AIBU to be upset over awkward issue with my best friends partner?

[BooBooBuddy]

love living so close to my friend and we've many good times shooting the breeze over the garden hedge while her kids (3&5) get free reign to romp around my yard to their hearts content. :) Work from home much of the time so always around to keep an eye on them. since turning 30 they have provided me with an outlet for my ridiculous broodiness (that seemed to switch on like a light after the hangover from my birthday). extremely fond of George (3) with whom i have the most wonderful understanding and embroiled in a hilariously mischievous kinship with Alfie (5). since our houses back on to each-other it is not uncommon for me to find them either in my yard, or frequently in my house entertaining themselves or getting into trouble. I leave the back door unlocked when i'm in the house as i rather enjoy the way their little visits break up the day. :)

Recently though i've noticed these distractions getting less frequent. A fortnight ago alfie and I were out in the garden looking at mini-beasts and having a pop at worm charming. everything seemed fine although at first he seemed a little offish. later, when i suggest to alfie that we go inside to wash our hands before i take him back for his nap, the poor wee man starts balling summat about the house being bad and his daddy saying he ought not to go there. Spoke with my friend who explained that her partner did not like my having such a close relationship with her or their children and had been telling the children to stay away from my place.

Things between her partner and i have never been brilliant. There was an extremely awkward moment a couple of months ago when both the boys came running over after George injured himself and their father overheard one of them calling me 'dad' . Now this has happened a couple of times and i usually always correct them at once. just this time george was bleeding and it was all a bit hectic so there was no "I'm not your father kid." I just flew into action with the first aid box and all that jazz. clearly my friends partner took this badly and the two of them had a fairly bitter row about it. Did feel a little bad, but it's not like i engineered the situation and it not really my fault if he chooses to spend the small amount of time that he could spend with his children in a bar with his mates. Don't get me wrong, i can only imagine how it must of felt for him to overhear his kids calling someone else dad, but is that my fault? is it okay for him to ban his kids from entering my house because he thinks im some kind of threat?

Christ, he's one of those guys that can't quite comprehend the concept of a platonic relationship between people of opposing sexes. any ideas as to how i should handle this anyone? she seems content to bend to his will (at least for now) and i'm left wondering what on earth i did to deserve to be treated like some kind of creep. ARSE! I miss the boys and i just want to scream at her for allowing all this and not having thrown him out months ago like she keeps planning to.

It feels stupid having to tip toe around this crap though. should i just go along with this? at least until it all calms down a bit? My friends children are like an extension of her, hold as much affection for them as i do for her. they've always hung around at mine, we often eat together because they tend to be less fussy about food that way (i used to be a chef). So now my days are mostly work and the only unexpected break i get is the odd item on radio 4 or cold callers.

AIBU to be angry at my friend for letting this crap fly?
Is it stupid to get this upset about things?
Should i simply find some poor wench silly enough to have children with me in a poorly thought-out attempt at quenching my now overwhelming broodiness?

Sorry for long post. Thanks for taking the time to ponder my imponderables. open to any suggestions/ thoughts and grateful for any advise.

PLease tell me that they are not the children's real names as that is not fair.

I have a gay best freind but he ldoesn't live anywhere near me, he and DH get on well, but maybe that is because he doesn't live anywhere near us.

No other thoughts then look at other threads on here about DV, it soesn't matter how many times the poster is told to leave, ultimately it is the person in the situation that has to make the decision. Just be ready to help out if/when she does.

Like others have said, YANBU to be upset, but YABU to interfere.

Really you have to back off. It is very :( but that's how it is.

Out of interest, are the children 'ok' by the dad to go into your garden but not your house? Or does he want them to stay away from you entirely?

I think it's very hard in life for grown men and women to have genuinely close freindships without complications (like yours here for example). It's sad really but I guess it's just something you're going to have to learn to get on with. People become suspicious and jealous and sometimes feelings are confused. Her husband may be behaving like a bit of a twat but maybe she's trying her hardest to save their relationship for the children's sake first before throwing him out as you have suggested she may sometime.

The best thing you can do is just be there for her and respect whatever descision she takes to live her life. Sadly if it involves reining in the relationship you have with their kids then that's just going to have to be it. If situations change then just pick up where you left off, I think that's the best thing you can offer.

I think that anyone would be unhappy to see their friend being treated badly by a partner. I don't think you are unreasonable at all to be hopping mad about that. If you were a woman, who had to stand by and see her best female friend being bullied by her partner, I am sure you would be hopping mad and nobody would be trying to tell you that it was in any way wrong for you to feel that way.

The fact that you happen to be a man makes no difference.

The fact that you happen to be gay is beyond irrelevent.

Does the man know you are gay?

Could he be one of those very ignorant, stupid people who hold bizarre views about people who are gay and that is why he doesn't want the children round?

Or maybe you are a threat. Perhaps he sees or senses that you might give his partner courage to leave. That's a big threat to a bully.

Just carry on being a good friend. Sounds like she needs one.

I think it is her call.

You sound over involved in their relationship.

