a sane response to punish that DCs by breaking contact when you don't get your own way.

I would call his bluff-tell him that you are very sorry that he feels that way and he knows where you are when he wants to resume contact. Don't defend, don't justify and don't argue (it gives him a way in) just keep calm and stick to your beliefs. It is his problem-don't make it yours because he has thrown his toys out of the pram!

Don't bad mouth his to the DCs (I'm sure you wouldn't anyway) just tell them that Dad is having some time to himself-you are sure he will be back soon (I'm sure will).

LineRunner · 06/08/2011 09:21

I've never had any control over who my ex introduces our children to, who my ex shacks up with, or what behaviours he exibits in front of them on the rare occasions he bothers to see them.

On the other hand, he is obsessive about me and my life to the extent of peering in through windows!); and is now 'known' to the relevant agency.

I would stand firm and say that there will be no special meeting; however, your DP will be present at pick-ups and drop-offs and will be civil and say hello as necessary.

As for threatening not to see his children again - ignore him. Call his bluff. You can't make an absent father see his children if he decides not to, so you may as well just ignore his bluster and get on with your life. When he does change his tune, insist on a contact timetable and [try to] make him stick to it for all your sakes.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 06/08/2011 09:21

Perhaps he wants to find out what his gut instincts are about your new partner, and is concerned that his children may be living with someone who might abuse them either emotionally or physically?
Perhaps he wants to discover the values and attitudes that your children will be encountering regularly in their home.
And he's using the only leverage he has.

LineRunner · 06/08/2011 09:23

x-post with exotic.

exoticfruits · 06/08/2011 09:23

I would disagree entirely, auntmargaret, OP has put the needs of the boys first from the very start-it is such a shame that he ex doesn't do the same.

solidgoldbrass · 06/08/2011 09:24

It would be reasonable of him to want to meet someone who might be living with the DC - presumably his GFs did not ever move in with him or act as stepmothers - but his way of going about it suggests this is more about him wanting to meddle in your relationship.

exoticfruits · 06/08/2011 09:26

Normally I am all for the rights of fathers-but only if they act like emotionally well balanced adults. I would agree with LineRunner in this instance.

bruffin · 06/08/2011 09:26

Two threads about exs meeting new partners for coffees in the same day

LineRunner · 06/08/2011 09:36

Btw is it not now the case that a parent can make enquiries via the police about a person who will be having unsupervised contact with their children?

exoticfruits · 06/08/2011 09:38

You would expect to meet if you were living together-but it would be bound to happen with pick ups, phone calls etc.

Mitmoo · 06/08/2011 09:40

Professionallyoffended He had children with the OP surely he should trust her judgement. If the children were raising concerns about the bf then fair enough but if not he should trust his exes judgement, just as she trusted his.

LineRunner · 06/08/2011 09:48

Yep, the options open to you when your ex has a new partner who will have contact with your children are:

Do nothing and trust their judgement / hope for the best / be polite on the few occasions your paths briefly cross;
Make a big fuss and upset everyone;
Seek custody via expensive and ultimately futile court battles;
Ask the police for a background check on the new partner (actually not incompatible with any of the above).

What's especially hard is when one parent is attempting option 1, and the other parent is going for a full-on drama.

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