to think that ILs are being shits?

[megkat]

Hi

A bit of background - DH was brought up by stepfather and mum after his biological dad ran off when he was 3. DH has always thought of his SD as his dad, end of. Two other siblings - one was adopted out early on (even though family still see him) and another who went wtih DHs biological Dad, and who DH didn't see for years until a reunion about 13 years ago.

DH never really had a true childhood - MIL was always distant and there weren't cuddles or any family type communication between them. DH has very few memories of childhood (not abusive, just no holiday memories, never went to cinema, no Christmas memories, that sort of thing). He has no real contact with any extended family, they just aren't close at all, only saw close relatives at Christmas. For example, ILs didn't ring DH on his 40th birthday :( .

About 6 weeks ago DHs grandad sadly passed away. MIL had rang me on the Sunday night (about 10pm) to ask my opinion on grandads treatment (DH wasn't even aware that he was in hospital) and I then asked if DH knew about it and she said no. Didn't ask to speak to DH and rang off before I could get chance to pass her over. I relayed the message to DH and said that I got the impression that he was poorly and he should go to visit Anyway DH did the following evening and grandad died that night.

Funeral was arranged for a day when we were on holiday. DH only found out after ringing MIL as no contact from them. DH pointed out that we were away and they said well, it's your choice, whatever you decide to do is fine.

DH agonised over his decision but eventually decided that he would not go to funeral but would get some flowers (really nice ones), visit chapel of rest and then go to interrment ceremony later. This ws not done lightly, but he is a person who believes that when you die that's it, no afterlife, nothing.

Anyway, ILs have now disowned DH. Said that he was selfish and it really embarrassed them that he wasn't there. (Not that they really wanted them there, that's what upsets me most). They don't want to see our DDs, don't want any further cntact. DH has visited them and they basically made him feel like shit. he isn't very verbal and he was struggling to express himself, and they laughed at him, and made fun of him.

Sorry this is so long winded - AIBU to think that they are behaving like shits?

I agree with pancakeflipper, above.

You in-laws sound like my parents. They only want a relationship on their terms. They also do a lot of telling me that something is my own decision and they will support me whatever I choose. As long as it's the decision they wanted of course. As I realised I couldn't live my life according to what my parents wanted, we are now somewhat distant.

whackamole they didn't, DH had to phone and ask....

It's really reassuring to know that we are not the ones being unreasonable - I was beinning to doubt myself. I suppose it tells a story that DDs haven't mentioned them at all, so their influence on their lives is obvious.

I totally agree with you all when you say they want the relationship on their terms, and we are all better off without. Thankfully, my parents are totally different, really supportive and do all they can to help.

You find children can suss out adults. My mum is lovely in a lot of ways but not maternal. She's not a proper gran. Dss never mention her. Yes exMIL is fab, totally involved even though she's 89 They'd really miss her if she wasn't in touch and I'm dreading the inevitable

Meant yet not yes

Well rid, and it sounds like your dh did have an abusive environment when he was a kid (neglect, no affection etc). Good thing he has you and thr dcs now!

Sounds like typical IL behaviour to me! I know it's easier said than done because I seem to be on a continual roller coaster with this one but if you can move on with your lives and let them get on with theirs then you will, IMHO, be happier in the long run x

That's absolutely terrible... How awful for your DH - and for you, as it must be almost as bad to see your DH treated this way by his family. He is SO much better off without them.