If the children's parents have decided that they are to stay out of your house then that is it, case closed. It doesn't matter if he is a dick, he is their dad.

They are not your children.

You sound like a really caring person, and YANBU at all to be feeling the way you do. I take umbrage at the person who said it's a bit creepy - if you were a woman, that thought would never even occur. I wish I had a friend like you! Unfortunately I have to echo what everyone else has said - you can't really take any action as that would BU. Just be there for her (as you clearly are) as a friend and if/when things do come to a head with her DP she knows that she has you as a support. Sucks for you especially as you have built up a relationship with these boys but you're just going to have to grin and bear it. A bit like a parent who knows their kid's making a mistake but can't do anything other than be supportive! Very un-MN but to you.

I think it her using you as a listening post that doesn't help you.

I've had family members moan to me about situations only they have the power to change - usually with other family members. I end up getting upset and angry on their behalf and if I said anything to try to help or make suggestions about how things could I prove I was in the wrong. I was being left angry and upset and powerless to do anything - in end I had to stop listening for my own sake.

I think you have to back of for your sake as much as theirs.

I have to say when I felt one of the grandmothers of my DC when I first had them tried for a mother role rather than grandmother role - very OTT behaviour from her - I did not react at all well and got very nasty to get her to back off. It could be the DP is acting the same - feeling you threaten his role and doing anything to get you to back off.

Clearly a relationship with family is not a good way to deal with your own broodiness - perhaps send a little less time worrying about them and a bit more time looking at what you could do for yourself?

To be honest I think the DP is jealous of his kids spending time with you, perhaps you are Mr Fun and are stepping on his toes?

Just back off. Sorry,

I had a best friend for mnay years who was male and who i once dated but ended after a few months as it clearly wasnt that sort of relationship. My DH didnt have a problem wiht this at all.
However, I think you need to back off, they are a family, they need to work though it and maybe dad is jealous of the time you spend with the boys and your relationship with them, but whatever the reason he is their father and therefore can ask them not to go over that often.
You sound lovely and clearly want children of your own, but their not yours :(

I think you will just have to wait and see what happens, maybe he will come round and see how upsetting it is for the children (maybe he wont).

Hmmm. If this is real, you sound really complicated and confused (happy to have children with 'some poor wench' but actually gay? ) - and maybe the husband senses that you are a bit needy.

Has the partner found out that you are gay & tha´s why his doesn´t want his boys to be around you anymore?

Sounds as though either he doesn't know you're gay - in which case he's probably jealous - or he does and that's the problem. Would your friend be able to tell you which it is?

If you're desperate to have children of your own you need to do some serious thinking about how you're going to sort that out - and start making some progress towards that.

In terms of the boys calling you dad - they just use the first name that comes to mind... when Ds has been staying with grandparents, I get called granny to start with - as that's the name on the tip of his tongue. I sometimes get called daddy but then sometimes DH gets called mummy - so it all evens itself up . Close friends of ours get nicknamed 'uncle' at times - which is quite handy - but there should be no problem with them using your name anyway.

you lost me when you referred to a woman who might bear your child as 'a poor wench silly enough to have kids with me.

Gay or not does not give you an excuse to be so rude as to refer to a woman as a 'wench'.

Sounds to me like there's a few different things going on here:

1. Your friend's partner is preventing you from spending time with your friend's DC, who you love

2. Your friend is unhappy in her relationship with said partner

3. You want children of your own

As regards 1), have you considered speaking to him directly? This man sounds like an insecure bully, and in my experience insecure bullies are most effectively wrong-footed by polite, friendly directness. He hasn't given you the same courtesy but that's not to stop you saying to him that you've gathered from his son that the boys have been told to stay away from your house, and to wonder what the issue is as you're keen to resolve it if possible. If you can ask him when your friend is also present, so much the better - you are addressing them as a family then, and acknowledging the father's place, AND not giving him a chance to play manipulative games.

As regards 2), unfortunately as others have said you're just going to have to be there for her. She's lucky to have a friend nearby who cares for her (and if this guy is EA then his first instinct would be to separate her from her friends, so no doubt it's driving him bonkers that you live right next door) but the only person who can get her out of this situation is her.

As regards 3), while I recognise that it must be sharpening the pain and resentment caused by 1) this is something you need to tackle yourself. I'm under no illusions about how tough this is if you're not heterosexual, and how unfair this must seem. But you need to make a choice for yourself: are you going to try and find a way of becoming a parent? I know at least two lovely thirtysomething lesbian couples who are considering seeking a co-parenting arrangement at the moment, so they must be findable; in that case good luck. But if you're not planning to do that, then while I understand your joy in having small people around you will need to accept that you're not their parent. It's sad, and I feel awful for you, but it's the truth.

OP I feel very sorry for you - my best friend has been in some incredibly destructive relationships and your first reaction is to try to protect them. It doesnt matter that your gay and therefore not interested - her husband obviously has some kind of problem with you. My best mates ex hated me because he knew that I thought he was a complete arse and totally refused to allow him to be a part of my life. Maybe he realises that your friend really loves you (just as friends but still that love is very strong) and worries that his wife will leave him and come running to you - yes your not interested but to be honest people with these kinds of problems don't always see the fact that they are the problem so go looking for external sources to blame.

