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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

trying to set some limits on comings and goings for a nearly adult in the house?

47 replies

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 15:15

I am after some guidance and to see what others think or do about "almost adults" and the hours they keep.
We have dss living with us now (he is just 17) and tends to stay out quite late of an evening.
Now this isnt an issue as such and I understand he is pretty much a man BUT it disrupts the household. We have 2 small children (under 6) and us (DH and I) and a small house (3 bedder) and we go to bed pretty early. (at least by 10).

So each evening we are woken by him coming in and then we all get up and almost have tpo "creep around" as he doesnt get up until later (maybe midday).

So what do other people do with their kids that age? Do you have limits on when they should come in? Is that unreasonavle for a 17 year old? What is your solution?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 04/08/2011 18:07

My son has just turned 18, when he was 17 all I wanted to know was what time he would be home, and if he would be home, he didn't drink and hardly went out.

However, just because you go to bed early it is unfair to push that onto this child.

You can't ask him to be home for 10 that's ridiculous, all you can do is ask that he is quiet when he comes home and doesn't have the TV too loud.

He is almost an adult, treat him like one.

ilovesooty · 04/08/2011 18:12

If he's unemployed where does he get the money to stay out late night after night?

Original poster

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 18:26

Do you seriously think going to bed at 10 is that early for a working couple?

He goes around to his mate's house or hangs around the beach or park ilovesooty

OP posts:

Maryz · 04/08/2011 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 18:31

He has just finished a 1 year college course so, to be fair, he has probably not come to terms with the whole "this is it, job time"! concept yet. Hopefully he will start looking soon. (with encouragement).

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 04/08/2011 18:32

I think being in bed by 10 is very early, even if you are a working couple! But that's not the issue here - if you want to go to bed at 8.00 then that is your choice.

My DS2 is 16, almost 17, and although he is allowed to go out in the evening, he has to let me know what time he will be home by. (He's certainly not allowed out too late during a school week). I insist on keeping in contact with him by phone/text - and have no compunction to ring his friends if he won't answer his phone

We insist that he's back by 10.30/11.00 - the only exception is for a party, but he usually sleeps over then. (I don't like that but it seems to be what they do these days - and, on balance, I'd rather know he was at someone's house than trying to make his own way home at silly o'clock in the morning)

In the morning, if he has to be up then he has to be up. If he doesn't, then there's no tiptoeing around him in this house.

Original poster

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 18:34

My husband starts work at 3 am, and I have to leave for work by 7.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 04/08/2011 18:36

I work, I have to get up at 5.45 am, I get to work at 7.30 and leave at 5, I go to bed at 12.

FabbyChic · 04/08/2011 18:37

Why is he not at college studying for A levels?

AmberLeaf · 04/08/2011 18:37

Is this the DSS that you have mentioned before re his mums new DH expecting him to get a job ?

Original poster

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 18:37

I thought you were a student fabby

OP posts:

Original poster

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 18:38

Yes amber...he now lives with us. :)

OP posts:

Original poster

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 18:39

fabby not everyone wants or has the capability to do A levels.

OP posts:

Maryz · 04/08/2011 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 18:44

I think you are right maryz, thanks :) its all new right now and I think it will settle.

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 04/08/2011 18:49

If he's in neither full time education or work, then his daily 'job' should be to look after the house in exchange for free rent, so a list of domestic chores is needed.

No creeping around in the morning (i'd be tempted to let the little ones jump on him first thing ,but then I'm a cow), if he's in late, he has to arrive silently.

AmberLeaf · 04/08/2011 18:55

I agree deffo no 'tip toeing' around in the morning, he needs to be up and about too.

Re coming in at night, its hard as he is not a child however I totally understand you and DH not truely being able to settle until he is.

Is he quiet when he comes in? At that age I had perfected the knack of climbing the stairs missing the ones that squeaked so I didnt disturb theogre my mum!

I know teens that age can sleep for Britain but its a bad habit to get into especially as at present he has no focus [college/job]

What does he want to do?

CurrySpice · 04/08/2011 18:59

I agree with the no tip toeing and I too think 10pm is really early for a grown up to go to bed

Original poster

avoidingwork · 04/08/2011 19:00

even when dh starts work at 3 am?

OP posts:

TheFeministsWife · 04/08/2011 19:01

I agree with everyone else certainly no tiptoeing around in the morning. My DSD is almost 19 and we most certainly don't tiptoe around in the morning when she's in bed. (Although her late nights have become very infrequent now she has a job). I would insist he was as quiet as possible when coming in. If he wants the freedom to come and go as he pleases he has to accept that there are other people in the house too.

When DSD first started with the late nights she used to nearly always wake us up (thankfully the kids always managed to sleep through it). Used to drive us mad. But as she's gotten older she's gotten better at being quiet, so good she'll manage to sneak a mate in after a night out! But that's another thread.

FabbyChic · 04/08/2011 19:01

Im studying with the OU, started work 2 months ago.

Just because you have to sleep early you cannot really put restrictions on a 17 year old, they are nearly an adult, all you can do is tell them they have to have some respect and be quiet when they come home.

AMumInScotland · 05/08/2011 10:25

I think you need to set an end date for his "summer holidays", and at that point he needs to be getting up in the morning and looking for work / doing voluntary work / doing housework. Once he is getting up in the mornings, and shifts his body-clock back to a more usual pattern (for those of us who work or study!) he is unlikely to want as many late nights.

In the meantime, I think the emphasis needs to be on him being considerate when he gets in late so that he doesn't disrupt your sleep. Equally your husband has to be considerate at 3am (to DSS and the rest of you).

But I don't think you need to tiptoe round at 6 or 7am if that's when you and the other children are getting up for the day, as that seems a "normal" time for being awake and making ordinary levels of noise.

To me it seems reasonable that there is an 8 hour period when the household is in "nighttime" mode - 10pm till 6am sounds fair.

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