I do think moving away would be best (sad though it is) because maybe without you there to help she will have to find the strength to sort herself out and maybe without you to blame her husband will actually look at what he is doing to his family!!!!

Best of luck with it all.

Get a grip - sit back and wait. The DP is an alchie - he'll screw up and bring about his own downfall eventually. Then your friend really will need you.

In the meantime, enjoy the bits you're 'allowed' with your friend and the children.

Living on own - too much time analysing everything to nth degree = tied up in knots and making big, unneccesary plans to move.

(Love the way you describe the children and the fun you have with them mind!)

the names of the children have been changed for obvious reasons. the guy knows i'm gay. he's from a deeply religious background, not entirely sure where he stands on the gay issue in general but it's likely to the right of centre. i think many of you are right in saying that i'm stepping on his paternal toes, though it was never my intention to do so. it gave me super-cringe everytime one of them would call my daddy. She herself is happy for the boys to spend any amount of time at or around mine and with me. the issue is that this must now be done on the sly. i'm not comfortable with that. i don't want to spend time with the boys against their fathers wishes (whatever his reasoning) perhaps it's because i have had no sleep but often i think that he worries i might infect his children with some gay virus or something. that really winds me up so i tend to push the thought away in favour of something less ridiculous.

the reason the tone of language i am using is so vehement is because over the last five to six years i have been witness to or heard first hand some of the bullshit he dishes out. this is my best friend we're talking about here. she may as well be family. So yeah the language is a little inflammatory. this was a bad day and a weak moment. needed to vent and so i did. apologies. I accept that i need to back away from this. but the unfairness of it pains me. and i know i'm going to miss the boys. but who knows what will happen. maybe she'll leave and he'll finally see the true picture and it'll all be fixed before it goes fully tits up for him. for his kids sake i hope so.

she's hardly a saint in all this but gets away with being wicked by virtue of being my friend. there are days i feel sorry for him there are times she does her best to undermine him and attempt to bring him to breaking point. sometimes the both of them go at each other in a crazy feeding frenzy of hate and vitriol. sometimes i wonder how much she relies on that kinda thing. better to hate someone else than to go back to hating herself. she used to self harm. despite all her own crap, she helped me through some of the darkest and hardest parts of my young life. so i feel a enormous sense of loyalty and i guess duty to her.

thank you so very much. i'm sorry about the spelling/ranting/grammar

OTheHugeManatee that is a wonderfully succinct break down of the issue.

Though #3 has a couple of possible solutions in the pipeline and is complicated by other factors. I would make assurances that i have no intention of being anything other than honest with any person or persons involved in booboo's production of 'the pitta-patter of tiny feet'

manatee your approach to #1 is appealing and i like how it 'handles' jim and some of the issues important to him. may be a little while beofre i can have a pop. still feel i need to move away though. myu presence here feels like it's toxic. nothing good is likely to come of it

jos male is not jim. that was supposed to be him. god there are a lot of errors now. i should have sleapt

i do love her kids! and thats whats killing me the most. much as i would wish otherwise, there is a very good chance my relationship with those boys will always be effected negatively by the realtionship i have with their father. and that for the most part comes down to what he decides. i get no say. doesn't feel good.

he also knows that she and i went out. so i'm kinda screwed both ways, IYSWIM. as for the wench thing. i said it half in jest. i like the term wench. i know it means whore but so does putain and the french use that to mean anything they want. there are other cultural issues around my being gay. they are long and i am not on here to discuss those or for that matter my future plans to procreate. i kinda came looking for someplace to vent and maybe get a couple of ideas as to alternative routes of action. I got both of these, so in that sense, i'm very happy.

doodlez over-analysis is definitely a factor. as is lack of sleep. thanks again everyone. i do actually feel better. maybe thstd the sleep deprivation

Do you want my DC BooBoo? DS doing my head in today :D

Seriously, I've not read all the posts (I'm grumpy today) but to me it sounds like this man may be off the mind that being gay might be catching, or that because you are gay, that must mean you are interested in his DS's for the wrong reasons, IYKWIM. Unfortunately, there are some of those people around :( the terms that the little lad used made me think he sees you as 'weird'. He may be fine with your sexuality himself, but ignorantly does not want his impressionable children around you. I really hope this is not the case, and I'm just bloody cynical, but its lot more common than you think.

My DS has an uncle who is gay. He works in a nursery, seems great with kids, exactly the same as his Godfather who is NOT gay. However, I have family members (my side) who do not trust the uncle around my DS (tbh, I don't really after DS told me he woke up to find uncle in bed with him whilst staying at daddys - bearing in mind he sees him once, maybe twice at a stretch a year, its nothing to do with his sexuality, I just think its bloody inappropriate as I wouldnt want an almost stranger waking up next to me!) simply because of his sexuality.

Have you considered confronting him? Just tell him what the little boy told you and ask if everything is ok, if not can you clear it up? You do not want to lose your best friend over something that may simply be an understanding. Hope it works out well for all of you.